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AIBU to think not getting married for THESE reasons is daft?

(75 Posts)
Wamster Wed 19-Oct-11 13:44:06

OK, from the off I must say that I can understand precisely why marriage is not for everybody.
People may not want to even live with another person and, truly, I think that is reasonable and perfectly acceptable. I really do see that monogamy isn't everybody's cup of tea. And from the threads here, I can honestly say that some people are better off single and would be happier that way.
In fact, the cult of monogamy most definitely does not suit everybody.
I also understand that if two people cohabit, there may not be the desire (for whatever reason) to legally tie themselves to one another other than the ways that they wish to tie themselves together e.g. a joint mortgage.
If they wish to have legal ties at all, of course. Perhaps some people actively want the ability to leave without any hassles. And I think that is perfectly OK and reasonable.
Last, but not least, I fully understand that marriage does not always mean a good relationship and that cohabitation can bring a good and rewarding relationship. I understand this very well.

Basically, all the above are, imo, good reasons for not wishing to marry, however, not getting married because of:
a, It's historical background of religion and belonging to a man.
What's that all about? confused I mean, marriage is surely just a legal contract and what the couple 'do' with the marriage is up to them?
I know that the legal contract of marriage has a lot of implications, but it doesn't seem to be the legal implications that put people who cite 'historical' side of marriage as reason not to marry off (which would be understandable) . No it's the historical stuff. confused
Surely nobody has to become a traditional wife upon marriage anymore. Nobody has to have a religious element. In fact, only a third of all marriages that take place today have a religious element.
The number of weddings I've attended that take place in hotels is testament to that fact.

b, Because of a dislike of weddings.
Surely nobody has to have a wedding? Why not just go down the register office on a quiet tuesday morning and do the deed? I just don't understand why not wanting to be 'given away' etc would put people off marrying if marriage meant something to them. If you really want to get married, you do the wedding your way, don't you?

Just seems daft to me to have these two things as reasons not to marry. AIBU?

JeremyVile Wed 19-Oct-11 13:49:38

What does it matter?

usualsuspect Wed 19-Oct-11 13:50:40

People don't get married for all sorts of reasons

so what?

MrBloomsNursery Wed 19-Oct-11 13:52:01

What's it got to do with you? Are you married?

ladyintheradiator Wed 19-Oct-11 13:52:19

Do you really feel that strongly about why other people do/do not do something? Has a response from someone triggered this post?

purplewerepidj Wed 19-Oct-11 13:52:29


A person is under no obligation to tell you why they have made a decision. Your a) and b) reasons sound like excellent dinner party discussions to me, the kind of subject I'd bring up with acquaintances in order to provoke an interesting debate; they don't sound like particularly personal, deeply held convictions hmm

EllaDee Wed 19-Oct-11 13:52:35

If those two things bother you and your partner, though, they're as valid as not wanting to get married because yo don't want Aunt Muriel to insist on puking in the flowers as per tradition, or because you are violently superstitious about the sound of church bells. If you're coming up with a reason not to do something, and it doesn't affect anyone else, you can make it as random as you like! Just don't expect others to agree all the time.

tilder Wed 19-Oct-11 13:56:45

In answer to your question, yes YABU. Can't be bothered to elaborate on my own view on marriage, but I do think most people have very strong views on marriage (for and against) and I think its a bit much to dismiss those strong views as a bit daft.

MamaMaiasaura Wed 19-Oct-11 14:00:20

Are these reasons ones that your dp have given you?

picnicbasketcase Wed 19-Oct-11 14:01:04

I kind of agree. Those are fairly daft reasons not to get married, in my opinion. But you probably shouldn't proclaim to others that they are being daft about it. Because they are entitled to their opinion too.

Wamster Wed 19-Oct-11 14:02:11

purplewerepidj, I didn't say that I would demand any explanation off anybody for not wanting to get married. But this is AIBU section of mn where people can ask opinions of others. I also didn't realise that an AIBU subject had to be a deeply held conviction, either.

