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to ask how and when you told your DC about the unpleasant parts of adulthood?

(15 Posts)
Worriedaboutthefuture Mon 24-Oct-11 20:43:38

I have a DD who is 12. I am absolutely scaring myself about the awfulness of some parts of being a grown-up.

Rape, porn, drugs, and so on.

Please could you give me some pointers - I'm more worried about these chats than the birds and the bees chat.


worraliberty Mon 24-Oct-11 20:49:51

Depending on where your live, I'm almost sure school would have already spoken to them about drugs so perhaps you could find out what she knows and build on that?

Rape is a tough one...sometimes it comes up in TV soaps, does she watch any of those that might help prompt a discussion?

Porn I'm not really sure about. I suppose she'd have to ask you any questions she might/might not feel the need to know the answers to.

AgentZigzag Mon 24-Oct-11 20:51:54

I generally let 10 YO DD1 find out some stuff for herself and she'll usually come and ask me what whatever it is means or does.

There are some things I still shield her from, like animal cruelty or child sexual abuse, but mostly I'm truthful but vague-ish.

It's always good to balance anything you have to let them in on with the good bits of being an adult, like choosing to go out for the evening or being able to buy as many sweets as you want (which was what I always looked forward to grin).

aldiwhore Mon 24-Oct-11 20:52:07

Don't over-do it. But do address everything in a round about 'doors open' way.

Do not sit down and 'have the chat', make chatting a normal, everyday occurance, and whatever you do, never ever 'go nuclear' when they're confiding in you, they won't do it again!

Some things in life have to be found out rather than passed on, be available, but don't try and bypass your child's growing up by taking all the excitment out of it with too much information.

More is achieved by focussing on the good and how you should treat yourself and others than was ever achieved by saying things like 'you fancy Frankie Cocoza?? He looks dirty, have we spoken about feminist issues today or STI's?' - make those things part of normal conversation!

Of course, on the flip side, its a mother's place to say "he/she looks like she/he needs a good wash and a bible" to their child, its nature's way... I remember it well, but it never put me off!

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe Mon 24-Oct-11 20:54:06

Are you being unreasonable about what?

Cheeseandseveredfingersarnie Mon 24-Oct-11 20:56:44

we just deal with things as they come up.they might hear a word and ask what it means and i explain.i dont do the big sit still and listen chats.

Worriedaboutthefuture Mon 24-Oct-11 20:57:41

to ask you for help?


Worriedaboutthefuture Mon 24-Oct-11 20:59:14

Thank you to all the helpful posters, I shall take note and keep the lines of communication open.

AgentZigzag Mon 24-Oct-11 21:00:57

Has your DD read any Jacqueline Wilson books?

Some parents dont like them but DD just laps them up, and the books seem to uncover the darker side of life within a relatively safe context.

DD definately is more aware of the situations other people live in that aren't like her own than she used to be, and I think that's only right as they're getting a bit older.

saffron Mon 24-Oct-11 21:03:32

Birds and Bees, about 10, keeping yourself safe and respecting yourself probably yr8.

cory Mon 24-Oct-11 21:05:13

When you call them "the awfulness of some parts of being grown-up" you make them sound as if they were an inevitable part of being grown up. Drugs and porn have certainly never been part of my adulthood, and they won't be of dd's unless she chooses it. That has very much been part of the discussions we have had, that she does have a choice about those things and that adulthood is very much about making your own choices. At the same time as understanding that other people may sometimes have found it difficult to make the right choices due to background etc.

As for rape, sadly, that can just as easily be a part of childhood.

AgentZigzag Mon 24-Oct-11 21:05:54

You might be going over well trodden ground if you wait until 10 to have the birds and bees conversation saffron grin

AgentZigzag Mon 24-Oct-11 21:09:12

I took the OP to be sad at her DD having to confront the fact that these things happen, rather than saying it's going to happen to her cory.

'Some men believe they can forcibly use sex to exert power and control over a woman' isn't something you want to say to a child that was a 2/3 YO seemingly only a few minutes ago.

Feminine Mon 24-Oct-11 21:13:05

I have told DS12 about most things... well all I hope.

I explained about rape sad I explained both of you must want to do it...

He said "duh of course"

At school they have drug awareness from age 5/6 ,this week the school are doing fun things to learn along side the serious bit.

I have always talked openly ...I think that is all we can hope to do.

kakapo Mon 24-Oct-11 21:17:39

Try not to over think it. If she watches the news occasionally these things tend to come up naturally. I certainly don't remember my parents specifically sitting me down for a rape discussion for eg. And is porn something kids ask their parents about? <hopes not because hadn't thought about that one!!>

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