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To be fed up with my dp for refusing to take paternity leave for financial reasons?

(56 Posts)
Heavensmells Sun 16-Oct-11 17:36:12

DS2 due at end of November, dp has 6 days holiday leave left and says he will use those instead of taking pat leave then we won't lose any money.
Was really looking forward to him taking 2 wks off as really enjoyed this time with ds1. Had PND when I had DD 10 yrs ago, he went back to work on a night shift within 3 hrs of us bringing her home and whilst I'm sure PND wasn't caused by this I don't think it helped.
I have been expecting him to use his 6 days leave and take 1 wk pat leave but he thinks that we will lose too much money in Xmas wage. AIBU to think sod the money we'll manage or should I just stop being a mardy arse and just get on with it?

slavetofilofax Sun 16-Oct-11 17:40:22

I think it depends on your financial situation tbh.

You need to ask yourself if you can really afford it, especially so close to Christmas when he might have time off.

If you can afford it, I mean properly afford it then yanbu, if you can't afford it, then yabu.

Your dh is probably just worrying about finances more than you are, and may be feeling the pressure to provide for your growing family. Or he might be under pressure at work to not take too much time off at that time of year. Don't be too hard on him.

workshy Sun 16-Oct-11 17:41:25

he doesn't have to take it straight away

why not use his 6 days holiday when the baby is born, then take 2 weeks in January post Christmas so not losing wages in december, but he will be there when the endless round of visitors have gone?

whackamole Sun 16-Oct-11 17:42:21

I think he's being a bit silly unless the difference in wage will be massive.

My OH is taking the full 2 weeks but he only earns about thruppence an hour so it won't make a massive difference anyway!

lalanamechanged Sun 16-Oct-11 17:42:23

You don't have to take paternity leave when the baby is born, can he do 6 days when the baby comes, and the week further down the line e.g. at one month?

I see his point about the xmas wages.

pozzled Sun 16-Oct-11 17:44:20

Without knowing your financial circumstances it's impossible to say. It does sound like you have slightly different priorities though. I'd suggest you tell him how important it is to you that you have him around- and then go through the figures together to see whether it's possible.

troisgarcons Sun 16-Oct-11 17:50:48

Depends on your financial situation.

What would you prefer, a roof over your head and food in your childrens belly, or repossession/eviction and hungry children?

Heavensmells Sun 16-Oct-11 17:51:17

Thanks all for fast replies smile
He is paid about £600 a wk before tax. I have said that I can prob. Squirrel away around £200 before then if we cut back a bit and I've said that I will buy a little toward the big Xmas food shop every week so it won't be as expensive as usual but he not budging! Just not sure if my 33 wk preg hormones are making me go ott that's all!

diddl Sun 16-Oct-11 17:52:26

But he´s having 6days off-not as if he´s taking no time off at all.

I think that the paternity leave another time sounds great.

saffron Sun 16-Oct-11 17:54:28

My kids are 17 and 12 so I don't know the law.
When is the cut of point after the baby is born for taking the paternity leave. Do you have to take it straight away or do you get a few weeks grace? (sorry that was worded awfully)

trixymalixy Sun 16-Oct-11 17:54:33

If it was us I would say sod the money too and have DH at home. It's hard to know whether YANBU as we don't know what your financial situation is.

SheCutOffTheirTails Sun 16-Oct-11 18:02:04

Without knowing your financial situation it's hard to say, but I incline towards YABU.

Losing half a months salary when you have a new mouth to feed doesn't seem like the wisest choice.

I can see why he is concerned about finances and not keen to take what is effective unpaid leave.

This is your second baby, so you won't really need that much support.

nomoreheels Sun 16-Oct-11 18:03:22

6 days with a newborn is not much time at all. If you can manage financially, then having him there to support you is more important.

AuntiePickleBottom Sun 16-Oct-11 18:12:42

Does he get a chunk of time off around Christmas, my dh works shuts down for 2 weeks.

diddl Sun 16-Oct-11 18:12:56

"6 days with a newborn is not much time at all".

Well some of us managed!

And no matter how long the husband has off, you have to be on your own with both children at some point!

OP, is it that you think you´ll need help for longer?

Heavensmells Sun 16-Oct-11 18:15:49

I think he has up to 56 days to take paternity leave.
He will be having some time off at Xmas too. DD is 10 and ds1 is 5 yrs old and will both be at school so not like I have baby and toddler to look after. I just hope he has enough time to bond with baby properly, I think that first couple of weeks are important.

AuntiePickleBottom Sun 16-Oct-11 18:16:28

The 10 year old could help for some extra pocket money

£350 per week is alot of money to lose

Trills Sun 16-Oct-11 18:16:56

YA quite possibly BU - but it depends if you can afford to lose the money. Your talk of squirrelling away £200 sounds as if losing most of 2 weeks' pay would make a difference to you.

AuntiePickleBottom Sun 16-Oct-11 18:20:16

He will bond, you don't need to be with a baby 24/7 to bond.

When he comes home from work he cold spend that time bonding

diddl Sun 16-Oct-11 18:26:32

Why would he need 2wks to bond?

My PFB was pre 30weeks & we couldn´t cuddle him the the first couple of days-just hold his hand/stroke him in the incubator.

Husband had the first 2 days off & then came every night after work & had a week off when PFB came home.

There was certainly no lack of bonding.

And with second I´m not sure he had a full week off-but they definitely bonded!

FabbyChic Sun 16-Oct-11 18:29:36

Years ago men did not get partnernity leave, what do you think single parents do they have no one.

Six days is plenty coupled with four on the weekend.

It is after all only four days short of two weeks in working days.

TheGhostOfMrsWembley Sun 16-Oct-11 18:29:58

My DP Is a contractor so the paternity thing doesn't apply to him - if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid. He took the next day off then a couple of days the following week. That was it both times. Both DGMs were around so I wasn't completely alone but really, I coped.smile

Knowing that he felt he was pulling his weight, earning 'nappy money', made him feel he was doing his bit, whilst I was doing my bit at home. It would have been lovely to have had the two weeks, but it was more important to us than having him around feeling like a spare cog whilst I had baby to breast 18/24 hrs a day for the first few weeks. He's had time off since, a day here and there, and that has been better as he's actually got to see and bond with the DCs then.

Cut him some slack and see what his plans are for after Christmas.

Birdsgottafly Sun 16-Oct-11 18:32:27

He will still bond with the baby whether he has time off or not. If this was essential then no father pre paternity leave (or in other countries without PL)would have bonded, let alone those serving in any of the forces/navy ect.

I would go through your finances and then see what his overall plan is, it may well work out better to take time off when you are being hit by tiredness. I always found the first few days the easiest.

Heavensmells Sun 16-Oct-11 18:33:59

Thank you Fabby for pointing out the bloody obvious!

Northernlurker Sun 16-Oct-11 18:34:06

1 weeks money is a lot to be without. He's taking 6 days. I think you need to stop grumping and make the best of that. My dh had practically no time off with dd1 as he was paid per day then so we couldn't afford it. With dd2 I think he had 4 days plus the day she was born - a Monday and with dd3 it was a week. You manage.

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