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AIBU re: MIL????? (Sorry will try not to be horrible!) oh & v long! sorry.

(21 Posts)
MarmiteMummy26 Tue 18-Oct-11 21:46:49

so long story as short as it can be:

my and DH had a fight on sunday over stupidly enough walking the dog. I asked him if he was going to as I do it all week and most weekends and look after DS 24/7 and he said no. I said if he wasn't going to help out and take care of the dog he wanted i would find him a home that could give him the love and attention he deserves. anyway decends into basically I never do anything i dont want to do but he has to (his words!) and that he never has any free time from work, he does work really long hours and i dont expect help in the week but if he's not working at the weekend i think he could give me a break and do it.

this went on into how we had been up to his parents the day before and he had no free time that wkend..... So MIL and i have some history i.e she had major histronics over our wedding wanting to invite 150 people and moaning when we could only let her have 115 (only had 200 people in total so me, DH and my parents split the rest) saying she woulddn't come so that one of her friends could come in her place, buying an outift in white and black when she knew my wedding dress was white and black, hating the colour scheme loudly (pink/black/white) I could go on for hours.........

He accused me of hating his mum which could be partly true as she winds me up to the point of despair. Since DS has arrived 6 months ago its got worse constantly refering to him as her baby, getting jealous over time being spent with him, wanting to be around 24/7 moaning at my DH on the day of our sons birth because my mum came to the birth at my request and she wasn't invited (not a spectators sport people!) again could go on but wont.

Now the thing is I am quite hurt by this. sometimes me and his mum get on really well she phones me at least once a day and I rarely say they cant come over, have arranged to spent baby's first Xmas at her house so she wont feel left out and try to treat her the same as my mum (infact she probably gets a better deal). He said I wasn't allowed to bitch moan to my mum about her if she upsets me and that generally I wasn't giving her a chance. I am grateful for the fact that she is generous to a T and freely admit she loves DS as much as humanly possible but I cant help it if I some things wind me up! who am I supposed to talk to? should I keep swallowing my feelings or start telling her she is winding me up instead?

Its normally stupid things like she told me if I ever have another baby I should name if after FIL as otherwise he will "cry". DS1 has DH's grandads name and my fathers as middle name - not my choice but DH wanted it. I dont like naming baby's after people as think they are their own people and should have their own names so told her that it wouldn't happen and she sulked!

I dont know what to do? AIBU? think this has turned into a rant mostly but AIBU to vent at my mum so that I dont say something I regret or upset the PIL's or should I start being honest about things? please help! p.s congrats if u made it to the end!

troisgarcons Tue 18-Oct-11 21:49:09

Is this about dog walking or baby naming?

Byeckersiambloodyscarylike Tue 18-Oct-11 21:50:45

Are you me?! grin

What was the question?

MarmiteMummy26 Tue 18-Oct-11 21:51:38

its about everything! he thinks I dont give his mum a chance and basically am being a cow and I think his mum is 95% nightmare and just try to keep my mouth shut. who's right?

CharleyBucket Tue 18-Oct-11 21:53:40

Dont let it get to the point where you explode! Thats not good for anyone!!! Try and talk it out with mil and dh!

Angel786 Tue 18-Oct-11 21:55:57

Yanbu. Have a troublesome mil myself. Best to keep your distance as it sounds like she's pissed u off so much, anything she does will irritate u. Sorry for txt spk but am lazy and on iPad so a pain to type.

And name your kids what you want.

Sounds like a typical Indian mil to me blush.

MarmiteMummy26 Tue 18-Oct-11 21:56:02

the problem is she cries alot if questioned about anything. has been known to fake epileptic fits and I really dont want a scene caused with my DS' GP's!

Byeckersiambloodyscarylike Tue 18-Oct-11 21:56:22

You have to pick your battles, you cant constantly bring every single thng up even if you want to

But be assertive, if something she does is out of order, by that i mean seriously affects your ds' upbringing or undermines you or dh then say something.
Otherwise roll your eyes and move on. I have had to get to grips with this exact thing, the trouble is, i am utterly crap at being assertive and struggle to disagree with people, i am currently beating myself up about something which i cant decide if i am being unreasonable about. Usually its eyerolling all the way with me!

MarmiteMummy26 Tue 18-Oct-11 21:57:44

problem shared byeckersiambloodyscarylike! feel free to high jack as always like to hear other's worries make me feel better about my own! x

CharleyBucket Tue 18-Oct-11 21:59:01

Then i agree with Angel, keep your distance.
If she moans about that then tell her politely (if poss) that if you dont you will have a major fall out, and at leasr this way you can be civil when you do have to see her!

eslteacher Tue 18-Oct-11 22:02:35

Your MIL sounds very, very similar to the MIL of my best friend...eerily so, but a few details convince me you can't be her!

It's obvious that your MIL is the one BU here, not you. Maybe she has a touch of martyr syndrome, which probably makes her even more difficult to deal with as she's convinced herself that she's putting everyone else before herself, whereas in reality that's just a twisted version of reality, not the actual one.

You sound like a saint for putting her up with daily phonecalls and this level of interference and still being able to get on with her!

