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I don't think I am but Husband does!

(129 Posts)
OatcakeCravings Wed 19-Oct-11 14:03:34

I'll try to keep this short....

We have been invited to a wedding in two weeks time. For various reasons we didn't know about it until last week when H was invited to the stag party. We are also going to a wedding the following week.

When we got the invite our DS wasn't on it - so we both agreed that we wouldn't go since we don't have a babysitter. However at the stag night my H was told that DS was actually invited. My H said that he would speak to me and let the groom know if we are going or not.

I'm not overly keen on going - not because I don't want to but because it will be expensive and we've had no time to set money aside for it due to not recieving an invite. We have the other wedding the next week plus Xmas is coming up and we aren't rolling in the cash! So I said to H that I still didn't want to go even though DS was invited.

I thought that was the end of it but H brought it up two nights ago saying we needed to discuss if we were going or not. I said that I thought it had been decided that we weren't going and H got a bit huffy about it.

So I thought about it and thought that if we drove to the wedding and back (about 40 mins away) rather than stay in the hotel, we'd save the £100 on the room plus say £50 on drinks. I thought this would be a good compromise as my H isn't a big drinker and often offers to drive much further and back in a day (eg 3 hours each way) to go to family things. I don't drive.

I put this to H and he was not happy to say the least! He kept saying that if he couldn't drink then he wasn't going, his exact words were "you can't expect me to be sober at a wedding" He thinks that I am being totally unreasonable and he has replied saying we aren't going. I honestly thought that if he was that bothered about seeing his friends getting married he wouldn't worry about drinking - so now I'm thinking the main reason he wants to go is to get drunk with his mates.

H is now in a bad mood with me, 2 days now and is barely speaking to me. I'm not that bothered as this is how he projects his anger, hes all very passive agressive and childish! So AIBU??

Hullygully Wed 19-Oct-11 14:07:36

I dunno

SenoritaViva Wed 19-Oct-11 14:08:40

How utterly ridiculous to even think of paying for a hotel when you are only 40 minutes away (when money is tight). Your DH is behaving in a childish way, YANBU.

Sidalee7 Wed 19-Oct-11 14:09:52

YABU to expect him to go through a wedding without a drink. He is BU by barely speaking to you.

HamstersDontSwim Wed 19-Oct-11 14:10:02

Would it put you in real financial trouble if you went?

If it wouldnt be too bad, then let him have it his way and go as your DH really wants to.

Hullygully Wed 19-Oct-11 14:10:25

I know! Get a cab. Bound to be cheaper than the hotel. Book far enough in advance and negotiate a good rate.

domesticdiva Wed 19-Oct-11 14:11:03

Taxi as a compromise? But YANBU in my opinion! smile

EverybodysScaryEyed Wed 19-Oct-11 14:11:11

You could have taken a taxi for less than the room price!

if he was really that bothered he could have looked into options. maybe he could have foregone christmas presents to part fund it!

Xnedra Wed 19-Oct-11 14:11:50

A wedding 40 minutes away costs as much as you want it to. £50 on drinks seems like a lot to me, especially if people are driving.
Ask your DH why he wants to go, if it's to see his friend get married then a 40 minute drive and 350 on drinks (pls gift) is fine, if he wants a piss up tell him where to go and that you can't afford it.

Maisiethemorningsidecat Wed 19-Oct-11 14:11:54


I really don't get the idea that alcohol must be consumed in order for it to be a wedding - fgs, can't he do without a pile of drink for one day? He's being an idiot about this, esp. when money is tight.

TimothyClaypoleLover Wed 19-Oct-11 14:12:05

Why did you not know about this until last week? I would be tempted to say that its too short notice as a reason not to go.

However, I agree with your DH that weddings are a celebration and its good to have a few drinks with everyone, particularly as it is your DH's friends. It is a pity that you do not drive. If it was me I would be happy to drive and let DH have a few drinks with friends and he would be the same with my friends.

