AIBU to turn down a possible job because of my ExH(16 Posts)
I did consider name changing for this but hey ho words on a screen!
I work in the public sector, same profession for 19 years, worked my way up to management level. I am due promotion next year, been waitng a few years but it is pretty much on the cards for 2012. I am also due to move jobs in the middle of next year so will be moving on promotion. My type of job entails a move every couple of years, not an issue normally. DH is SAHD so mobile, DC young enough that it has little impact so far. DD really good at starting new schools and making friends etc
My ExH works for the same employer but in a different specialisation. We had been together a few years, married and then he had an affair within 6 months. I left him, divorced, met new DH and now am happily married with 2 beautiful DC. So far since my Ex and I split I have managed to avoid being in the the same location as him. I don't particulalrly want to see him on a regular basis as I am still hurt by the way I was treated and he really winds me up with his "whiter than white" persona he portrays.
He is due to move jobs in the early part of next year and is moving to work in the building and town I wanted to move to next. Its a large building with several hundred people in but is very open plan and the type of environment we work in means I will end up seeing him there regulalrly as well as having to go to the same social functions through work.
If I take the job I want we get to stay living in the same area we are in now, DD gets to stay at the same school, DH gets to go to his preferred uni of choice when he goes back inot education next year and I would be doing the job I want in an environment that is good for me professionally. It is the one area of my job I need to demonstrate my abilities in that I haven't had chance to do so yet. however this isn't the only chance to go there. I could go elsewhere fo this job and then come back in a few years. It would mean that I end up working in the same building as ExH for 2 years.
If I take another job we would move about 200 miles away, DD changes school and DH has to commute much further to go to Uni (only 2 in the country do the course he needs) this will increase our childcare costs fairly significantly. Their is a job there I am interested in but it is in a similar area to one I have done already. Professionally this is not as good for me but it means I don't have to see my cunt of an Ex all the time?
So AIBU to consider turning down an interesting and career improving job just because I have to work near my cunting EXH?
Have you discussed this with your DH? From what you've described you'd be far better off if you can suck it up and cope with seeing your Ex. Get ready to show how far you've moved on and how little he means to you.
I want both to have the interesting job but not have to see him our divorce is part of what delayed my promotion even though he had the affair.
Not unreasonable. Just crazy!
Why on earth are you even considering allowing your ex to influence your decisions or possibly have an adverse affect on your career and family's life?
Remember - living well is the best revenge... take the job, have a ball and prove it to the bugger!
My DH just wants me to be happy
He would be better at the uni here for a variety of reasons Childcare one of them
Me knowing his course tutors so it will help at his interview etc
I feel I owe him his "time" now for giving up work to be SAHD and supporting my career so far
He just says he'll follow me wherever I want us to go
I think you'd get used to it surprisingly easily. It may well be one of those things where the prospect seems hideous, it's awkward and horrible for a few weeks and then after a while you barely even register him.
Could you give it a go? See if you get to the point where you don't register him and if you don't get there and you hate it, try to move on at that stage?
I am a different person now but I just know how shit he could make my life. Even though he had the affair, with a friend from work he made out I was the bad one for leaving. And he took my dog
So I'm crazy and U see ex was right all along
I'm fucked if I'd let the bastard out of my sight (or away from my range in order to make his life misery) if he took my dog!
I'd be there in the workplace, in his face, day in, day out, making his life hell until I got my dog back.
OK, not crazy... but seriously, I'd be damned if I'd let him screw up my career. So he makes you out to be the bad guy in the marriage... but who will really care? Your friends will know he's bullshitting, your colleagues will know that EVEN IF it's true it doesn't affect your ability to do your job. They'll just think that the ex is something of a screwball for bringing his personal life into the workplace!!
And meantime, you have a lovely new DH and children and will be earning (hopefully) a good income to help support your family whilst loving what you do.
Sorry, even if it WERE true... I didn't mean to sound like I disbelieve you.
Thanks DBF I know what you mean! Unfortunately my dog was at such a secure location I would have needed my friends in black masks and camouflage to get him back
I now have his sister sat on my sofa (dog that is) - breeder couldn't see me without a dog so asked me to look after her as a "long term foster" 7 years ago
I wouldn't let this unpleasant ex derail both your career and the significant reasons for domestic happiness that suggest the job you want has advantages for your family as well as you. Only you can judge whether his presence in the same building and the occasional glimpse at a work function will really have a negative impact on your life - in time, might he not just become another one of those distant colleagues we all have and all dislike, rather than a genuine bugbear...? Whatever his whiter-than-white persona, you know what really happened, after all, and you're happy now, with a fabulous-sounding husband and children. How much power can the ex really have, other than reminding you of past misery? Consider getting some counselling in order to let the lingering hurt and anger out...?
Easy for me to say, of course, but this job does sound like such a good thing for your entire family, as well as you, that it seems like giving a nasty minor figure from your past too much power over your destiny to turn it down for his sake...?
I think I know I am being U
It's just it has taken me so long to get my career and life back on track financially that I don't want to give him the chance to fuck it up again
He is the sort to smarm his way in with my department and drop comments and the employer I work for although big is actually a very small world
I'm already having CBT for management of my CFS but his came up today after I was discharged from needing further care - sods law
Ok I think I will discuss again with DH and my HR and go from there but you're right I shouldn't let this shit dictate my life
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