But at the same time...it's not like she's abusive, or a really horrible, spiteful person from what you've said. Maybe just cares too much, and is unable to see things from other's point of view?

So in terms of whether you should try to take a stand or just eat it up and muddle along as best you can without offending her..I'm inclined to say the latter, unfair as it is. At this stage at her life, she's unlikely to change. And she will always be your DH's mother, and (unless she suddenly becomes a hell of a lot worse than currently) he will always love her and want her to be part of his life. And your DC is her flesh and blood. I think if you try to take a stand against her and get her to see the light of her unreasonable ways, it will end up being a lot more painful for all involved and probably get nowhere. Better to take the path of least resistance IMO - of course that doesn't mean actually agreeing to all her crazy emotional blackmailing though. Just try to keep her reasonably satisfied without alienating her completely, while calmly doing as much as possible of what you think best as a wife and mother.

Other opinions may vary of course... the above is just what I would do, and the best thing based on my experience. But it's clearly not a cut and dry issue.

AmorYCohetes Tue 18-Oct-11 22:04:15

Faking illness to get her own way/punish people is a sign tht she goes beyond merely irksome, it is a toxic controlling thing to do. I woyld keep my distance tbh, it sounds like nothing is ever enough, so i would set boundaries that suited me, and stick to them.

MarginallyNarkyPuffin Tue 18-Oct-11 22:10:28

Vent to your hearts content - better to let off steam than let it build up.

Don't let him hear you vent or find out from the people you vent to.

Don't let him easel out of walking a dog he wanted. If he chose to have a dog, walking it is his free time.

diddl Tue 18-Oct-11 22:10:34

How would your husband find out if you say anything to your mum?

MarginallyNarkyPuffin Tue 18-Oct-11 22:11:01

Weasel. Don't let him avoid it by buying art supplies either.

mumofthreekids Tue 18-Oct-11 22:11:34

My MIL drives me mad - yours sounds much worse.

I used to moan about my MIL, my DH would get defensive and we would have an argument. Now I don't moan (to him anyway...!), with the result that when she does something particularly annoying he moans about her, at which point I allow myself to agree.

So my advice is YES to swallowing your feelings when speaking to your DH - I know it's hard but it has really worked for me. Now we are united against her rather than split down the middle.

MarmiteMummy26 Tue 18-Oct-11 22:18:22

he has overheard me in the past saying things... I think i have to keep swallowing my voice but its so hard! sometimes want to strangle the pair of them! thanks everyone you basically have told me wat I always knew. for the sake of the DS bite the bullet and try to breathe wen she starts up! x

mynewpassion Tue 18-Oct-11 22:20:42

You don't rant about his mother to your mother in front of him, do you? If you do, have a bit of respect, do it when he's at work or something. You wouldn't want him to badmouth your mother to his mother in front of you, do you?

Onto your bigger problem which isn't the dog walking but relaxation time. He works long hours, you work long hours with housework and child care. You both need a bit of break.

You think that his break should be chores on the weekend since he's no longer working. He should be doing his share just as you should do your share on the weekends. However, I think that both of you deserve some "me or couple times" too.

Both of your mothers are very supportive. Why don't you let one of them have the DC for a few hours on Saturday night or every other Saturday so you guys can have a bit of rest from work, chores/baby care?

MarmiteMummy26 Tue 18-Oct-11 22:24:15

cant let MIL in have baby due to fits etc as I dont think its very safe and they live in centre of big city so bout 45 min drive for us not really feasible. i dont really know myself who i am more pissed off with him for being a typical man and only wanting to do the fun jobs or MIL for always seeming to be at the brunt of any arguements!
think im mostly pissed off at myself for not growing a back bone and dealing with it earlier!!

Marymaryalittlecontrary Tue 18-Oct-11 22:27:14

I really like my mother in law and sister in law, but they are both really dippy and sometimes do/say things that I just think 'I can't believe you just did/said that!' So I sometimes enjoy having a good gossip about them to my mum. However, I do it when my husband is at work, or when I am upstairs with the doors closed so he can't hear me! Actually he pretty much agrees with me that sometimes they are a bit daft (in fact I often find myself defending them to him) but they are his family and I know he wouldn't want to hear me discussing them with my mum.

So, feel free to unload on your mother - just make sure he's out when you do it!

mynewpassion Tue 18-Oct-11 22:55:02

Look, my sister's MIL is the same as your but more snobby and don't do the fake illness. They can be a bit manipulative. My sister vents to us and our mom all the time, just never in front of her DH. He knows his parents are precious first grandparents. If she has a big concern, she brings up to DH and then he brings it up to his parents. The family name issue came up and they compromised. They chose the first name and the ILs chose the middle names. They only call the DCs by their middle names so its special. eye roll.

However, what they do for my sister and DH outweighs anything annoying they say or do because they know that the ILs would do anything for their DCs: childcare in the daytime (they work second shift), take them fishing, etc. They don't spoil the DCs with gifts but too much love. To her, that is the most important part. So she sucks it up because her kids adore them and the ILs adore them. You can't buy that type of devotion.

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