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To reply to a letter from an old freind who DH had a troubled relationship with?

(54 Posts)
pickmeupandthrowmedown Thu 20-Oct-11 01:15:47

Okay a letter was posted through my parents door a few days ago from an old school friend of mine (they still live in the same house as we did when we were in school) and they posted it to me.

So a bit of bacground:

The old school friend had a massive crush on me back in the day, we were good friends hung out in the same group ect. Anyway after alevels I took a year off to work and moved to a new city. He and a few other close friends went to uni in the neighbouring town so I spent a lot of time there with them.

At the same time I met my now DH (he was at the same uni as them though not in same year) Anyway it was very awkward as he still had a massive crush on me (tried to kiss me on a few times no matter how much I told him I wasn't interested and that we were friends) anyway at the same time I got together with now DH and because of what this old friend acted like all of us started to drift away from each other (but did still try to be friendly still hung out a bit)

He continued to try it on until now DH had him up against a wall threatening him (he was reallly starting to freak me out - constant messages left for me, notes, phone calls and still trying to kiss me etc) DH found him very odd and never liked him. And before the wall incident would shout at him when this stuff happened etc

We all drifted apart more after this though we did still see each other and would go out as a big group (he just wouldn't talk to me or now DH)

Anyway uni ended (I ended up staying in the town I had moved to) people moved away we sent xmas cards to each other, would try to meet up if we where back in home town.

Me and this old friend still wrote the occasional letter to each other and maybe phone about 3 times a year (we did use to be very good friends)

From the moment we sent him our wedding invite (to the reception) about 5 yrs ago we hadn't heard anything from him and neither did anyone else (not that he really kept in contact with a lot of people). didn't even get a RSVP back.

Anyway - he isn't married, has no partner or DCs (all in his letter) He doesn't apologise for any of the stuff (I lost a good friend through it) but I am half inclinded to reply. Say we are fine, DC and more on way, say about what we did and hope that he is well.

Except DH thinks I should leave it (actually he was adement that I should) that there has been two much shit and stuff and that after all this time we should forget all about it and not reply. After all our lives have moved on.

AIBU to get back into contact with this man? even though DH doesn't want me too?

Thanks - sorry it is long

hauntedstateofmind Thu 20-Oct-11 01:51:40

I would not reply to the letter. You might feel sorry for him but his behaviour in the past means you owe him nothing. I think DH is right and you should let it go. It is unlikely anything good can come of replying and if he then wanted to rekindle the friendship you might have opened a can of worms.

So in my opinion YABU.

mynewpassion Thu 20-Oct-11 01:55:11

Leave it alone. Let sleeping dogs lie. Not worth fighting with your husband about.

ComradeJing Thu 20-Oct-11 01:55:25

A friend doesn't stalk you, harass you and sexually assault and sexually harass you. This man is not a friend to you.

Yabu to reply to him.

xxmush1983xx Thu 20-Oct-11 02:02:48

It sounds to me like he still holds a candle for you if he has gone to the extent of posting a letter to your parents house. Sounds like the whole situation could end messily if you reply. I would leave it and leave the past in the past smile

Joolyjoolyjoo Thu 20-Oct-11 02:11:14

I had a friend like this!! Do not reply! I have no contact now with my "friend", because DH would not be comfortable with it, and , tbh, neither would I!

TantePiste Thu 20-Oct-11 04:53:11

Yabu. He is a creepy stalker and always has been. It is inconsiderate to your dh to drag this on.

cookcleanerchaufferetc Thu 20-Oct-11 05:02:46

He is not a friend and I foresee nothing but problems if you do reply. Bin the letter.

allhailtheaubergine Thu 20-Oct-11 05:04:24

It's not really your husband's decision to make, it's up to you. I think you should decide not to reply.

lifechanger Thu 20-Oct-11 05:23:57

Why would you want to reply after the way he behaved? Is there a little bit of you that wants to know if he still holds a candle for you?

I would leave well alone - I would be pretty unhappy if I were the partner of someone in this position and they made the decision to re-kindle what had been a very destructive and potentially threatening relationship.

As allhailtheaubergine said - it's up to you; you should decide not to reply.

ClaudiaSchiffer Thu 20-Oct-11 05:26:53

I agree with the others. Don't reply. What's the point?

Why would you want to re-ignite a friendship that caused you and your dh problems. And whilst I'm all in support of husbands and wives continuing to have friends of the opposite sex, if my dh had a crazy obsessed female friend from his past crop up and want to get in touch, I'd be pretty hmm about it all. and tell her to fuck off.

