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To set this woman right?

(188 Posts)
OnlyWantsOne Sun 16-Oct-11 22:23:17

Dd1 birthday party (she's now 5)

Invited all our family and few friends from school - tea and cake, nothing too major - was really lovely.

Dd1 crying in garden , dp goes out to see what's wrong, one of her friends had said "that man (DP) isn't your REAL daddy"

Dd1 really upset, DP is effectively her step father yes, but dd1 has only just in last yea started having contact with her biological father, she sees him everyother week. Dd1 calls her biological father by his first name but knows who he is, knows she has "two" families and we keep it all light and relaxed and she seems quite happy - but sees DP who has been bringin her up since she was 1 as her daddy. (x excepts this and doesn't mind)

I felt really cross, DP is quite upset - bassically this little girl kept telling my DD everytime she said daddy, "that's not your daddy"

When her parents came to collect her I hid (was too upset to be honest, made myself busy with party bags)

Have sent her a message saying was shocked and disappointed that she had been gossiping and discussing a very sensitive grown up issue infront of her daughter and was saddened that it had been repeated to my daughter, asked her to explain to her daughter that DP is dd1's daddy and that's the end of it. Thanked her for coming and for present etc. Was iBu to say any thing?

worraliberty Sun 16-Oct-11 22:25:32

Do you know for sure that the little girl found out from her Mum?

gigglepin Sun 16-Oct-11 22:26:43

I think that you did the right thing.

Similar incident but my niece (ages 5) told my ds (when he was 4) that" my mummy doesnt like you and doesnt want you coming to our house".
My ds was really upset. dont know how i didn rip my sisters head off tbh

A1980 Sun 16-Oct-11 22:27:03

YANBU to say somethnig to the child's mother. Her DD needs to know it is unacceptable to say things like that and her mother needs to know it is unacceptable to have told her DD anything at all as she is far too young to understand these matters.

How well did you know this woman however? I wouldn't have told her anything if she was just a school friends mum.

Dawndonna Sun 16-Oct-11 22:27:26

No, I don't think you are. I think it's cruel and none of her damn business.
I say this as I'm married to a man who is not the father of ds1, but whom ds1 has always regarded as a father, and who, at 27, still refers to him as Dad.
We had this, and we have had the 'well you're not their real brother' too. As he got older he just told people to piss off, but yes he got distressed when he was younger. I do wish other people would mind their own bloody business.
You did the right thing and hopefully she'll think twice before gossiping further.
I hope your dd is feeling better soon.

squeakytoy Sun 16-Oct-11 22:27:45

How do you know that is what has happened?

A 5yo is capable of discussing with their friends that they have "two daddys" on a very basic level.

Little children are also very good at earwigging when the adults do not know about it too..

OnlyWantsOne Sun 16-Oct-11 22:28:35

Yes I do because I asked the girl to stop saying it and asked her why she thought that , she came out with "well my mummy said...blah blah blah"

I then asked her to stop talking about it and to say sorry to DD as she had upset her.

zest01 Sun 16-Oct-11 22:30:40

YABU to have sent a text message such as that without first checking the facts - her LO may have heard it from another LO for example.

My DH is not my eldests father and this was confusing for a couple of his friends but when it was discussd I calmly spoke to the parents, explained questions had been asked and what we had said in response. It's not exactly the same thing but imo issues such as this are best discussed calmly face to face. Text message was totally inappropriate.

Uppity Sun 16-Oct-11 22:30:53

Well, if you know for sure that the girls' parents have been gossiping in front of her, then no YANBU.

But if you don't know that for sure and the girl may have picked up her notions from other children, then yes you are.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom Sun 16-Oct-11 22:32:19

I once had to deal when pfb's reception class teacher told him "your mummy won't have any baby pictures of you because you're adopted" and I just about managed not to rip her head off and shit down her neck (as they say round here confused ) he is my son, but my then DH adopted him shortly after no2 son was born. Maybe if you can explain to your DD that she has a Daddy and a Father? that worked for us then and pfb was about the same age. I think you've been really restrained and self controlled with your response to this woman, I doubt I could have been as graceful under extreme provocation as you have.

worraliberty Sun 16-Oct-11 22:32:46

Well just as Squeaky said, kids are often good at earwigging so I wouldn't be too harsh on the Mum.

