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To Want My Children To Have A Special Adult Each?

(15 Posts)
SouthernandCross Fri 21-Oct-11 22:17:17

Kind of like a god-parent but informally and without the religious aspect.
We have 4 children who have 6 GP's between them. 2 they don't see, 2 they see maybe once a year and the other two visit once every month or two. DH and I have sisters who aren't that interested in our children; we see them maybe once a year?
The kids go to school and nursery and attend various clubs, so they get to see and form attachments to various adults, and they are all very sociable.
But I'd really like them to have one of my friends each as their 'special adults' to be able to approach independently of DH and I as they get older. I have gone so far to discuss this provisionally with my friends who are only too happy to do this.
The problem is DH. He's not keen and thinks it's unnecessary.
Is it a stupid idea or would you consider doing the same if you have very little extended family around you?

worraliberty Fri 21-Oct-11 22:19:44

I think it's a nice idea but it's totally unecessary and unworkable.

If we we approach anyone independently to discuss something, it's because we've formed a natural bond and trust with that person.

That's not really something you can pick or choose for them IYSWIM

exoticfruits Fri 21-Oct-11 22:27:11

Everyone needs a will and guardians-have you thought of what would happen if you both died? I think that is what you want special adults for.

exoticfruits Fri 21-Oct-11 22:27:47

I would have the same for both.

grumplestilskin Fri 21-Oct-11 22:30:03

I don't think allocating it will make it so

if you do have friends that your children see as a second port of call after mum and dad then they have it, if they don't, allocating them wont force it, or enhance it, or keep that relationship from changing in the future

SouthernandCross Fri 21-Oct-11 23:33:57

Exoticfruit, we have no idea what would happen to our kids if we die. my sister was going to have them, but that arrangement is no longer suitable. We have no one willing to take them, but probably the GP's they do see will have to split them between them.
My friends all have children themselves but are willing to take on one of my children to take out and single out for 121 attention occasionally. They wouldn't be able to be a guardian for them if DH and I both die though sad

AgentZigzag Fri 21-Oct-11 23:50:15

I would say it's an unnecessary thing to be voiced out loud.

Your DC just graduate towards certain people in their lives, and they're relationships that don't need to be formalised.

I can imagine it'd be a bit of an awkward conversation if you did by putting an uncomfortable pressure on the person, but that could just be me.

Thankfully, the chances of both you and your DH dying at the same time is very, very small smile

BluddyMoFo Fri 21-Oct-11 23:52:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag Fri 21-Oct-11 23:55:35

I meant 'the chances... are very small'.

I'm ashamed and embarrassed of my grammatical error <truth>

exoticfruits Sat 22-Oct-11 08:11:10

I would just leave it to your DCs to make a special relationship-if they want to.

DeliriousTante Sat 22-Oct-11 08:23:49

I agree that it is healthy for children to have an who isn't a parent to go to. But as others have said you can't force it and you can't pick for them. You may find the gravitate towards one of their friend's parents.

DeliriousTante Sat 22-Oct-11 08:24:28

An adult that should say.

Grumpla Sat 22-Oct-11 08:35:56

I have a 'special adult' in my life (I refer to him as my godfather to other people, although there is no religious aspect and I wasn't christened)

He has been there for me through thick and thin, talked me into going to uni when I was in danger of giving it up to run away and work in a bar, and now adores my DS. He's a very, very special person to me.

However, I absolutely know that my parents never, ever expected him to be the one out of all of their friends to have this sort of relationship with me! In many ways he can be quite reclusive / grumpy (downright cantankerous at times!) and has never had a long term relationship or kids of his own. He is a total oddball in fact. But I love him very, very dearly and he has been a great friend to me.

I suppose what I'm saying is you will not necessarily be able to 'pick' the right person for your kids. This kind of relationship evolves naturally.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll Sat 22-Oct-11 08:43:54

Those kid of relationships form naturally...if they want to go to someoneas they get older, they will choose....according to who they relate to. Not according to who ypu choose.

SouthernandCross Sat 22-Oct-11 08:44:16

Thanks everyone for your views.
I can see what you mean.
A lot of my friends have godparents and have special relationships with them and I guess I was looking to emulate those.
The friends I've talked to are keen to make a special effort to cultivate a relationship with 'their' child, but I wouldn't wish to force it on my kids, just given them an opportunity they might not otherwise have.

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