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To not want my mum to visit?

(20 Posts)
googietheegg Mon 17-Oct-11 17:37:37

I live in France, my mum's in England and I'm 9 weeks PG with number one after having a miscarriage earlier in the year. My mum was no support whatsoever (didn't phone me for 10 days when I was taking the pills and then having to go into hospital) despite saying she'd 'be there for me 100%'.

We have a funny relationship generally but she thinks we are great pals and that she is a great source of general comfort and support to me, which couldn't be further from the truth for many years now.

Yesterday she called to say she'd booked flights to come and see me for a visit (she never visits hardly and we don't speak that often). I told them I was pregnant again and that I'm doing everything to be relaxed. DH and I also work from home and are renovating our house. She is coming the day after the 12 week scan.

The bottom line is, if all's well at 12 weeks I want to just celebrate with my husband as it's been a rocky road getting here, and if all is not well I don't want her here thinking she's 'supportive' when actually she'll be all 'oh don't mind me, I'm really easy going...' but then is histrionic, high maintenance and generally a pain in the arse, whilst going on about how much she needs a break.

Long story short...AIBU for saying 'don't come'? BTW she does not take hints at all. On the phone I said 'maybe this is not the best time' about 3 times. I need to be blunt, even though that makes her hysterical.

slavetofilofax Mon 17-Oct-11 17:42:38

Yanbu. Do what you feel is best for you, and if that means being blunt, then so be it. You are pregnant, you won't get much chance to put you first for a while.

skybluepearl Mon 17-Oct-11 17:44:23

Just ask her directly change her dates. More notice the better. Explain that you don't find her very supportive and would rather not have anyone to think about/look after if the news is bad.

Angel786 Mon 17-Oct-11 17:51:48

I'd say lovely idea but wevalready booked a holiday them so let's reschedule?

eaglewings Mon 17-Oct-11 18:00:47

Are you my sister!

You will have to have her to stay at some point as you need to lay down the law about the days after the birth of your baby.

Can she stay at b&b?

As for all her comments, I've learned with my mum to think which ones I'm going to challenge and which to let go and not let bother me anymore.

Congratulations on your good news

FetchezLaVampire Mon 17-Oct-11 18:03:54

Bit much to book her flights without first checking that those dates were actually convenient! YANBU.

Shushshessleeping Mon 17-Oct-11 18:05:43

I think the holiday excuse is a good idea, you may even have to book one (you know just in case she checks ;) )

I never understand why people assume you live to wait for their visits! Its so rude! We always get people saying "oh we're coming this weekend..." and we have to say well you're welcome to, but we won't be here..!

Hope you resolve this

CailinDana Mon 17-Oct-11 18:06:14

How rude of her not to ask before planning a visit! If it sounds plausible could you say you've just been landed with a huge amount of work that'll take weeks to complete and you won't have time to have her over? And then make a point of saying that she needs to check in future before booking anything. This is an important time for you and you don't need to share it with her if you don't want to.

googietheegg Mon 17-Oct-11 18:15:03

Thanks for the great advice - my first AIBU too!

I think it's pretty rude to just book it too, especially as DH and I work from home and she's expecting to stay here (she would be hugely offended if I suggested a hotel, even though money is not an issue for her), but she made a little bitchy comment on the phone that 'I thought I'd just book it as I know you get annoyed with me saying I'll visit and then not coming'

That's a different issue though mum!! Ever since we've lived here she'll say 'I'm going to come and see you' or 'I really miss you I'm going to book a visit' but she never takes it any further than that (she can't use a computer so sees booking ryanair as the work of magic).

googietheegg Mon 17-Oct-11 18:19:10

Also, she thinks that because DH's brother and mum have stayed here she should be able to, but they are no trouble, aren't expecting anything of me, and don't make a big deal about fucking everything. They can also go off and have a coffee or whatever by themselves if we're working, but my mum would think she's 'no trouble' while being a real hassle all the time.

I know she'll say she'll come and do our washing or clean the house, but a)I'd rather do it myself, DH do it or it not be done, b) she'll milk how helpful she's being and c)she would in reality sit on the sofa reading, 'popping in' to my office when I'm working and wanting cups of tea while thinking she was being 'no trouble'.

TadlowDogIncident Mon 17-Oct-11 18:29:00

YANBU, she's being very rude. Tell her you're away the dates she's booked, if you can't face having a conversation about how unhelpful / unsupportive she is.

Avenged Mon 17-Oct-11 19:12:01

Tell her she can't stay with you as you'll be away visiting friends for a short while and relaxing and she'll have to come over another time.

If she gets grumpy about it then let her get on with it. This is your time to relax and not get stressed out and it sounds like you'll be pretty stressed out with her being there.

BTW, whenever your mum is visiting, why can't she get her own cuppa? Or does she expect you to run around after her?

Inertia Mon 17-Oct-11 19:28:10

Tell her you are both working the days she has booked and hence will be unavailable -ie do not disturb- between 8 am and 6 pm.

ZombiePlan Mon 17-Oct-11 20:02:53

You need to nip this in the bud now - unless you want her to think it's perfectly ok to just book flights without bothering to check with you first... and I can promise you that however annoying it is now, it will be that x100 when you have a small baby in the mix

FabbyChic Mon 17-Oct-11 20:05:32

Tell her its not convenient that a big project has cropped up and you will be too busy to entertain.

TBH you shouldn't tell anyone about your pregnancy until you are past the 12 week mark.

I told people at 5 weeks and lost it at 13 weeks.

You don't need the stress of her coming so find an excuse so she can't.

whackamole Mon 17-Oct-11 20:48:42

YANBU, but be prepared for her to be upset.

My dad said he would 'come and stay' (no end date in mind!) from this week as I will be 40 weeks on Saturday. I told him I'd rather he didn't it's not convenient and he got all stroppy with me. I appreciate he would be there to take me to the hospital, but it's hard work having another person in the house, especially someone like my dad who does nothing and offers nothing!

googietheegg Tue 18-Oct-11 13:20:51

thanks for all the great advice, I am now going to brave the confrontation!

Fabby, I do appreciate your opinion but having lost a baby earlier this year I don't need a reminder of what can happen.

blondie80 Tue 18-Oct-11 13:48:06

congratulations on your news!

i sometimes find it hard to comment on these threads because i am very close to my mum and can't imagine not having or wanting her around, just wondering that you mentioned her not being supportive before when you wanted her to and now she's coming to visit you don't want her too?

googietheegg Tue 18-Oct-11 16:43:46

Being supportive doesn't mean wailing and making everything about her, or making bitchy digs at me then claiming we're so close and she's there for me, or not calling for 10 days when I had to go into hospital after loosing a baby. The bottom line is I'd love her to visit if she wasn't like that, if she was actually supportive, or at least not saying one thing and doing another.

colken Tue 18-Oct-11 18:36:28

Yes, as a poster has said, you could say that she would be welcome but that you and your husband/partner would be working at home on a project and you would not be available between certain times. Go into your office, close the door and put a Do Not Disturb notice on it. Even lock the door if you think she will just walk in anyway. If she makes a fuss at not being allowed in, you will be able to tell her that she was warned.

Or just ask her to book a flight for a different time of pregnancy because you are too 'fragile' to receive company.

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