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My Mother...

10 replies

Coffeeisking · 15/10/2011 22:32

Dont really want advice, just to rant to someone.

I have not seen or spoken to my mother for 5 years after she cut me out when she thought i made a bad decision to keep my family together, and i then got a barage of abuse from her. I have never looked back. (Really long story, cut really short. )

Anyway, my Mother also has not spoke to my sister in 7 years, But she is only 21 and very impressionable! They meet up for the first time today (Which im not happy about, but i know there is nothing i can do but be there for my sister)

My Sister told Mother I want nothing to do with her, and apparently she 'respects' my choice! Choice?? It isnt much of a choice! In an ideal world i would love a relationship with my Mum, But its a crap world and i have a crap mother, who does nothing but ruin peoples lifes!!!

Im worried she will suck my Sister in then use her to get to me! this is making me feel so vulnerable! I 'know' in my head im strong enough to stay away, but i dont 'feel' it in my heart. How can i possibly have a relationship with someone who turns there back on their pregnant daughter and 2 year old grandson because i chose to stay with my DP after he had a drunken kiss. If she 'RESPECTED' my choice then, she would have seen it was the best choice i have ever made!

This is all going to end very badly!

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zookeeper · 15/10/2011 22:34

follow your heart and make it up with your mum. Life's too short.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/10/2011 22:40

Mothers - as you'll know, being one yourself - are protective. Plenty of mothers don't like their daughters' choice in partner... some are proved wrong, others are proved right. Obviously, there are other elements at play here besides the brief things you've said. Having been in a family where someone cut their mother out for over 40 years, claimed that it made life better but who struggled badly when the mother finally died... I'd encourage going for a civil relationship, even if it's never going to be a close one.

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HollywoodAgentForTheLivingDead · 15/10/2011 22:46

If only it were that simple zookeeper.

The stately homes threads on the relationship board are very helpful at coping with this type of person, even if you don't have contact with them.

I know exactly what you mean about her using the people around her to manipulate you, and also how difficult it is to not be close with someone you feel you could/should be.

If you're happier without her in your life you must be making the right decision for you and your family.

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WilsonFrickett · 15/10/2011 22:46

Do you want a relationship with the mother you have rather than a relationship with a mother? If its the second choice then make it up with her. But if you think that making it up with her will cause you more grief in the longer term, then don't. I think it's perfectly understandable to grieve for something you don't have, while recognising that re-establishing contact still wont give you what you want. Only you know if it will be worth it.

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Coffeeisking · 15/10/2011 22:54

Sorry dont want to drip feed, but yes there is more, My mother is suspected npd and an alcoholic. been sectioned plenty of times. She destroyed My Dad, (violence, drinking, he had to leave the army, would let us see him,and his family) also her 2nd husband, (similar) and is on her way to doing the same to her third.

Both me and my sister were each thrown out of home as teenagers, and i have been 'cut' out of her life 3 times by the time i was 22. Various other family members get late night/early morning ranty and abusive phone calls. I only ever let her doing to me once then changed my number and never let her have access to me.

I have though over and over about a relationship with her but I cant find any reason too. I have even thought about when she dies and how i would feel. I know its something i cant 2nd guess, but I know I will be sad and upset but i think I will also feel free of the hurt and worry (Sorry if that seems heartless). I may feel worse than that, But I know i have a huge family support around me to get through it, iykwim?

Reading back it still seems so brief, but in a nutshell, there is a huge amount of hurt still being felt by a lot of people, caused by her.

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Coffeeisking · 15/10/2011 22:56

I will also add, I have the most amazing step mum who is my 'MUM'

that helps

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HollywoodAgentForTheLivingDead · 15/10/2011 23:00

I've just started very limited contact with my mum after three years, (just so the DC can see her really) but I also wondered what would happen if she died when we had no contact.

I was more upset at the lack of emotion I felt tbh.

It's difficult whatever you do.

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aldiwhore · 15/10/2011 23:03

Not read every word... I apologise.

You can only control what you can control. You can still be a great sister to your sister without backtracking with your ideals.

Be a great sister. Concentrate on that. Make your sister feel free to make her own choices and support her, even if you disagree. This way, your less likely to lose a sister. She 21, and a woman. She may decide to be close to your mum. Let your mum be the spouter of venom, by your actions leave your sister no reason to turn her back on you.

Its all you can do. Try to steer your sis away from your mum and she'll probably think you're as bad as her.

Hard I know, and good luck. This isn't so much about your mum as it is about your sister and you wanting your sister to see what you see through your eyes, accept that may never happen, but place yourself in such a way that your sister knows you're a good'un.

Bloody hard when all you want to do is scream honesty at a person and make them see... but you can't do that.

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WilsonFrickett · 15/10/2011 23:03

So. You have to allow DSis the space to go through the relationship 'thing' and be there to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong. But you dont have to try and re-establish a relationship yourself. (and that doesnt sound heartless at all by the way) If your sister is re-establishing contact then that's bound to be stirring up feelings from your past. But as you say, they're is no reason too have a relationship with her. So don't. But keep an eye on your DSis, eh?

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Coffeeisking · 15/10/2011 23:14

Your all so fab! Thank you.

Aldi I have learnt to be there through my sisters bad choices a lot so it wont be too difficult.

HAFTLD You are spot on! Manipulation, she is the queen of it.

It does feel like no matter what i do the issue just wont go away. I understand i will always feel crap about it, and i am almost at peace with that.
But, yes I will be there for my sister what ever happens.