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To Think that 11 year olds party was totally unacceptable?

(67 Posts)
LittleJennyRobyn Sun 16-Oct-11 11:25:06

My DD and her best friend were invited to a Birthday party of another friend who lives just up the road on friday evening.
Party also involved a sleepover for both girls and another school friend of party girl. so 4 in total.
DD is 8 and Best friend is 9. Party girl just turned 11.
There were 10 children there in total, (boys and girls) the oldest boy being 12 Who is in senior school the rest still in primary/junior school. DD being the youngest.

I was a bit shock on finding out at what had gone on at the party.
Early on the girls mum had arranged karaoke for the girls but locked the boys in the back garden and wouldn't let them in!! They had to climb over the wall and knock on the front door to get back in hmm

Then after a short while she went out leaving 10 kids in the care of party girls brother, He is 13.
Basically the kids started to run riot mainly instigated by the boys, food and drink was thrown all over the house, DD slipped on the wet wooden floor and banged her head!! In which the others just laughed at her.

The boys apparently were rampaging through the house including the bedrooms. they took all my DDs things from her overnight bag and absolutely destroyed her slippers (which i had just bought) they came back ripped and the ribbons and pom poms pulled off.
The mum did not return until the party ended at 8.30 just in time for other kids to be picked up.

As soon as party was over Sleepover girls were sent to sleep, (in living room)
But after 10 mins or so got told off for chatting so sent the two oldest girls up to the bedroom and left DD and best friend in the living room. DD was on the sofa and BF was on the floor. I then find out that neither DD or BF had been giving pillows or blankets as party mum did not have any spare. The older two had quilts and pillows. They each had one of those really small decorative cushions that aren't really cushions as such.

BF complained that she was cold so party girl gave her a towel from the bathroom but had been used and was still wet. In the end they both had to use thier dressing gowns to try and keep warm. I must add that friday night was bitterly cold here and we woke up to the cars being frozen up on saturday.
Then to top it all off Party mum went out at appox 9 am and didn't return until 1.30pm leaving the girls to fend for themselves. I'd seen that the car wasn't in the drive when i passed at 9, but assumed that mums boyfriend was there, but no.. they'd both gone shopping!
The Girls weren't given any breakfast so were starving when they came home at 1.30pm
Needless to say both DD and BF didnt get much sleep and i am fucking annoyed at the whole bloody thing.

Now they should never ever have been left unnatended, anything could have happened and also i dont really understand if she didn't have enough bedding then why did she not request they bring thier own or even send the girls back to get it. instead of leaving them without
Now i honestly didn't give this a thought as with previous Sleepovers with any of the DC's, Parents will tell them if they need to bring, sleeping bags pillows etc. And as no requests were made assumed they didn't need it.

If i had have known of the situation would have collected both girls there and then.
Sometimes DD can stretch the truth but both her and BF told me exactly the same so i know this is what happened.

AIBU to say something to party girls mum? I have never actually spoken to her before although i have tried to strike up a conversation before but was totally blanked....she is a bit stuck up.

I let DD go as she and the party girl are quite good friends and she has spent quite a bit of time over at thier house

I'm not sure that it would achieve anything to say something TBH but i am so fucking annoyed at this woman, or do i just stop DD from going to thier house in future?
Although i have no issues with DD still being friends with party girl, not sure i feel comfortable with her going to the house....bearing in mind DD is only 8.

DawnOfTheDeementedDead Sun 16-Oct-11 11:29:23

So you let your 8 year old dd stay the night at the home of someone you've never even spoken to before? Really?

FabbyChic Sun 16-Oct-11 11:30:20

Id say something, jesus that is terrible. They should never have been left, a sleepover does not involve children having to go to sleep at 8.30 thats terrible, what a god awful host the parent was.,

picnicbasketcase Sun 16-Oct-11 11:30:41

Bloody hell. Sounds like a fiasco. I certainly wouldn't let her go there again if they were left unattended, it's not acceptable at all. And shock at not being given any blankets/sleeping bags. It doesn't sound like the mum is very approachable though - I would leave it alone unless she asks you if your DD had a nice time or whatever.

Birdsgottafly Sun 16-Oct-11 11:30:54

I would have a word but stick to what really bothers you.

Tbh, you shouldn't have let her stay there without checking things out or telling her to come home/contact you, if there was anything that she was uncomfortable with. You shouldn't be letting her go regulary to anyone's house that you 'haven't really spoken to', until she is older.

Ihavewelliesbutitssunny Sun 16-Oct-11 11:31:29

I think that you shouldn't let your DD go over to the house again. You don't know the other parent(s) anway and know that you have heard about what happened at the party I think it would be better to encourage the girls to play at your home.

LittleJennyRobyn Sun 16-Oct-11 11:32:13

Yes stupidly I did. I know now that i should have spoken to the mum before hand That was my biggest downfall, This is the one and only time i ever did this

Groovee Sun 16-Oct-11 11:32:36

Why did you let your child stay the night in a house where you've never spoken to the parents? I've always ensured that I speak to the parents of the children who dd or ds is staying with or if they are with me.

Ihavewelliesbutitssunny Sun 16-Oct-11 11:33:22


Beetlegeuse Sun 16-Oct-11 11:33:51

Encourage them to hang out at yours. The girls friendship shouldnt be spoiled because the other mum is not going to look after them properly.

pigletmania Sun 16-Oct-11 11:36:24

What a ghastly situation. The mum being totally irresponsible for a number of reasons, main one, leaving the house unattended with other people's kids in the care of an older child, and not providing adequate bedding for keeping warm. If she did not have the bedding she should have stipulated that everyone should bring their duvet and pillow from home, thats what used to happen in my day. Her other behaviour sounds a bit hmm, locking the boys out whilst the girls had a karaoke shock. I personally would not have allowed my dd to go unless I had met the mum beforehand and talk to her about the sleepover, and confident that she would be responsible.

