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To think this was a bit rude

(58 Posts)
hanaka88 Sun 23-Oct-11 17:53:16

My little boy is autistic and so cannot handle trips to tesco an the lights and noises and crowds send him into a meltdown. I do however try to take him once a week to buy a small toy car to de sensitise him to the shop.

So went today with my friend and her autistic child. My son inevitably had a major melt down. Screaming and lying down in the trolley, I was crouched down talking him through it and trying to get him to calm down so we could complete the trip and make it a success for him. My friend wandered off with her child looking at the toys and talking about christmas.

A pregnant woman decided to walk up to my friend, who she obviously didn't think was with us, point at my son and say 'that's disgusting!' my friend looked at the woman and said 'if you mean that little boy he is disabled' and the woman mumbled and ran off.

I know people don't have awareness and don't understand but surely all kids have bad days and surely it isn't acceptable to go round calling other peoples children disgusting to strangers, disabled or not. The thing is if she had walked up to me and asked what was up I would have explained and not minded one bit.

Anyway. Rant over. Just needed to get it out.

My little boy used to be just like other children until he was 3 and something happened to his brain. He tries so hard, I just hate it when people feel the need to say this. He's only just 5.

SacreLao Sun 23-Oct-11 17:55:42

As a mum of a child with ASD I completely understand.

You need to perfect the 'death stare' for those rude people who stand staring and tutting from the sidelines.

I have now developed a very tough skin when out and about.

SauvignonBlanche Sun 23-Oct-11 17:56:51

YANBU, it's depressing how ignorant people can be. angry
Thank goodness you had your friend with you.

SierraMadre Sun 23-Oct-11 17:56:56

Sigh.

Why can't people keep their rude, thoughtless comments to themselves? Sounds like you and your friend dealt with it very well. Sometimes I feel like lying down and screaming in Tesco, so I understand your DS's reaction.

I know these comments hurt, but try to keep the fact that the woman is a rude, thoughtless bitch at the front of your mind. Hopefully she's torturing herself about her little faux pas.

Moomim Sun 23-Oct-11 17:58:14

YANBU, she sounds rude and mean.
If I put my extremely sympathetic hat on I might suggest that she's very hormonal and doesn't know what she's saying. Otherwise I agree with PP, you just have to ignore the rude ones

hanaka88 Sun 23-Oct-11 17:58:27

Thanks everyone. I just feel like no matter how good your kids are, once in a while they will have a paddy. That's how they learn not to.

WilsonFrickett Sun 23-Oct-11 17:58:43

Thing is, even if your DS didn't have ASD she would have still been exceptionally rude. The fact that he does means she has been properly embarrassed and will hopefully think twice before passing comment on someone else's parenting in the future.
[anger]

SenoritaViva Sun 23-Oct-11 17:58:52

Poor you, what a horrible experience. I simply don't understand people who have a need to comment on children's behaviours out loud to complete strangers. You sound like you are a great support to your son, I have nothing but admiration.

She is probably pregnant with her first, has read all the books and has a very clear idea of how she will parent and what those results will be. (She'll soon realise that children aren't mathematical formulas).

Pagwatch Sun 23-Oct-11 17:58:57

People are wankers. People on here can be wankers tbh.

You just have to remember that for every twat muttering or judging, there are hundreds of people who understand, or don't care or care but would never dream of being rude enough to comment.

OldGreyWassailTest Sun 23-Oct-11 18:00:33

You WON'T desensitise him - please STOP taking him into a situation that he finds unbearable. My son is also autistic and these trips were impossible until he got much older.

Andrewofgg Sun 23-Oct-11 18:00:34

Horrible. Why can't people just STFU if they disapprove?

SauvignonBlanche Sun 23-Oct-11 18:01:04

I need to cultivate that 'death stare', DS, who has AS, is nearly as tall as me now and it looks pretty odd when he goes into meltdown.
The cinema queue is a usual trigger - guess where we're going as a half term treat on Friday?

helpmabob Sun 23-Oct-11 18:01:39

YANBU people are just thoughtless. When I see a kid having a full on meltdown I normally just feel for the mum who is dealing with it. You will have to develop a tough skin but on the opposite side of the coin I have had many strangers be nice to me in similar situations.

