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AIBU?

to not want a bloody proposal ??

33 replies

grrrrswans · 19/10/2011 20:17

I'm not very into the whole wedding thing. Actually I'm more of a jean and tshirt down the registry office with maybe a party for everyone a few weeks later (If i didn't my parents would be gutted and I have a massive family - as oes DP)
I do want to be married though - the significance of it I like (I just don't need all the extra faff- I don't do faff)

Me and DP were talking about weddings/marriage thing again tonight (he's best man in a few weeks for his bf)

We differ on the 'dream' wedding but both would compromise on it except.

DP has always wanted to propose to someone. On bended knee, with a ring and a surprise sort of proposal.
Except why worse nightmare is that, I hate the idea of it have done since I was a teenager. And had to tell him if he 'asked' I would have to say no - that is how much I hate the whole 'proposal'. (I can't explain my hatred of the idea)

My god his face.

AIBU to NOT want to get bloody proposed to even though it is DP dream?

OP posts:

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staylucky · 19/10/2011 20:20

Well it's probably not his dream anymore after a reaction like that! No matter how you think you feel now, how do you know you would not be touched actually at the time when it happens?

Kayano · 19/10/2011 20:22

It's a bit harsh tbh. You want to get married your way, let him propose his way!

Imo

planetpotty · 19/10/2011 20:23

I actually think you are being a bit u

If we flip it and you were saying my DP won't propose but it's always been my dream I would be saying it's unfai if him and it's literally 20 seconds out of his life.

Please give him a chance you never know you might like it - just make it clear no grand gestures or sky writing planes! Something private.... What's the worst could happen you won't spontaneously combust when he gets on bended knee

ImperialBlether · 19/10/2011 20:24

Be careful he doesn't propose to someone else, then!

You seem a bit mean spirited, OP! How is it horrible if someone declares their love for you?

stripeybumpinthenight · 19/10/2011 20:25

There are a lot of anti-romantic-wedding threads on MN at the moment

squeakyfreakytoy · 19/10/2011 20:27

For gods sakes... you want to be married to him, he wants to propose to you.. just let him! You only have to say one single word and its all over and done with.

HardCheese · 19/10/2011 20:34

OP, that kind of bended knee nonsense would appal me, too - can you ask him why on earth he's so set on something so archaic? Is it just because his friends have? (Especially when it's clear you want to marry him, and he wants to marry you, so why on earth the need to backtrack and Pop the Question? Haven't you essentially already done that part?)

It might also help if you were able to articulate to him why exactly you hate the idea so much. Personally, I feel it's archaic, reactionary and sexist, and have told my partner that if he wants the kind of woman who finds that kind of Surprise Ring On Bended Knee thing appealing, then he'd better start looking elsewhere for someone a lot more 'traditional' than me. I would definitely also say 'no, are you mad?' if he tried it.

planetpotty · 19/10/2011 20:40

Hardcheese it's not that bad! I survived

BattyDevineIntervention · 19/10/2011 20:42

Pretty harsh.

Would you be happier if he proposed to someone else in that way?

Or would you rather just grin and bear it? Once its over and you say yes, its over. You aren't obliged to record it and show it to anyone?!?

someRaaRaaplease · 19/10/2011 21:00

I don't think YABU - that is your opinion and you are more than entitled to have it. If the idea appals you (I wouldn't know DH definatly didn't propose).
You have already decide to get married so the proposal is a mute point anyway. Maybe it is time to set a date?
Okay so he wants to propose but equally (I'm guessing) he wants a more traditional wedding than you. Could you compromise?
No proposal but a more traditional wedding than you want (so dress, people to see you get married, reception on the same day - it doesn't have to be very very traditional you coud do it somewhere cool/funky a bit different or wear a colour instead of white/ivory - so it still had a bit of you eg less weddingy but he get the wedding he wants.
Because it sounds like you despise the idea of a proposal but the wedding is negotionable. Use that

CupOfBrownJoy · 19/10/2011 21:01

YABU - would it really kill you to compromise on this for your DP's happiness?

After all, your getting the wedding you want... does the manner of the proposing really matter all that much?

worraliberty · 19/10/2011 21:02

Fair enough if you don't like that sort of thing.

But to turn him down if he did it, well that's just so fickle it's really not worth getting married at all imo.

puddlemeduck · 19/10/2011 21:13

Well.....would you consider RaaRaa's idea? flip it around. He says fine no proposal - what you want (which you hate the idea of and actually if he was to propose knowing you hate it that it a bit mean and pointless of him. also if you hate it that much YANBU to turn it down and he WBU to ask you) but he gets the wedding he wants.

Win win - actually you are more likely to enjoy the wedding (even if it isn't completely what you wanted but as you don't have a dream wedding in that way - so are likely to enjoy it either way after all you say you like the significance of it). And he gets his 'dream' wedding to compensate for not being able to propose.

