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to think that you have to cede some control if you're going to use childcare?

(40 Posts)
Balsam Wed 19-Oct-11 13:30:09

Over the last few months, there have been a few threads on here about people not being happy with something their nursery or childminder are doing. There have been a few about what food is being fed, one about their child being too full (or was it not full enough?) and one about the childminder having CBeebies on too much. Those are the ones I remember off the top of my head but there are always ones like that on here.

AIBU to think that if you are not going to look after your child full-time, you have to accept that the people who are might do things slightly different to how you would wish? Isn't that the price you pay?

Obviously, I'm not talking about big issues, such as giving them something they're allergic to or letting them watch porn (!), but the little things.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight Wed 19-Oct-11 13:33:59

What is a little thing though?

And that's the problem.

What is seen by one person as a 'little thing', not worth bothering about and just something to be accepted as doing things differently - might be a huge deal for the other person, something that matters so much to them and is one of their - <searches for a term> erm - core parenting value thingies? or something.

cat64 Wed 19-Oct-11 13:35:24

Message withdrawn

FunnysInTheGarden Wed 19-Oct-11 13:35:46

YANBU. Some people are very controlling and precious, in fact I know someone who wa sacked by her CM as she was soooo controlling

ajandjjmum Wed 19-Oct-11 13:36:47

Yes you do - particularly when it is a 'nanny' situation, rather than nursery. And it is hard at times, but that's the compromise!

It does help if you have someone who is sensitive to how you feel, and luckily I did have.

benandhollyandgaston Wed 19-Oct-11 13:38:50

Yeah, I kind of agree with you.

My DD1 never had a dummy and the c/m let slip after about a year that she'd tried to give her one to calm her down once (didn't work).

I told my friend about it as a sort of amusing anecdote - DD1 had a long history of dummy refusing and was about 20mo at the time c/m tried it. My friend thought c/m was bang out of order.

I was just, well, meh, DD1 was upset, she thought it might work, I wouldn't have done it but, you know, nobody died.

Hardgoing Wed 19-Oct-11 13:39:38

I agree, Balsam, but then I am quite relaxed not bothered about food choices in general and how much TV my children watch, as long as it's not chicken nuggets and wall-to-wall CBeebies every single day. I have never had to complain or say anything to a childminder or my family about any aspect of care in the past few years, as they have all had my children's best interests at heart and swallowing a few 'well, I wouldn't have personally let them do X/eaten Y but no big deal' is a price well worth paying to me (in fact, it's valuable to have the children see different people have different expectations).

Francagoestohollywood Wed 19-Oct-11 13:40:05

I agree with Cat64 post.
I also agree that there are some uber controlling mothers around.

Birdsgottafly Wed 19-Oct-11 13:43:41

Diet and the use of television as a babysitter are big issues, if done daily.

If you are paying for the service, you get to choose, but you should write down what is important to you and ask about them, when you first visit, then decide.

SensitiveWaterSign Wed 19-Oct-11 14:06:08

Agree, YANBU - if you use a childminder, nanny or nursery, you are effectively out-sourcing the childcare, or delegating - and there's nothing worse than some meddling manager trying to micro-manage everything.

You have to let some things go - and, actually, if you're sure whoever you've chosen to look after your children in your absence is keeping them safe and happy, that's the most important thing. Personally, I don't object to my childminder letting my DDs watch a bit of TV or having the odd non-optimal foodstuff - I want them to be safe and have a good relationship with her. As it happens, she probably does more craft-work/wholesome stuff with them than I ever get around to and has an outstanding ofsted report: she just has a different approach to some things, which can be positive.

FunnyHaHaPeculiar Wed 19-Oct-11 14:14:02

of course you do

if you want complete control over your child 100%, you will need to care for them yourself 100%, otherwise you risk the carer doing something that isnt to your liking

halcyondays Thu 20-Oct-11 22:42:46

Yanbu, also, a childminder has to balance the needs and wishes of different children and parents, surely the most important thing is that your dc is happy and safe.

callmemrs Fri 21-Oct-11 06:44:09

YANBU. In fact it's only logical isn't it that whenever you are not physically there caring for your child, 'you are ceding some level of control to whoever is, whether it's the other parent, a childminder, school or whoevers care they are in.

I agree with cats's about rcognising which things are important and non negotiable and which really don't matter. In fact, it's absolutely a good thing that children know from a very small age that things don't always have to be done by the same person in exactly the same way. It makes me shudder when I read posts from mothers saying their child cant possibly be put to bed or given his dinner by anyone else - not even the father! Some mothers can be uber controlling and it ain't pretty!

Whatmeworry Fri 21-Oct-11 07:22:39

YABU it's my money so they must do my bidding to the letter and those other minions mothers can fit in or fleck off.

Megatron Fri 21-Oct-11 07:26:59

YANBU Of course you do. You might not like it but that's the way it is, if you are not doing ALL the childcare yourself. I think you need to point out your absolutely deal breaking no no's and then realise that there may be occasions that little Jimmy may be shoved in front of CBeebies for 5 minutes while a CM (for example) changes a nappy.

gastrognome Fri 21-Oct-11 07:34:13

YANBU. There's no such thing as perfect childcare IMO - you have to accept that other people are going to do things differently. I think that's just the nature of childcare in general.