LaurieFairyCake Sun 23-Oct-11 18:01:42

Silly woman was likely scared.

That her unborn child would turn out like yours. Seeing children act out is terrifying to pregnant women as they can't imagine knowing what to do.

It's not the hidden disability, honestly - most children have massive tantrums at some point.

You're doing the right thing, hope you feel better soon smile

hanaka88 Sun 23-Oct-11 18:02:43

Wilson that's what I thought. Kids can sometimes be a bit ego centric especially at this time of year with Halloween and Christmas coming up. If a kids having a paddy and I walk past even before my sons regression id just think 'thank god it isn't mine this time' there's no way I'd dream of calling a little child disgusting.

hanaka88 Sun 23-Oct-11 18:04:26

Old gray the disability nurse wants him to go once a week. Im following all the orders to the word because I don't know what else to do really.

troisgarcons Sun 23-Oct-11 18:06:55

People dont understand - neurological development disorders don't come with an obvious sign of 'physical disability' - Im with you on this one - having had the stupid comments about dummies for older children (actually he wasn't older, he was just ridiculously tall), but I have had the disaparaging looks with a acomplete hissy*fit and melt down.

You get hardened - ok, I'm a bit more front-on than most but I will stand my ground and ask if they stare at their grand parents with altzheimers or parkinsons.

OldGreyWassailTest Sun 23-Oct-11 18:11:18

And what the 'disability nurse' probably doesn't realise is that it is the lights that are causing the meltdown. For autistic children they are too bright, and they can hear them buzzing. Sensory overload, it is called.

Why not just push him around the town in his pushchair so he gets used to people, and try and find a shop without all the lights.

hanaka88 Sun 23-Oct-11 18:16:19

Thanks old gray I will try it. I think she is concerned that because I'm on my own with him I'll need to go to tesco occasionally, and if I can't find a babysitter I'm a bit stuffed because he won't tolerate ear defenders or anything like that. I know it's really hard for him though and totally understand the meltdowns which is why I never get cross with him. Poor little man is just hurting. I've been told I need to 'chastise' him once too often.

There is a difference between naughty behaviour (which he does do at times) and a child not coping and I react appropriately.

raspberryroop Sun 23-Oct-11 18:17:02

hanaka88 - different ''treatments' work for different children - there is no blanket cure all for autistic children. Having one autistic child only makes you an expert on that one child not on all autistic children - whatever some people might say or think. You need to do what works for you and your child and follow your own instincts.

hanaka88 Sun 23-Oct-11 18:20:08

Thanks raspberry. My friend who was with me has a child who on paper is exactly the same as mine but they couldn't be more different. He shouts and DS can't stand noise and DS is overly touchy where friends DS can't stand being touched. They are unique, just like everyone else.

nenevomito Sun 23-Oct-11 18:20:41

hanaka my DS wasn't diagnosed until he was 5 either. He has a sunhat and earplugs for situations like that.

HauntyMython Sun 23-Oct-11 18:23:37

It is only thanks to MN that I now ALWAYS think before I judge.

hanaka88 Sun 23-Oct-11 18:24:07

Nene like the sunhat idea I might try that. But ear plugs won't stay in, he won't even wear a plaster. Autism my eye sometimes I'm sure he has a big dose of awkwarditis in there as well grin he's such a little sweety at home with no noises and with blue lights around. I wish people could see that side of him more often.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie Sun 23-Oct-11 18:25:45

I am a portage worker and work with a lot of children with ASD.
I will often do activities that may help to 'densensitise' them to things e.g. hoovers, washing machines.

If after the first two sessions they are not showing any signs of progress at all, I stop. Personally I feel they are not ready and there is nothing to be gained from distressing them.
We might try again in a while as they mature sometimes the things that they cannot cope with change and develop. Some things will, some wont.

I have a child with ASD so perhaps I am a bit on the soft side? smile

YANBU . Stupid bloody woman. Why would anyone say that about any child anyway? Disgusting is for people spitting in the street or kicking puppies. Not children having tantrums ffs.

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