LydiaWickham · 19/10/2011 21:16

A proposal is him asking you a question, that's all, so ignore the faff around it, and answer the question as truthfully as you can - if he says "will you marry me" would you really answer that with "no" when you know that the truthful answer is "yes" because you do intend to do it?

Or would you not marry him because of they way he proposes? Would you really throw away the chance to spend the rest of your life with a man you love and who loves you for less than 2 minutes of embarrassment? Because be very clear on this, very few relationships can survive a proposal decline.

Only say no if you really, really don't want to spend the rest of your life with him.

Bue · 19/10/2011 21:19

I'm with you. I find the idea of proposals (especially on bended knee!) embarrassing and cringeworthy. We just had a sensible discussion and decided to get married.

It's quite sweet that that's his dream though, and some compromise is probably called for. Could you agree to a proposal of some sort? In my case I didn't really want a ring but he really wanted me to have one so we went shopping together. And I absolutely love my ring, so you might love your proposal.

pigletmania · 19/10/2011 21:24

You are being a bit mean spirited. What is wrong with your dp declaring his love for you You do sound a bit of a stick in the mud tbh.

Oggy · 19/10/2011 21:27

Your DPs face was probably more about you telling him you would say no ife he propsed than the fact taht you are saying you don't want a proposal.

I don't think you are being unreasonable not to want one, but I think you are being unreasonable to tell him you would say no if he did propose. He probably wonders how serious you are about the marriage if that would stop you, or whether the differences in your outlooks are too fundamental if you would sacrafice marrying him because of your proposal "ick" feeling

My thoughts anyway, sorry if harsh.

MoreBeta · 19/10/2011 21:36

grrrrswans - you seem to be getting very mixed up about 'getting married' and 'weddings'.

You like the idea of being married to DP but you don't want the big white wedding. Right?

What you effectively said to him was 'I don't want you to ask me to marry you' and that sounds a lot like 'I don't want to marry you'.

I suspect he is very upset.

If its any help, me and DW discussed getting married long before I formally asked her. It was a romantic evening and I had a bottle of champagne in me it seemed the right moment so I asked and she said yes. That was it. We bought a ring and then we officially told our friends but didnt get married for another 2 years. A very simple small ceremony with a few friends and family.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 19/10/2011 21:49

Bended knee sounds better than the so called proposal I got.

Dh's proposal after we had both had a rather drunken meal out together went like this "so when we get married shall we do it abroad?"

Like you am not a big romantic and dh knows this but I could't help feeling a little disappointed.

grrrrswans · 19/10/2011 22:01

As well as hating the idea of someone asking me to marry me - I feel like we don't need it. He told me within about 3 hours of meeting each other that he was going to marry me. And we have talked about weddings etc. the fact taht we are going to get married has always just been there. The question is not needed and apart from that I can't explain y hatred for them.
For me the wedding (whether it is mine or his) is when you do the whole love stuff - I don't need it twice.

RaaRaa I suppose you have a point about flipping it around - no proposal but he gets his wedding.

But Shit - I really upset him didn't I :( Well he's out at the mo so I can think about how I can fix this. Shit. I basically told him I wouldn't marry him didn't I ?!?!?

OP posts:

ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 19/10/2011 22:11

I don't think YABU but could you compromise. He could propose in the living room, when the DC? are in bed and the curtains are shut so no chance of being observed. He could kneel on both knees while you're sitting down.

planetpotty · 20/10/2011 09:20

How are you feeling now you have slept on it OP?

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grrrrswans · 20/10/2011 19:24

Um well we talked last night when he came back planetpotty in which I apologise from the bottom of my heart if it sounded like i didn't want to marry him. Anyway after much much talking I can still not get my head around being proposed to and did try to explain it to him it's the being asked to marry someone I really don't live. evidently he was upset and asked if I would compromise on it (which I know people suggested but however it was done it would still be a proposal) and I had to say no. anyway after much much more talking (it was a late night). I mentioned the idea someone had here about no proposal but his wedding. I want to marry him and even if a 'thing' isn't very me I would do it anyway really. He asked more questions about it (he wants a wedding party, speeches, reception, ceromony, at an actual place) and I actually agreed. He wants me to mull it over for a few days but I'm not going to say no. I already upset him about the proposal (which is going to take a bit for him to get over), at least i can give him the wedding of his dreams even if it isn't quite what i imagined.
He did say that part of it is me wearing a ring - to symbolise it as well as the rest of it. I have a ring that he gave me for my 21st (hardly the most expensive ring in the wold edwardian from a flee market) so i suggested that I wear it permanently on my ring finger (i usually only wear it now and again) he ran upstairs straight away and made me put it on. I said he could get me an enternity ring when we eventually get around to DC1 so i would have 3 rings on that finger. - which he seemed to like
Thank you very much ohh and he is making us set a date this weeekend :O

OP posts:

grrrrswans · 20/10/2011 19:47

I'm glad you came to a compromise that suits you both and congratulations (if i'm allowed :P to say it)

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 20/10/2011 19:59

Can I ask you, OP, whether you find it easy to tell him you love him?

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