Also, she might have had no problem whatsoever in saying it in front of her DD or even too her DD since it's such a common thing.

However, YABU to ask her to have a word with her DD about how she treated your daughter.

Gigondas Sun 16-Oct-11 22:34:00

Good for you- I have very similar family background (my "dad" is stepdad, had no real contact with biological father from age 2). I on,y wish my mum had been so forthright with the playground chat.

Yes kids can understand / do ear wig quite delicate family issues and I domt advocate not discussing them as a family. What isn't on is this kind of half garbled kids version of rumours- and given age of child it is really mother who boils know better than to discuss it In front of children who may well repeat it.

worraliberty Sun 16-Oct-11 22:34:16

And if I'm going to put a word in italics...I really should spell it properly blush

OnlyWantsOne Sun 16-Oct-11 22:36:07

Wouldn't have been picked up on from other kids here. Was 1st time this child had been here, happened within 5 mins of getting dropped off and we don't all talk about x openly after long and horrific court battle etc my family know I don't really appreciate mentioning him, especially infront of DD.

She replied to me saying that she had told her DD that Dp isn't DD1s dad and that he lives some where else and has his own family. I can't fathom why the fuck she thinks it's ok to tell her child any thing about it?

Rollon2012 Sun 16-Oct-11 22:37:07

Aw thats awful OP hope your DD okay now,

I had a few incidents like that
whilst my parents were going through a very dragged/messy seperation I thought I knew the full story
until my much younger cousin (11 yrs) told me whilst her friend was there all this stuff about my parents affairs etc
I didn't know this but her parents had told her sad very humiliating.

worraliberty Sun 16-Oct-11 22:37:09

and given age of child it is really mother who boils know better than to discuss it In front of children who may well repeat it

But it's not a dirty little secret is it?

She's jut one of millions of children with a Step Dad

OP, as your DD already knows the situation and you've obviously told others of the situation...I don't think this lady telling her DD or discussing it in front of her was a bad thing to do (depending on how the convo went)

I'm sure she'll be mortified when she realises what her DD's behaviour was like but I don't really think you can blame the Mum.

OnlyWantsOne Sun 16-Oct-11 22:39:26

Why am IBU to ask her to explain things properly to her daughter?

How will DD feel if this child continues to tell people this at school, in the play ground etc?!? it's a very sensitive issue, yes it may be common now but it still unsettles my daughter and my whole family.

OnlyWantsOne Sun 16-Oct-11 22:40:49

Worraliberty - when my daughter asked DP for a drink and called him DADDY, this child repeatedly said, "no, thats not your daddy"

Cathycomehome Sun 16-Oct-11 22:41:14

I disagree with worraliberty. OP CAN blame the mum as the little girl said this so quickly on arrival, said "my mum says", and (naturally, I guess, for a little kid) wouldn't let it drop.

Sorry for you OP, and I too would've said something, but probably by phone rather than text.

OnlyWantsOne Sun 16-Oct-11 22:41:59

And actually, it's not common knowledge outside of the family, this mother knows a few details - not everything

MrsS1980 Sun 16-Oct-11 22:44:07

Mums gossip - very sadly we just have to accept it. Much sympathy for your poor lo.
Pombear - that is a disgrace, I really hope you reported that teacher!

TheBestWitch Sun 16-Oct-11 22:44:49

I don't think the mum has necessarily done anything wrong. If I referred to one of dd's friends step parents she would probably ask what a step parent was and I would be honest. Obviously it's not on that her dd is upsetting your dd by bringing it up all the time and that needs addressing but did the mum know it was a secret and that she shouldn't have told her daughter?

Floggingmolly Sun 16-Oct-11 22:45:18

You are not being unreasonable to give the other mum a heads up to teach her child some manners. Doesn't sound like she'll listen, sadly.

A1980 Sun 16-Oct-11 22:46:04

I would have told her her mother shouldn't have told her that. Then I would have said I would get her mother to come and pick her up right now if she didn't stop being so rude.

What a bitch her mother is.

OnlyWantsOne Sun 16-Oct-11 22:46:57

Thebestwitch - DP is called daddy, we don't use the term step dad - and yes, this woman is aware of that.

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