to be upset with my friends comment?(15 Posts)
Sorry if this is a bit long but don't want to dripfeed!
I am 18+4 with my first child. The father of my child and I broke up when I was 9 weeks. Admittedly, the split was not amicable at first- I ended it because of his anger and control issues and he didn't take it very well. He lashed out (not physically) and was quite frankly a total bastard for about a month (abusive phone calls/texts etc). Not unexpected as he has clear anger management issues. Naturally, I confided in some of my closest friends about this and how pissed off I was.
Eventually the ex and I resolved our differences. Still very much not together but are able to communicate and even be friendly now that emotions are no longer running high. Our main priority is co-raising this child without animosity amongst us. Long road ahead we know but so far, so good.
Last weekend, I was out with a friend I'd confided in looking at baby clothes etc and picked up a babygrow that said "I love Daddy", and commented on how cute it was. To which she replied <read instructed me> "Don't put your child in anything that says I love daddy!". I was so shocked, wasn't really sure what to say other so I replied by telling her that regardless of anything that happened, my child is going to know who his/her father is and love his her father to which she replied with conviction "No it won't".
I'm usually such a resilient person but her comment hurt me deeply. I drove home in tears. Couldn't give a toss about her opinion on what I should dress my child in, but in my opinion, suggesting that my child won't love his father was a step way too far. I understand she has an impression of him based on what I've been through with him but surely it's not right to suggest a child won't love it's father just because he's been a bit of an arse at a time that was highly emotional for both of us?
AIBU to be so upset with her comment?
Yes and no. She is trying to back you up, albeit clumsily, by saying he's a twat. But it doesn't take account of the tightrope you are walking with trying to establish a co-parenting relationship. Plus you are a bit hormonal, understandably. Try not to take it to heart- you will need your friends.
LeBOOF, I agree in that she was trying to back me up and my hormones are most certainly a joke at the moment! So on the surface I know she wasn't trying to be a bitch, I've known her long enough to know that shes not always the most tactful of people. But I do think that she should have taken my feelings into account before engaging her mouth. Less than an hour before we'd talked about how I will always feel that little bit of guilt for inflicting single parenthood on my child (as someone who grew up with a twat for a father). I guess I'm more annoyed that she was so thoughtless more than anything...
well on the face of it she is in the wrong
BUT sometimes people tell their sounding-board-friend the worst things and not the good, If she's been there for all the "what a bastard" rants (rightly so) but the more amicable times have been quieter then from her viewpoint he has been nothing but a complete shit.
Does that make sense? are you as quick to tell her when things are going okay with him as you are to tell him when he's really annoying you?
its really hard when you are that friend, I've been that friend a few times, the one that gets called when boyfriends are really horrible but never hear about the good times then they wonder why I don't like their other half when things are going well IYKWIM
She looks to have forgotten the golden rule of not slagging off your friends ex because it's difficult to backtrack when/if they get back together (or get on as you do).
I can understand why you might find what she said hurtful when you're trying to think positively about your babys dad, but I wouldn't take what she said as anything more than a foot in the mouth moment, and I'm terrible for taking things to heart
Did she catch on that you weren't too happy with what she said?
Grumple- Your comment Completely makes sense but I can honestly say, I'm not the person that picks up the phone to slate her partner! I tend to deal with stuff myself as I'm quite private about relationships due to bad experiences in the past with friends thinking they have a right to stick their oar in. I think the problem is that when we split, I confided in her so much that she feels she has a licence to speak on the situation as she pleases.
Agent- if she did catch on, she didn't say anything. I would usually be very upfront about my feelings but I really didn't know what to say in this case. I was just upset. I have zero relationship with my father and it's a very real possibility that my child could end up in the same position, that saddens me but I've spent this tine building up a positive mindset about the future. I really don't want the people closest to me trying (intentionally or unintentionally) to break that down. Probably why I've taken it so badly, in conjunction with my unruly hormones!
