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How do i get my son to tell me the truth?

(12 Posts)
knittedbreast Sat 22-Oct-11 13:51:17

My son is having issues settleing in at school. His new teacher is very strict and yr 1 is a big step from foundation where they played all the time.

He has had some issues with some of the boys in his class, pinching, pulling his hair, calling him names. But then it goes away.

Anyway when I ask if there are any problems he often in one conversation will change his story, theres not an issue then there is etc

I just want the truth, he was just out with my dad and my dad said this boy said hello to him in a really sarcy not very nice voice at all. dad asked him and he said he hated school and that people were unkind and that boy wasnt his friend. Dad told me, i asked him and hed "forgotten".

he forgets whatever he chooses and makes it impossible to know whats really going on, when i haven mentioned to the teacher she just says hes no angel either and likes to rough play and we have to remind him no.

am i over reacting? i just want my little boy to tell me the truth. at the moment i dont feel in a position to do anything, he told me this boy kicked him. then he didint, then my son had kicked him.

i dont know what to believe and i dont know if i can even believe him.

what do i do?

FabbyChic Sat 22-Oct-11 13:52:35

He is still a baby really, and very young.

Talk to his teacher.

knittedbreast Sat 22-Oct-11 13:54:29

I have. she hasnt seen anything and most of it takes place in the playground. he tells the teachers but they tell them off turn their backs and their doing it again.

when i try and get serious with him, he just starts play acting.

AmberLeaf Sat 22-Oct-11 13:59:27

Maybe hes worried about being truthful if he feels he too has behaved 'wrongly'?

IME saying 'tell me the truth and you wont be in trouble' usually gets the truth!

Often children wont open up if they are worried what an adults reaction may be ie they will be told off!

Thats what I do anyway and IME it works.

BOOareHaunting Sat 22-Oct-11 14:06:13

I feel your pain - and have been there.

From my experience I would say your DS wants to be friends with these children - hence the lack of tales on them but is also affected by their behaviour towards him. My DS would join the rough housing in an attempt to 'fit in' but didn't enjoy it or often get how rough/ what roughness was accepable as he'd never joined in that sort of play before. Therefore ending in him crying because he's hurt and the teacher saying 'well you were doing it too' hmm or being too rough and getting into trouble because he hurt someone. (never seemed they got the joining in so take it line).

Eventually after an incident I spoke to DS teacher. Another boy (8 months older same class) had been calling DS quite foul names and following him until DS was backed (quite literally!) into a corner. DS pushed him as it's the only he could move him - the boy told, DS had to miss some golden time. sad.

I spoke to the teacher who said 'DS isn't an angel either and the other boy is such a nice boy are you sure you've got the events correct?' shock

Basically I replied that 1) I knew DS wasn't an angel and challenged her to find a 5yo boy who was! and 2) he might be a nice boy but he wasn't 'being' nice to DS and 3) maybe we need to discuss this with HT present if she feels she can't like my DS as much as the others as something needed to be sorted.

Turns out DS original version of events (that got deviated the more he was asked about them) was correct.

Therein also lies a technique. Don't repeatedly question DS. Take his original version of events, approach the teacher and ask her if she knew what happened but do not tell her what DS has said. If he has lied/ stretched the truth then talk to him about the importance of telling it how it is, if his version is correct ask the teacher what she is going to do about it. If the teachers version seemed to collaborate with the offenders version (eg what your DS has said about the offenders involvement but without your DS side) then tell her what your DS has said and show her there are 2 sides.

Sorry for epic post but having spent 2 years dealing with this I know how you feel and also seeing my DS now happy at school with a great group of friends I know that by dealing with it good does come in the end.

knittedbreast Sat 22-Oct-11 14:12:32

I dont know, we are just having such difficulties at the moment with everything it seems.

I think I will do as you suggest and take the first version of events as the truth and go straight to his teacher.

just wish it wasnt all happening sad

glad to hear things are better for your ds now though

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin Sat 22-Oct-11 14:20:41

Talk to the school. If it's happening in the playground what are they going to do about it? They need to keep an eye on him and preferably arrange for him to be playing with other children.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll Sat 22-Oct-11 14:22:26

Can you get near the school and have a spy one playtime? I did this when my DD sad she wasnt joining in at playtime....this is in year one...and I looked, and she was fine!

Running around with the others.....many kids dont tell the whole story...don't quizz him...ask some kids round to play...one at a time...it really helps!

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin Sat 22-Oct-11 14:22:31

And it's not that he's not telling you the truth, it's that he's 6. That's why there are specialists who deal with interviewing small children - they are very responsive to what they think you want to hear and can seem inconsistent.

BOOareHaunting Sat 22-Oct-11 14:34:19

I'm pretty sure my DS version of events did change to make him look innocent (in a 5yo's mind!). EG he had pushed the boy which he knew was wrong - but he couldn't see past that and when he told me why and I started questioning it I think he thought I was trying to find out about how wrong DS had been when in fact all I wanted to know is what had happened before, during and after.

I agree with narky at this age they can't always relay stories as fact because most of the time they're being encouraged to use their imaginations. grin

AmberLeaf Sat 22-Oct-11 15:28:23

To add to my last post,

My children do still get told off if they have done wrong! my example of how to get the truth out is for those situations when finding out the truth is the most important factor.

BOOareHaunting Sat 22-Oct-11 15:54:40

I agree amber I take the stance less trouble if DS tells the truth. grin

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