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to want to literally strangle my ex for rejecting his daughter?

(23 Posts)
textfan Wed 19-Oct-11 23:52:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllaDee Wed 19-Oct-11 23:57:43

So basically he is blaming you, and taking it out on his daughter? Nice. hmm

Sorry, I have no advice but it is late and I didn't want you to go unanswered. Would his family members want to visit without him - you mention his parents and aunt, maybe you could strike up a relationship with them independently of him?

I'm really sorry you're having this trouble.

FabbyChic Thu 20-Oct-11 00:00:16

He clearly does not want relationship with his daughter,and you cannot force the issue, not all men are good fathers.

YOu have to be both father and mother to her and get on with your life as best you can.

Trying to force things, get angry over them just makes life harder.

fourkids Thu 20-Oct-11 00:05:25

what FabbyChic says.

You have to make up for his failings. You can do that, All you have to do is be a good mum. You can't force him to see her - you might be able to shame him into seeing her once a year at Christmas, but even then...you can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

EllaDee Thu 20-Oct-11 00:05:33

Fabby, what do you reckon about the money though? Surely he should contribute.

It sounds as if he is paying nothing at all which is not on (and I think the OP is overly kind to say she doesn't expect the full amount, but he is taking advantage).

textfan Thu 20-Oct-11 00:05:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllaDee Thu 20-Oct-11 00:07:44

He is punishing your DD though. sad

I agree nothing can make him into a decent person if he's not one. But it'd be sad to see your little girl miss out on her grandparents and aunt if that can be avoided.

textfan Thu 20-Oct-11 00:14:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

textfan Thu 20-Oct-11 01:01:15

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mynewpassion Thu 20-Oct-11 01:09:38

Your daughter doesn't want to see him either, right? If that's the case, once a year works out fine for them. I wouldn't push the issue.

NunTheWiser Thu 20-Oct-11 01:14:58

He sounds like a complete idiot. You can't force him to have a relationship with his daughter. You can do everything you can to facilitate the relationship (and it sounds like you have done), but ultimately, he has to make an effort. TBH, your daughter is getting to that age when she'll understand that her dad is a feckless loser. You just have to keep reassuring her that his behaviour has nothing to do with her.

textfan Thu 20-Oct-11 01:17:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

textfan Thu 20-Oct-11 01:21:41

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mynewpassion Thu 20-Oct-11 01:34:43

He doesn't want to be a father to her and that hurts her. I really do feel for your daughter. She deserves so much better than him.

You've done all you can. I would be cautious of contacting the ILs because they have heard only his side and like you said, totally believes him. It would be great if she could stay with your ex-MIL instead of your ex-DH but the breach might be too great. They might not want to be helpful.

Give you daughter lots of hugs and reassure her that its not her but him.

MoaninMinny Thu 20-Oct-11 08:21:27

why are you flogging a dead horse

you have tried to facilitate a good relationship between them but he doesnt want to know obviously. Accept it, move on and stop tormenting yourself

LizzieMo Thu 20-Oct-11 09:07:04

'He is willing to see her 24 hours per year' !!

OMG this is his daughter, not an annual leave contract!! What a tosser. I think the other posters are right. The man is clearly not a good father and you can't make him into one. I would just stop pushing for his access, but keep the door open if he does want to see her and she is ok with it. As for the child support- absolutely he has to pay it, and you should do whatever you need to to make sure he provides for his child.

It must be a horrible situation but lots of hugs to reassure your daughter it is not her fault.

squeakyfreakytoy Thu 20-Oct-11 09:16:07

The money and your child are two separate things here.

He doesnt want to see this child. Please dont force it. Why would you want your child to be made to go and spend time with someone who very very clearly does not care about her and has no interest in her. That would be cruel.

The money is different, and damn right he should pay to support his child and you should be going down the legal routes to get that from him.

If your child wants to try and have a relationship with her paternal family, could you not contact the grandmother directly and arrange it that way?

mrstiredandconfused Thu 20-Oct-11 09:17:23

He is obviously a twunt of the highest order and I don't think you should do anything further to facilitate a relationship between him and your dd. But I do think you should try to contact his family so that they could try to establish an independent relationship. Could your dd write to her grandmother to tell her how she feels about her arsehole of a dad? It might also be wise to encourage your dd to defriend him on fb- it must be hurting her to see him having a life that deliberately excludes her.

boohoohoo Thu 20-Oct-11 09:52:43

My ex P rejected our DD just before she was a year old then decided when she was six to take us to court for joint custody (you couldn't make it up!) after a very stressful year for both me and DD the night before the judgement (I was told by cafcass that he would get written contact for a period of Dix months and then face to face contact in order to build a relationship) he decided that he didn't want contact after all. It did affect DD she well understood that she had been rejected again. Anyway she is now seventeen, he tried to get in contact with her again just before her sixteenth birthday, asking her did she want to see photos of her sisters as they had been asking about her, she said she'd rather take things slowly with him first, and, he disappeared again.

But do you know she is a lovely well adjusted very loving happy young girl who I am so so proud of, she feels the rejections but knows now that she is the one in control and that he can't bring anything of value to her life now.

Sadly you can't make him see your DD, but ultimately he's the loser. Not sure what I can bring to you here just wanted you know that years down the line it'll be ok- hope that makes some sort of sense.

NoseyNooNoo Thu 20-Oct-11 10:00:57

boohoohoo, that is a lovely post. I hope the Op finds it helpful.

textfan Thu 20-Oct-11 15:51:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

boohoohoo Thu 20-Oct-11 16:19:13

Textfan, how old is your DD? At the moment you need to walk away from him and leave him to his devices. It is hard for your Dd but in the long run will be better, he will only hurt her again. I know she wants to see her family but unfortunately you need to explain gently that it isnt possible at the moment, although she can always send letters, cards etc so that they know she cares.

I really understand how hard it is, and how we as mothers want to protect and put everything right, but sometimes it's not always possible. The fear that he will come and take her will subside, my DD had exactly the same, she slept with me for years.

You are a lovely mum clearly just wanting to do what's right by your daughter. I can tell you that all this work you've put in now will pay tenfold in the years to come, when you have the most wonderful relationship with your DD and he hasn't, that's karma!

textfan Thu 20-Oct-11 22:41:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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