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..to have spoken up about being abused when younger?

(18 Posts)
tottiesfortea Sat 22-Oct-11 01:54:04

not going to draw it out, but I was abused as a child, Didn't tell anyone when it was happening, because I was told, and believed that no one would believe me. When it did finally come out, guess what, no one believes me, actually, that's a lie, my DH and grown children do, but that's it. Other family members don't. So much so, said abuser is still part/welcome in the family/homes, where as I am not. Part of me says, ok, fine, (I have walked away from it all, the family), but a part of me wants to shout, WHAT ABOUT ME??? I know it sounds so selfish, but no one was there when I needed them, and now when I asked them for help, no one cares. I am so angry. They act like life is perfect, its not!!!! I have even been asked by a family member to explain myself?!? I have, how many times do I have to tell them before they believe it. I feel like I am being treated like I have been the abuser, not the victim.

SacreLao Sat 22-Oct-11 02:03:11

I am so so sorry to hear this.

The people treating you like this are wrong, plain and simple.
[hugs]

Grockle Sat 22-Oct-11 02:06:12

This is why, 25 yrs on, I still don't tell anyone. sad

So sorry. I'm glad you have a supportive DP though.

tottiesfortea Sat 22-Oct-11 02:12:59

Thanks SacreLao, hugs,
Grockle, sending you some hugs. I hadn't intending telling anyone, but it just erupted from my mouth one night (only way to explain it), I so wish I could go back, and unsay it, but I can't. DH is really good with it, he even arranged counselling for me, my children were shocked, oldest still is, but not once have they questioned it, they don't want to talk about it, understandably, I just feel angry with myself for opening my mouth.

idlevice Sat 22-Oct-11 02:19:41

It sounds as if you are coping well but perhaps would still benefit from some counselling to further explore your feelings in a comfortable environment. It probably won't be an instant solution to unresolved anger but is unlikely to be negative in anyway & further things may come up. It doesn't matter it was a long time ago & even if you have people you know that you can confide in, an external person offers a different option. Unfortunately family reactions like this are quite common. Eventually the best outcome may be that you can accept it without the anger so major.

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Oct-11 02:21:43

It must be very hurtful for your family to think you would make up such a thing.

I can only think it's because it's such a difficult subject to get their heads round, that they dare not face up to the fact that they didn't see any evidence of it at the time, and also that they haven't 'read' it on your abusers face.

You were not being unreasonable at all when you spoke the truth after having it bottled up inside you for so long, but try not to heap any more on yourself because of their inability to comprehend the pain you went through.

It just makes me wonder actually, whether this is just typical of the type of relationships that might be in your family?

'Don't talk about it', 'ignore it and it'll go away', 'just carry on as if nothing has happened', they cut you out for saying it and it's all flowers and fluffy kittens again.

But you have said it, and they have listened, whether they wanted to or not.

How long ago did you tell them?

Could they need a period of adjustment? (even though that'd make me angry as well, they should be unconditionally supporting you!)

Grockle Sat 22-Oct-11 02:24:04

Yoy knpw what, i have told prople!. Thinking about it, my sister does know (long story - i was forced to explain briefly) and is supportive and my mother knows minimal stuff but it's never mentioned. She visits me but I cant visit her or other family members in their homes. so actually people do know. And I think, because of my severe MH issues, they had no choice but to believe me. Or at least accept what I said.

I think once this settles, it might not be a bad thing to have it out in the open. It might make you feel better? Has counseling helped? I've never really discussed it like that. I'm terrified it'd tip me over the edge.

tottiesfortea Sat 22-Oct-11 02:37:00

It all came out at the start of this year. and as Agentzigzag says, my 'family' is a bit, ha, a bit??, a lot like that. nothing is said, nothing is talked about, you do as your told, accept things and keep your mouth shut. Counselling hasn't actually started yet, still on waiting list. I'm hoping that it'll help me, purge, is that the right way to say it? I can't tell DH the details, its not fair on him, but I think telling a stranger will help be get rid of it, so to speak.

izzywhizzysfritenite Sat 22-Oct-11 02:41:39

The right counsellor will help you revisit the past and explore your feelings from a safe place and, far from tipping you 'over the edge' psychotherapy will help you integrate your fractured thoughts and feelings and begin the slow process of healing to a point where you feel 'whole' again.

Do you currently have support for your MH issues? Do you have a key worker you can discuss this with?

idlevice Sat 22-Oct-11 02:44:34

Counselling can make things seem worse before they get better but ultimately it must be better than not doing it unless you are 100% convinced you can get to a stage by yourself where you are fine with everything. & otherwise current psychological theory is not correct! Also the counsellor should offer some support strategies if they are a good one. If you do get counselling then if you have any doubts about the counsellor then change asap as it is just a waste of time if you aren't comfortable with them, but mostly they are good sorts obviously to go into that line of work & have all the training. It might take a while or so to get used to it of course. You can always stop/re-start, it's all your choice & if you have some supportive people around you that know what you are doing you that is a plus.

izzywhizzysfritenite Sat 22-Oct-11 02:50:05

For anyone who is conflicted by childhood abuse, each case is individual and posting on the Relationships board may provide help and support when making the sometimes painful decision to choose the psychotherapeutic path to mental and emotional wellbeing.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 22-Oct-11 03:05:16

I have to ask... Have you spoken to SS or the Police? Is the person concerned around children in the family? Are the family, at the very very least, protecting other children?

Grockle Sat 22-Oct-11 05:12:48

In my case, other children are not at risk. My MH has been good for several years but I'm on a downward spiral again so might pursue counselling. I don't know why I keep getting so ill and why I behave the way I do but I assume much of ir is down to what happened when I was young. I usually namechange for threads like these!

My family are very similar, Tottie - heads in the sand, don't talk about anything. and that's my way of dealing with it. Now th dust has settled, it's easier not to think about it otherwise I just feel sick.

colken Sat 22-Oct-11 07:01:09

My mother married for a second time in very later years. After 5 years, my husband and I managed to get her out of it beause she was treated dreadfully. Our relations still think that the sun shines out of his backside regardless of what we say because he was always a 'nice man' when they met him.

Mother was glad to be shot of him.

tottiesfortea Sat 22-Oct-11 16:37:19

There are no other children at risk, and if I thought there was, I would go to the Police. Grockle I have changed my name for this, just incase anyone I know is around.

Thanks ladies for letting me vent a little, and thanks for the advice, smile

Onemorning Sat 22-Oct-11 17:19:09

OP, YANBU. And big (((hugs))) to you, Grockle and others who have suffered abuse.

dottyspotty Sat 22-Oct-11 17:36:56

I'm just starting on the road to prosecution with regards to my abuser [so called brother] have to give a statement on camera on Tuesday my abuse stopped in 1983 at the age of after I was hospitalised, mum and dad where told when I realised aged 17 after I started my first adult relationship. I and my sisters were jealous and they believed we were liars called my sister promiscuous to the family counselor despite her first boyfriend being her husband [now married 30 years]. Mum still thinks the sun shines out of his fucking arse. sad

chipmonkey Sat 22-Oct-11 17:41:13

Have never been in your situation but just wanted to say, of course you were right to tell the truth about what happened to you. It is shocking how your family have treated you.sad

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