Of course you do your best to find a CM/creche/nursery that fits in with your general principles on child-rearing, but as others have said you are delegating care so you have to be able to let go a bit.

Of course that's easier said than done - like benandhollyandgaston my DD1 was given a dummy at creche even though she'd never had one before. She didn't take to it and they soon gave up, but I was a bit shock at first. Also I spent her first year carefully making sure she didn't have any added sugar, chocolate, sweets etc. And then discovered she'd been having nutella sandwiches once a week at the creche for ages!

With DD2 I have relaxed a bit. She's at a different creche with different ways of doing things (mostly involving letting the kids crawl/run around outside in the garden whenever possible) and DD2 is always coming home covered in mud or earth or crusted on bits of lunch... I'm a bit of a clean freak but I've had to let that go too.

The main thing is that both girls have been really happy at their creches and never cried or got upset at being left there. I think that counts for a lot.

NinkyNonker Fri 21-Oct-11 07:40:29

Yes of course. But equally people pay for childcare, it isn't an altruistic act so understandably they do want to have some say. The dummy thing would piss me off if I had made the concious decision not to use one, especially if my child came back wanting one and I then had to give in or break the habit. Likewise if I chose a childminder based on her saying she didn't use Cbeebies, and only served home cooked food and then I discovered my child was sat in front of the tv with a turkey twizzler all avo I'd be rightfully pissed off.

I say all this as a SAHM to a dummy toting, cbeebies watching 15 month old!

But of course it is just common sense and moderation in all things

TheScarlettPimpernel Fri 21-Oct-11 07:45:16


It's hard to completely relinquish control of your DCs. Sometimes I think the daftly controlling behaviour comes from a place of insecurity and worry: a fear that one's not as involved as one would like to be, so a need to still have as much of a hand as possible.

But it does get to absurd levels, yeah.

MrsSchadenfreude Fri 21-Oct-11 07:53:11

Oh this thread reminds me of a pfb- little boy at DD2's nursery yonks ago. The parents had stipulated he was not to have pudding - so no chocolate sponge and custard, no fruit salad and ice cream, no yog etc etc. He used to sit there roaring at the table - really hysterical tears - while the other children tucked in. They didn't have enough staff to give him one to one care in the other room while the others ate their pudding, and he wouldn't be distracted with toys/books etc.

Mishy1234 Fri 21-Oct-11 07:53:27

You are right OP, you can't have complete control.

However, there are things for me which are simply non negotiable. No dummies and no TV. This is one of the reasons why I chose a nursery as I know they don't have a TV!

Food I'm a bit more flexible on. I know the diet at nursery is very good, but on the day my MIL has the boys I have to accept they may get a few more 'treats' than usual. Sleep routines also have to change a bit. They let DS2 sleep for 3 hours until just after 3 the other day, which I wouldn't have necessarily done at home. He was later to bed than usual, but that was just one of those things.

Whatmeworry Fri 21-Oct-11 08:06:14

Oh this thread reminds me of a pfb- little boy at DD2's nursery yonks ago. The parents had stipulated he was not to have pudding - so no chocolate sponge and custard, no fruit salad and ice cream, no yog etc etc. He used to sit there roaring at the table - really hysterical tears - while the other children tucked in

We had something like that too, he wasn't there after a few weeks - I believe the nursery had told the parents they weren't prepared to do it anymore.

That parents could do that sort of thing stunned me, but reading the jam sandwich thread I realise there are far more of them than I thought!

cory Fri 21-Oct-11 08:10:41

I like the way Birdsgottafly put it: you ask the provider whether they can provide what you want and then you decide whether to use that particular provider. You don't tell them.

Yes, you are paying but they are deciding what service they sell. I can't march into my local shop and dictate that they are to start selling a totally different type of food. If enough customers want it they might consider it, but then again they might decide it's too much trouble.

Tanith Fri 21-Oct-11 08:13:57

Now that does make me smile, Mishy! I've just taken on a child from the best nursery in town (just didn't suit him) and his mum was surprised that I didn't have the tv on when she picked him up because they always did smile

I've had my fair share of micro-managing mums, I must admit. Those that have been really difficult have been the ones who interrogate their little ones when they arrive "And what did you do today? ...and before that? ...what about this morning?...and what was for dinner? ...haven't you done painting today?"
It's really pointless: the kids more often than not can't remember because under 5s live in the present, and very often they make it up, like the child who told mum he had spaghetti every day because he liked the sound of it!

One tired little girl had had enough of it all one day and snarled "Read the notes!" and refused to say another word grin

ballstoit Fri 21-Oct-11 08:23:28

YANBU...a CM friend has told me some really eye opening stories about the level of control some parents expect. One mother didn't want her child to ever go outside in the rain, but knew that my friend also minded 2 children who had to be collected from school confused

I can't help thinking that if you don't trust CM/nursery/grandparents to make day to day decisions, you shouldn't be leaving your DC with them anyway.

ballstoit Fri 21-Oct-11 08:24:50

Tanith 'Read the notes!' made me grin

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