BimboNo5 Thu 20-Oct-11 05:50:21

I cant believe you are asking- all thats happened before and you are considering replying? wtaf?

cwtch4967 Thu 20-Oct-11 06:14:16

I would not contact this ex friend. He has caused trouble in the past for which he has not accepted responsibility or apologised - what would you gain by this other than falling out with your husband?

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Thu 20-Oct-11 06:15:08

If you had any respectfor your DH's feelings you wouldn't even be asking this.
Sorry to be blunt but how would you feel if your DH was thinking of getting back in contact with some crazy stalker ex.
It's maybe time to grow up and put your DH/family first before you risk loosing it all.

JamieComeHome Thu 20-Oct-11 06:29:45

If I wre your DH I would be wondering why on earth you would want contact with someone who tried to assault you. You don't owe him (the "friend") anything

MmeLindor. Thu 20-Oct-11 06:30:56

Why do you want to renew contact with this guy, who respects no boundaries, who stalked, assaulted and harrassed you?

He is not a friend.

Your dh is right. Keep away from him.

It sounds like you feel obliged and perhaps strangely flattered by the attention that you received. And that your dh is trying to protect you. And your children.

Do you really want to let this man into your life?

iscream Thu 20-Oct-11 06:35:58

No, you should not reply, or have any contact at all after all the things he has done to you. I was surprised as I read your post that you kept on seeing socializing, even with a group. It isn't flattering...it is unhealthy, the way he acted. Giving an obsessed person any attention at all, can start it all over again. Really, the best thing you could do would be no contact. If you can seal the letter and return to sender, (if it wasn't hand delivered that is) would be a good start.
Twice I knew persons who were hung up on someone who was not interested any longer. Both sent gifts to them, one was mailed, and that was returned to sender. The other person sent something that had been delivered to their door. This person (my friend who sent it) heard someone run up to her door that evening. She went and opened it, and they had returned it to her door.
Both these girls left the guys alone after these acts of rejection.

runningwilde Thu 20-Oct-11 06:38:04

SHow some respect to your dh and dont even think about it. How would you feel if the situation were reversed? None to happy I bet.

JamieComeHome Thu 20-Oct-11 06:41:05

I'm interested that you characterise this as your Dh having a troubled relationship with him. I know you were fairly young, but surely you can see that you had a troubled relationship with him? It sounds like you are harking back to an exciting, confusing time of life, and romanticising (sp?) it

HildaOgden Thu 20-Oct-11 06:46:42

Why are you even considering getting back in touch with him?
Is it because a part of you is flattered by his attention?

You need to stop sending him mixed messages.Having your dh resort to physically warning him off,and then sending each other Christmas cards and meeting up.....seriously??.

ionysis Thu 20-Oct-11 06:46:51

Say the situations were reversed and you didn't want him replying to an "old friend" in the same circumstances. What would you take from it if he did? Personally I would think 1. that he was decietful for replying behind my back 2. that he was disrespectful for going against my clearly explained wishes c. that he was an idiot given the past history and d. that he must have some very strong motive for doing something which would hurt me i.e. putting the feelings of someone he hadn't spoken to in years over mine.

So ask yourself, are you decietful, disrespectful and stupid with an underlying motivation to hurt your husband?

I suspect you are one of those people who craves attention and sees it as somehow "flattering" that this guy behaved in that way and you now want back a little of the drama of having a couple of men argue over you again. Quite sad and immature really.

Proudnscary Thu 20-Oct-11 07:04:10

I had a friend (female) who was brilliant company - we met in our early 20s and just clicked and were inseperable for years. Really close.
But she turned out to be a real loose canon who tried to cop off with my now dh, did the same to other friends, went wild on drugs, lied etc.
I limped on with the friendship, mainly to support her as all her other friends had fallen away. And I still loved her to bits.
Then I had enough and cut contact.
Over the last 15 years she has tried to contact me a couple of times and sent me a message saying 'I'm sorry I did something to hurt or upset you, I would love to meet up'.
I also would love to see her and find out her news, tell her about my dc and my dh and my career, but I didn't reply. My instinct says she will still be destructive in one way or another.
Let sleeping pups lie.

slavetofilofax Thu 20-Oct-11 08:12:49

I can't understand why you would want to reply, unless you secretly enjoy the fact that he fancies you.

Surely the way your husband feels is more important?

If this were a woman on her saying that her husband had recieved a letter from an old 'friend' everyone would be appalled that the husband even wanted to reply. And rightly so.

Give your husband some respect, bin the letter and forget about it.

Whatmeworry Thu 20-Oct-11 08:50:35

I'm amazed you're even asking, given what you've written. Are you being honest with yourself OP?

LoveBeingAWitch Thu 20-Oct-11 08:54:09

Why would you want too? He doesn't say sorry. So he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Maybe he's hoping you've split up by now? Maybe all of it will start up again?

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