Is it an option for your DH to go on his own and get a lift with other friends? Or can you both get a lift with other people? I guess a taxi would be too expensive for 40 min journey.

Pagwatch Wed 19-Oct-11 14:13:00

Yes. A cab.

That will do it. Plus you can book it Kate enough for him to feel he has let his hair down, early enough for you to get ds home at a decent hour.

Carrotsandcelery Wed 19-Oct-11 14:14:27

Are you ever the one not to drink at a wedding? eg childcare, pregnancy, breastfeeding? If you have been the sober one then I don't think yabu. Sometimes it is just the only way.

That said, if all your friends are really drunk then it is a long night when you are sober.

Is there a train you could take to get to and from the wedding and both have a few drinks rather than loads and loads of them?

Could your dh go on his own and stay with a friend to cut the cost of drinks (yours) and hotels?

Is there cheaper accommodation anywhere nearby?

I would be trying to find a compromise, as you have, but if he is not willing to take it then I don't think yabu. I can't tolerate huffing so he would have no chance of my cooperation now. Discussion is useful - huffing is manipulative and aggressive and unhelpful and childish.

Good luck with it.

squeaver Wed 19-Oct-11 14:14:27

Yes get a taxi, that's the obvious compromise.

Just out of interest, why didn't you know about it until only 3 weeks before?

dexter73 Wed 19-Oct-11 14:14:29

I have to say I wouldn't want to go to a wedding and not have a few drinks. I don't get drunk but I still like to have a few glasses of wine/champagne.
I kind of think you are being a little BU as he obviously wants to go and you have told him that you can't, and seeing as he is the driver the onus is on him to drive there and back. If he is happy to pay for the hotel then go and have fun!
Also if he can't drink as he is driving would you be willing not to drink too to show a bit of appreciation for him?

OatcakeCravings Wed 19-Oct-11 14:14:48

A taxi would be more expensive than staying in the hotel I have checked. Everyone we know is staying in the hotel that night so we can't get a lift with anyone.

Xnedra Wed 19-Oct-11 14:14:50

But surely a cab plus extra money spent on alcohol could put it out of OP's budget.

kelly2000 Wed 19-Oct-11 14:15:04

If one of my friends had said before the wedding that he had every intention of drinking until he was drunk and had no intention of staying sober I would think he was a loser. What sort of an idiot has to get drunk to have a good time. Sorry, but he is behaving like a stupid teenager by refusing to attend a wedding unless he can get drunk.

Hullygully Wed 19-Oct-11 14:16:34

yes Kate, go on.

CalmaLlamaDown Wed 19-Oct-11 14:17:14

Could he go on his own and share a room with a friend? Seems a shame to miss it and i can understand him wanting to relax with a few drinks.

Maisiethemorningsidecat Wed 19-Oct-11 14:17:28

A cab both ways for a 40 minute journey is around £25 each way, iirc from my recent taxi journey - so £50 for transport there and back. That's quite a hefty sum, esp. when you add a present and the alcohol he feels it necessary to have - easily £100 for one day.

Hullygully Wed 19-Oct-11 14:18:23

<admires Maisie's dedicated research>

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 19-Oct-11 14:18:28

"you can't expect me to be sober at a wedding"
For that alone, YANBU. For his barely speaking to you, YADNBU.
Your proposal was a good compromise. Two weeks notice of a wedding - I know you said 'various reasons' but I can think of several that would predispose me against going anyway, regardless of your husband's tantrumming.

PinotScreechio Wed 19-Oct-11 14:19:24

Who's Kate?

Is Kate the Bride?

Is it Kate and William doing it all over again for more pressies?

Is it Kate Winslet and her husband numero trois?


Xnedra Wed 19-Oct-11 14:19:41

I know what I would think of a friend that would want his family (invited to my wedding) to stay at home so he could afford to go alone and drink lots. While they could of all come and he had stayed sober.
The OP's DH is putting his want of alcohol before his friends and family.

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