Bluddy- That's the funniest thing! I had no intention of buying it! In the first instance because I just think it's weird to by something like that if we're not together and secondly, ex hates stuff like that anyway! I just said it was cute- She jumped on the I hate daddy bandwagon as soon as I picked it up. Had she worded it the way you just did, or along those lines, I wouldn't be so annoyed. It's the suggestion of my child not loving it's father that I can't get my head around.
There can be a bit of a conflict when you're confiding in a friend, you want them to be straight talking (as only someone who knows you and the situation well can be), but if you're feeling a bit vulnerable, you want the truth handed over with kid gloves.
She was definately thoughtless in what she said, but I think you might be being a bit unreasonable to believe she shouldn't say what she thinks when you've confided in her.
Thoughtless is totally different to her having a sly dig at you.
If she cares about you it must be very difficult for her to watch you try to build a relationship with a man she suspects might let you down/upset you, even if the reasons for you choosing that relationship are the best in the world.
sometimes its harder for the person being confided in to move on from the "what a bastard" frame of mind then the actual person
I remember this was an issue when my friends and I were in the housemate stage. housemate A bitches to housemate B about housemate C, housemate A has it all out of their system and goes back to being thick as thieves with housemate C, meanwhile housemate B who wasn't bothered by C in the first instance contines to seeth at housemate C and they end up falling out terminally. Happened again and again and again in so many of my friend's house shares and my own
when you confide a lot in someone its cathartic for you, you are sort of letting go of it as it comes out so easier for you to move on, this is a good thing!
but if the confiding is very intense and all on one person they can take on all the anger that is being released by the person confiding in them, so hold onto it for longer sometimes I find
Thats why its SOOO hard to come to terms with it when a good friend gets back with someone they broke up with, they can move on because they've poured their heart out to you and let go of a lot of crap, but if you're the person being confided in it sort of stops with you because you cant then off load it all on someone else, that would be gossiping!
Of course its not usually a problem, its just when its intense, when its so much that you are sort of living it along with the person going through it, when you're the only/main person being confided in
This is why councellors and psychotherapists spend so many years learning how to step into AND THEN BACK OUT OF the theraputic model. Not so easy for a lay friend
She may well be 10 steps behind you in terms of moving on from the hating stage for that reason.
Agent- it's not so much that she's not entitled to say what she thinks- if I've let her in to my situation, I know and expect that she's going to have an opinion. I'm old enough to handle that. I should mention that she never met ex and wasn't privy to the details of our relationship before we split. We weren't together that long to be frank! But I think that to assume/predict that my child is not going to love his/her father is wrong. No matter which angle I look at it from, I can't get past that, I can't find a way to excuse it. I'm trying to be reasonable honestly but maybe I'm still too upset by it to see it differently. She can be as truthful as she likes, but while I'm enjoying a moment of shopping for my first child in the middle of H&M wasn't the right time to bring up my situation either IMO but that's just me.
Grumple- you have hit he nail on the head. I'm a very positive person and I tend not to hold grudges. She on the other hand, finds it hard to let go of things. She has a tendency to over react and can be quite vengeful in her thinking.
IMO Holding a grudge against my ex serves me zero purpose in life and is not healthy for our baby. I thought she understood that about me but I guess not? All I know is that there will be snowflakes in hell before we ever got back together but at the same time, I do not think it's possible to healthily co-raise a child with someone that I'm holding on to negative feelings about. I'd rather just let that stuff go, which is why we are able to get along now. Surely people the people closest to me should be more concerned about how we move forward than dwelling on things that were said in the past?
It's not just you, definately wasn't the right time or choice of words.
Does your friend have children of her own and know how important looking at all those cuter than cute, gorgeous little clothes was to you?
(DD2's nearly two now and I'm pining for those tiny vests and babygros )
Agent- No she doesn't. I try not to play that "you don't understand" card because everyone is entitled to an opinion, but pregnancy has taught me that pregnancy itself is very much an "unless you've been through it" situation! I will be honest and say it really pissed me off that she ruined that day for me but haven't actually bought anything for LO yet as I'm waiting for 20 week scan to find out the sex. Next time I'll just drag my poor long suffering mother along with me! She's been fab from the start
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