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aibu to be upset with handling of bullying incident by school when occured outside?

(56 Posts)
imogengladheart Thu 20-Oct-11 19:24:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saadia Thu 20-Oct-11 19:29:09

I think YANBU, can't understand why X was sent to your ds' teacher.

candr Thu 20-Oct-11 20:02:48

I would approach the head about this and ask for a meeting with her and class teacher. They should only react to outside incident if it affects the child in school i.e. kid scared of reprecussions in class. It sounds like you did the right thing and if they have been critical of your DS and knocking his confidence you want to know why and what are they going to do to help and support him. I feel for you and am a teacher myself, not all teachers react the correct way and may need the head to guide them. Good luck smile

Groovee Thu 20-Oct-11 20:07:07

I'd be requesting a meeting with the head to see why this is happening.

Minx179 Thu 20-Oct-11 20:23:59

YANBU. Schools have no say in incidents that take place outside of school, unless the incidents occur on the way to/from school.

I think as the girls teacher sent her into your DS's class, she must be able to explain why. Your DS's teacher should also be able to explain why she put him on the punishment list especially if it was to do with that particular incident and not something else.

Ask to see the schools bullying policy. Speak to the Head

Good luck

hocuspontas Thu 20-Oct-11 20:38:05

I'm just wondering if X's teacher thought the incident happened in school. She may have asked How, Why, and When but omitted to ask Where. Please tell your DS that he needs to tell an adult as soon as another child throws something or hits him. Waiting for more then retaliating will always get him into trouble. YANBU though, I have been in a similar situation and was fuming (it was the other parent who went in and told the HT in my case) so I can understand how angry you must be, especially when your DS is having confidence problems. Was his teacher actually cross with him though or did your DS just think so? The teacher should've put his mind at rest. Hope you get it sorted out.

DownbytheRiverside Thu 20-Oct-11 20:45:09

Your post is very confusing.

' He told me that X had hit him a number of times with the stone first. I think this is true (from long experience of X) and that my ds then snapped and hit X back (not okay either!).'

Why did your son not come to you when he was hit the first time?
What have the teachers done other than try and find out what has happened outside the school that might mean the children need extra support or supervision within school, especially at playtime?
Is there a punishment list, have there been any actual consequences for either child or is it your son's fears creating consequences that haven't actually happened?
Children who feel they are being bullied or made unhappy are encouraged to talk about it to an adult they trust, which is what X seems to be doing.
Is X also 'only year 2'?

worraliberty Thu 20-Oct-11 20:51:09

I agree with Riverside

The school haven't taken any action against your DS have they?

Perhaps X was worried about playtime incase your son approached him and the problem continued.

Kids normally are encouraged to talk to a teacher if they feel worried about anything.

topknob Thu 20-Oct-11 20:58:56

If kids didn't 'tell tales' as you put it, then bullying would be dealt with less than it is now....it isn't telling tales, it is explaining that another child hurt you !

Goldenbear Thu 20-Oct-11 20:59:45

If the situation is how you described then x sounds incredibly manipulative. I wouldn't have made your DS apologise if it were my son as you are believing X's story over you're sons. Surely, he needs to know you're on how side if he has self esteem problems.

My DS has just started reception and yesterday was involved in an incident outside of school on the way to the park. Basically, the other child is very boastful and will tell on other children alot for basically reacting to his provocations. He is constantly telling my DS that he is a looser and that he is the winner of some made up competition. Anyway, my DS exploded at this constant taunting yesterday and this child didnt like it so was hitting DS. DS gave as good as he got. The mum of this Boy was as shocked as me but definitely thought my DS over reacted. I was in no way going to make him apologise as i dont want him to be bullied. I have told him to avoid him at playtime but he is happy to do so and to me this is a normal reaction.

In your situation I would personally explain fully why this Boy is not a 'friend' and explain to the school how this child is overbearing.

DownbytheRiverside Thu 20-Oct-11 21:00:16

And of course X isn't sensitive, but the OP's child is?

imogengladheart Thu 20-Oct-11 21:08:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goldenbear Thu 20-Oct-11 21:09:13

I was bullied and IMO you're not doing your children any favours by telling them to not retaliate.

Some children do tell tales though topknob allowing them to appear the victim!

worraliberty Thu 20-Oct-11 21:12:22

They're only 6 and 7yrs old...at that age they're all sensitive in their own ways and over certain issues.

For the class teacher to actually send X to your DS's class OP, there could be a teensy chance the teacher has reason to believe this 'problem' between them could well escalate at school.

Also, is it possible that because you're not over keen on X because he's 'really really aggressive', that you're tending to assume your son is the more innocent party in this?

After all, you immediately told X you doubted your son threw the stone at him on purpose...yet you were wrong about that because your DS admitted he did.

So really it does sound like it could well be six of one and half a dozen of the other because neither X nor your son should be throwing stones at each other.

Perhaps it's worth trying to be a bit more 'neutral' when trying to get to the bottom of this?

Goldenbear Thu 20-Oct-11 21:14:02

Why so suspicious downbytheriverside? X sounds like an obnoxious brat and year 2 is definitely old enough to bully.

worraliberty Thu 20-Oct-11 21:14:05

And now it would seem you're not over keen on X's younger sibling either...

Goldenbear Thu 20-Oct-11 21:18:58

But worralliberty, although some parents find it difficult to come to terms with some children are more aggressive, more irritating, more difficult than others.

imogengladheart Thu 20-Oct-11 21:19:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DownbytheRiverside Thu 20-Oct-11 21:20:17

Not suspicious, they both sound like children who need some intervention and support to me.

worraliberty Thu 20-Oct-11 21:25:54

You need to teach your child not to throw stones too OP.

Stone throwing whether the child throws first or last is dangerous and it's not on no matter who started it.

Goldenbear I understand that but in this case I do think the OP is very one sided.

imogengladheart Thu 20-Oct-11 21:36:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onefatcat Thu 20-Oct-11 21:37:28

I can't really see that the school have actually done anything. As far as I can work out from your post, all that has happened is that X has told his teacher about the incidence in the park, she hasn't probably been able to make sense of it other than it being something to do with your ds who is not in her class, so he has been sent to tell the tale to ds's teacher, who has listened, but doesn't appear to have followed it up.

worraliberty Thu 20-Oct-11 21:42:32

"Stones were thrown at my child"

Stones were also thrown by your child (or at least one stone was...you can't be sure because you saw none of it)

This child has been described by school staff as 'sensitive' and I assume they spend more time with him than you do.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be concerned, but you should be a bit more open minded imo and speak to X's teacher tomorrow.

Find out exactly why she thought X's problem was important enough to send him to your DS's class to tell his teacher.

If he was simply telling tales, the chances are she would probably have sent him back to his seat...but she didn't so it's down to you to speak to her and get to the bottom of it properly.

onefatcat Thu 20-Oct-11 21:46:03

I think you need to put yourself in the teacher's position. Kids this age constantly tell tales on each other. The teachers couldn't establish what the child is taliking about without listening to x. The fact that nothing has been done indicated that the staff don't feel it is their place/not worth following up x's tale as they realize it was out of school. He was probably sent back to class and told to forget about it. Imagine if they had to take kids to the heads office for a private discussion every time one said "she hit me" "he did that" "she called me this" etc.

imogengladheart Thu 20-Oct-11 22:14:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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