Blackduck Wed 19-Oct-11 14:06:35

In answer to your OP YABU, although it does amuse me how areated you get about it smile

DontGoCurly Wed 19-Oct-11 14:06:42

I just won't get married. It's hard to say exactly why. It's not one reason. But I certainly don't like the idea of being anyones 'wife'

I'm in a LTR, co-habiting. The third significant one of my life. I live for the present. I don't know about 'forever' -I just see marriage as something for other people. Very serious. Lots of hassle to undo if the relationship goes wrong.

I feel I have more control being just me. I own my own property, car and have my own money. I don't do joint accounts/joint property or anything else that involves being tied to another person.

I'm in the position that if my OH pisses me off at any stage I can show him the door and that's how I feel happiest !

purplewerepidj Wed 19-Oct-11 14:07:59

You've misunderstood me, Wamster.

The subject under discussion is one on which many people have deeply held convictions. My point is that they may not wish to discuss those convictions with you

I didn't pass comment on whether or not the subject should be discussed on AIBU or any other part of the forum hmm

reelingintheyears Wed 19-Oct-11 14:09:08

People have lots of reasons not to get married...i had no particular reason only that i didn't want to get/be married/have a big 'do'/wear a dress and be the centre of attention.

I wasn't being daft and 26 years on come January just validates the decisions that DP and i made nearly 26 years ago.

DC are all but grown up now and DP and i are among the very few parents of DCs friends that are still together..happily,i might add!

reelingintheyears Wed 19-Oct-11 14:11:15

All our monies are ours.

All our debts are ours.

Wamster Wed 19-Oct-11 14:11:36

purplewerepidj, So presumably, then, on that basis, this section of mn, or indeed all sections of mn should cease to be because nobody should be rude enough to ask what others think about sensitive subjects? That's the only logical conclusion of your post.

Sandalwood Wed 19-Oct-11 14:12:16

Have you proposed to someone and they've given these as reasons?

Hullygully Wed 19-Oct-11 14:15:27

Sadly marriage does still very much bear that historical freight. It may not forever, but it does at the moment. You need only consider Mrs, Miss (and Ms) vs Mr to understand that.

So I think it's a more than valid reason not to get married.

Gotarty Wed 19-Oct-11 14:19:18

YABU to think anybody's reasons not to marry are daft.

I think it's a bit daft to do stuff because everyone else has done it - I suppose that means I couldn't justify getting married because it's historic. And I find weddings absolutely awful, aviod them if possible - waste of money, showy off, pantomine-like, very naff occasions, but that's just As long as I don't feel I have to go to one I really don't care how other people spend their time or money.

Wamster Wed 19-Oct-11 14:20:46

Oh no, it's a friend of mine. She is living with her partner and their 2 dc's. She is a sahm. He's well paid but the house-and indeed everything else- is in his name. To be honest, from what she confides in me, he pays for everything and he made sure that even when she was working pre-dc's she did not contribute to bills/mortgage He could have just have been generous, of course.
She's not a penny to her name now apart from what he gives her.
I've only ever pointed out in an impartial kind of way of how potentially vulnerable this situation is for her, and only when she brings the subject up herself, but yesterday she started going on about 'historically' marriage was terrible for women and that is why she didn't want it. I bit my tongue and said nothing.

ElizabethDarcy Wed 19-Oct-11 14:25:23

'Cult of monogamy'? hmm That's a first!

For me it's all or nothing, I refused to even move in together before being married. Had a lovely small wedding. Ten years ago next week. Wouldn't change a thing. Shared accounts/properties. Am a successful business owner, am very much my own person too.

But that's me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a wife!

We are all different and have different reasons for doing things our own way... there is no absolute right or wrong here.

reelingintheyears Wed 19-Oct-11 14:25:30

I don't really give one what anyone else thinks about our choices.

I am a Ms and no one ever asks or even comments these days.

If school phoned and assumed i was Mrs X,i could never be arsed to put them right.

Mostly they got it right and they were the only times i got called Mrs X.

I might add that the DC have DPs surname.

It made life easier for them all to have the same surname.

We could have gone for double barrelled names but phew,what alot of bother over a name.

We tossed a coin!

Hullygully Wed 19-Oct-11 14:27:16

That's a bit different Wamster, isn't it?

attheendoftheday Wed 19-Oct-11 14:31:30

Well, if DP and I agree on our reasons for not getting married how can it possibly matter to you? I fit into your catagory a) btw.

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