Proudnscary Sun 16-Oct-11 11:38:17

OP we all make mistakes, you made an error of judgement or, to put it more generously, took a leap of faith.
Party sounds absolutely fucking outrageous and the mother irresponsible to say the least. I'd be livid. Would I say anything? Probably not because if the mum behaves like this then she will again and won't see anything wrong with it. I would put it down to experience and would not let dd go round there again.

rainbowinthesky Sun 16-Oct-11 11:42:22

There is a big difference between an 11 year old and an 8 year old. There is no way on earth I would let my 8 year old have a sleepover party at an 11 year old's house nor would I let her even go to play at someone's house whose parents I didnt know never mind sleep over. The party is done now so there is no point in saying anything to the parent - what would you achieve? However I would take it as a lesson learnt for yourself.

LittleJennyRobyn Sun 16-Oct-11 11:42:29

DD and the party girl are both good friends she often comes here and has stayed for dinner. DD has spent time at thiers before so just assumed that they would be looked after.Very Stupid i know!!!
I have never let DD have a sleepover before without having known the parents before hand. I feel just as much to blame for this as it was my own assumptions that it would be ok, i will never ever let this happen again.

pigletmania Sun 16-Oct-11 11:43:44

Any parent who is not helpful, or dismisses your fears I would not let my child stay at their house.

diddl Sun 16-Oct-11 11:44:33

Did you know how many & what ages were going beforehand?

That would have put me off tbh-the age range.

I´m not sure if I´d say anything or not, but I wouldn´t let my daughter there again.

In fact I´d probably discourage the friendship as they probably drift apart soon.

Since it was so close, it´s a shame that your daughter didn´t just come home in the morning or phone you the night before.

pigletmania Sun 16-Oct-11 11:46:28

The numbers, ages, and the fact there were mixed sex would put me off as your dd is only 8

squeakytoy Sun 16-Oct-11 11:52:09

If it was only up the road, why on earth did your child just not come home? She should have rung you, and why did they hang around the next morning from 9am until 1.30pm.. again, they could have just come home surely?

DownbytheRiverside Sun 16-Oct-11 11:52:45

They locked the boys out?
Left a 13 year old in charge?
Let everyone who chose to run riot?
Left the children to freeze all night?
Went out the next morning and abandoned them again without breakfast?
I'd write or email the mother, setting out what my child had told me and asking her if it was true, because if it was, then I'd be turning down any future requests for the mother to be in charge of my daughter.
I'd give my DD a cheap phone to borrow when she was away from home, so that if shit happens, she can call in a rescue.
I'd let the friendship between the girls continue, with the first proviso in place.
The mother needs to know how outside the limits her behaviour was, or else how will she be made aware? What about the next lot of children under her care?

squeakytoy Sun 16-Oct-11 12:00:18

I wouldnt be too concerned about the mother going out in the morning, as all the children are old enough to be able to make themselves something for breakfast, or get dressed and go home if home is so close.. but such a wide range of age groups being left unattended in the evening is asking for trouble.

LittleJennyRobyn Sun 16-Oct-11 12:16:03

rainbow DD's friend is quite a young 11 year old, I originally thought she 9 when they became friends.
Kids here are always in and out of each other's houses as long as parents know who's house they are in..

I was originally told that it was just girls and that they were all from junior school so didn't have an issue, i think the 12 year old was invited at the last minute and he is someone we have known since we moved here....i didnt know there were going to be boys there or would have said no, but also assumed an adult would be present.....another example of my own lack of judgement. sad

As for being left in the morning......I quite often leave DD in the care of her own teenage brothers but if she has a friend here then no i wouldn't leave them as i am responsible for someone elses child. If anything should happen and i wasn't there then i wouldnt forgive myself and i always make sure kids are fed before returning home

I have been feeling really shit about this whole situation since DD came home.

Still undecided whether to say anything as i feel the mum needs to know how unhappy i am but not sure it would achieve anything.

Think i will probably just leave it TBH and stop DD going to Thier house in future....i'm not sure!!!!

FabbyChic Sun 16-Oct-11 12:19:51

Isnt a sleepover where the kids stay up till 1am talking and laughing. There were made to go to bed at 8.30 thats just atrocious.

LittleJennyRobyn Sun 16-Oct-11 12:26:01

I also asked why DD didn't come home or phone me (had written number down for her) and she said she thought she'd get into trouble if she left and was too scared to ask to use the phone as they'd been told off for talking.

I always felt she was too young for a phone but agree that she needs one for emergancys. I have a cheapy payg phone here that i will give her in future so she doesn't need to ask for permission to speak to me

Fabby Thats what i thought....i was expecting DD to be shattered as they'd been up all night giggling. She was shattered but for totally the wrong reasons (being so bloody cold)

FabbyChic Sun 16-Oct-11 12:28:38

Your poor child. She was supposed to be out having fun and had a shit time instead.

rainbowinthesky Sun 16-Oct-11 12:29:31

At 8 I wouldnt be looking to give her a phone. If you have concerns that she may need to speak to you but cant then you need to be questionning why she is in this situation in teh first place tbh. Nothing you can do now though about what has happened.

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