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To tell STBXH he can't see DD on his own at the moment?

(20 Posts)
Meikyo Sat 22-Oct-11 18:59:14

STBXH suffers severe anxiety disorder and depression. This would normally be his weekend to have DD, but he texted me this morning to say he had taken himself off to local hospital as he was having a meltdown. A while later he texted to say he was being taken to the regional specialist Psych hospital. (So he wouldn't be picking up DD from her Saturday activity). I spoke to him on phone and he told me he "hates life and had had enough".

Later this afternoon he texted to say he was back home - Psych hospital did not think he was bad enough to admit him. I then called to tell him that I was surprised he was not admitted given that he was feeling suicidal and that under the circumstances I was not happy for him to have DD on his own for the time being. He then got abusive , shouting etc, and said that as there is a Court Order for him to have her overnight each Wednesday and every second Saturday that I have no right to deny him contact. I expalined that he can have supervised contact (eg with SIL there for example) but as he is not control he cannot have DD (8) on his own.

worraliberty Sat 22-Oct-11 19:01:11

YANBU but I have a feeling you're going to need to go back to court

Scaredycat3000 Sat 22-Oct-11 19:03:05

Surely there must be something in the court order to cover these circumstances? If not it must need updating? Of coarse YANBU.

BertieBotts Sat 22-Oct-11 19:04:06

I think you are being absolutely fair. However, if there is a court order in place you might have to check the terms of that - breaking the order (even if you have serious concerns sad) is illegal and could actually land you in serious trouble. Stipulating that you would like SIL to be there I think would comply with the order, but refusing to send DD unless SIL is there would be breaking it, I think.

Just pisses me off that it's okay for the NRP to break the contact order whenever they like with no comeback, but if the PRC breaks it even slightly, the NRP can take them to court and use that against them angry

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern Sat 22-Oct-11 19:05:45

YANBU in fact you would be being negligent if you did allow him to have unsupervised contact at the moment.

If he can't see that, fine. Tell him he will have to take you back to court to enforce his legal right, but that you are far more concerned with your DD's welfare than anything else.

BertieBotts Sat 22-Oct-11 19:11:10

Actually OP I think you should seek legal advice ASAP. I think it's a bad idea to just go ahead with it and tell him to take you to court if he wants to have contact - I think you need to look at changing the contact order first.

TunaTiebacks Sat 22-Oct-11 19:13:37

Keep the texts! You may need them if you go back to court. But YAdefinitelyNBU.

Meikyo Sat 22-Oct-11 19:15:02

Thanks Bertie - not sure what I can do on a Saturday night tho! STBXH has got previous on this in that Court Order came about in 2009 after I had to get interdicts in place to stop him having contact with DD or me for a period of time after a previous meltdown. He had supervised contact only for a six week period at that time.

babyhammock Sat 22-Oct-11 19:17:34

I think in this instance the court will accept that you broke the order as it will be considered exceptional circumstances. No responsinble parent would have allowed him and I think they will understand

BertieBotts Sat 22-Oct-11 19:18:39

He's not having her this weekend though, is he? So you should hopefully be able to see someone before Wednesday.

Birdsgottafly Sat 22-Oct-11 19:20:49

The court made their decision based on your ex being stable. He has presented himself to hospital wanting to be sectioned, so by his own admission he isn't mentally well. The hospital wouldn't have allowed him to leave with your child in tow, SS would have been called. His not being admitted doesn't mean that he is capable of being in charge of a child.

The hospital will have record of this, if he wants to pursue this legally, you have nothing to fear.

You need this contact arrangement reviewing, MH conditions are more understood than even 2 years ago and the impact they can have on parenting ability. That is to say that it is also recognised that with sport MH issues are not always a barrier, just a concern.

He should not have her unsupervised.

Meikyo Sat 22-Oct-11 19:22:40

Bertie - this would actually be his weekend. He thinks that as he has not been admitted to Psych hospital today that he can just pick DD up as normal. In my vew he is still v unstable - you don't go from being suicidal in the morning to perfectly OK a few hours later and suitable to be left in sole charge of an 8 year old. I'll call my solicitor on Monday.

cookcleanerchaufferetc Sat 22-Oct-11 20:34:13

Jesus, please do t let your ex have your DD. chances are nothing would happen but there is always that tiny inkling that something could. Not worth the risk and you need to call your solicitor Monday attorney rearrange access. Don't feel bad or guilty.

cestlavielife Sat 22-Oct-11 20:42:21

meikyo tehre is clause in teh chidlrens ct allowing for good reason for not having contact - this is a good reason not to allow unsupervised.
i sopped unsupervised for same reaons last year - solicitor adn Ss backed me up thos he didnt take it to court. had he dones so i would ahve set you my reaons - you ahve equally good reaons. keep teh text messages - transcribe them or take photos of them now.

cestlavielife Sat 22-Oct-11 20:50:33


F111JEnforcement ordersE+W.(1)This section applies if a contact order with respect to a child has been made..
(2)If the court is satisfied beyond reasonable doubt that a person has failed to comply with the contact order, it may make an order (an “enforcement order”) imposing on the person an unpaid work requirement..
(3)But the court may not make an enforcement order if it is satisfied that the person had a reasonable excuse for failing to comply with the contact order..

you ahve reaosnable excuse - further you ahve offered him an alternative jsut to be sure ie supervised.

you cant let your 8 year old go with him - unkless she mature enough and able to eg wlak away and get back to you easily if she worried.

cestlavielife Sat 22-Oct-11 20:52:53

actually a pattern of suicidal then saying "oh i am fine" a few hours later is exaclty how my ex would be. but frankly, it isnt enough to ahve his word - you cannot put your child at risk.
onus is on him to get proof from his medical profressionals that he ok to avhe dd - not him to say or for you to judge that. you ahve to make your judgement on what he has said.

if he was the child's nanny or babaysitter saying oh hy the way this morning i felt suicidal but i am ok now...well you would not let that person look after child would you?

cestlavielife Sat 22-Oct-11 20:56:42

the fact he got abusive is telling - stick to your guns and dont let dd go unsupervised til he proves he ok.

BertieBotts Sun 23-Oct-11 09:55:49

Oh, I see. Sorry, I misunderstood. I think from the things others have pointed out - the hospital will have record, the fact this has been covered in court before, hopefully it will count as a "reasonable excuse" - it should - if this doesn't, what on earth would??

SirCharles Sun 23-Oct-11 10:07:27

Stick to your guns & seek legal advice on Monday. You are doing the right thing. My father was similarly "unwell" many years ago and we were advised not to leave my 16 year bro in his company although SS would not take him. Your dd is 8 and a) will not understand his mood swings b) could be at the least frightened &/or worse in danger c) she does not have adequate judgement or the ability to walk away, call you or call the police. Keep her safe. You are the only one that can do it. If you are worried Do you have family to call on for support? (yours & his?)

Meikyo Sun 23-Oct-11 17:59:08

Thanks to all who have posted. I did speak with SIL (his sister) last night and she agrees he is unwell and that I am doing the right thing. Took DD ice skating this afternoon and we had a lot of fun so feeling a lot better. I agree with other posters that this should count as a reasonable excuse not to let STBXH have unsupervised contact at this time. He has had several trips to hospital over the last 5 or 6 years with severe anxiety symptoms and on one occasion had to be rushed in an ambulance after self medicating with beta blockers and alcohol (his heart stopped and he was given adrenalin to bring him back - traces were flatlining) - so I feel justified that DD should not be in his care when he is in meltdown mode. TBH, he can barely look after himself on a good day.

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