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to have a very secret, very self indulgent and selfish rant on here?

(27 Posts)
gigglepin Sat 15-Oct-11 16:42:20

Its my own fault entirely so dont feel that you have to say there there or owt.

I am every ones best friend it seems.
I have 8 gorgeous lovely God children who i adore. Obviously i cant see them all all of the time and any way the oldest is now 18 and has just gone to Uni (i miss her terribly, we are evry close) the youngest is just 1. They vary in age and distance form me.

I babysit youngest God daughter every week, her mum & dad have no family round here and so i give them a break. I have her at other times too. She sooths my soul and i absolutely adore her.

Another friend with 2kids, i am picking them up from school next week, giving them tea, then taking them home when DH gets in, putting them to bed so that my friend can go to a show & for a meal with her dh. We also have her son to sleep over a few times a year as he and my ds are great buddies.

I have my neice & nephew, take them on days out with us as they dont get to go anywhere with my sisters. (a WHOLE other thread)

Yet not one of them, none of them ever offer to have my ds, take him to the park, babysit for us so that we can go out occasionally.

Friend with the 2 kids seems to tolerate my ds, and i get the impression that her dh really doesnt like him too much. My boy is and always has been boystrous, their children are somewhat quieter.

We ahev a lovely family life, i ALWAYS put my son to bed and read him a bedtime story before i go out babysitting and have friends boy on sleep overs as its company for my ds, as well as allowing them to go on an evening out.

I jsut secretly wonder why it all has to be one sided.

ok selfish moan over.

squeakytoy Sat 15-Oct-11 16:43:50

Have you ever actually asked anyone to look after him?

DawnOfTheDeementedDead Sat 15-Oct-11 16:44:43

I don't think you're being selfish at all.

I think you are being taken advantage of, wether intentionally or unintentionally. Have you ever asked if anyone would mind having your DS for a night so you could do something?

I think you may be a bit too nice, iyswim?

seaweedhead Sat 15-Oct-11 16:47:07

Well quite often if you don't ask you don't get.

MeMySonAndI Sat 15-Oct-11 16:47:10

stop offering to babysit, and when they ask, ask if they can get yours DS on x day to return the favour.

LydiaWickham Sat 15-Oct-11 16:47:12

YANBU - but have you thought to ask? the ones with the 1 year old you see weekly, could you say "would you be able to sit for us sometime so we could go out?" and see what they say?

The family you are helping out, I'd execpt to either be paid or offered care in return. Ask! They might not offer as it sounds like you're doing it for a special occasion for them, when it's your next anniversary or birthday, could you book them now for it?

Honestly, if you come across as never needing help, you could be your own worst enemy.

If you ask and they say no, you have every right to stop being available. (Actually, it might be worth saying no once in a while to stop people taking you for granted)

gigglepin Sat 15-Oct-11 16:47:41

well i dare not ask.
When i say i am every bodies friend, i mean that they tell me their troubles and problems and so i cant seem to bring myslef to ask when i know that they are having problems.

you know, like friend with 2 kids having awful problems at work and not sleeping, stressed out, other friend with baby works full time and struggling since goin back from mat leave, baby not sleeping due to teething, she is exhausted and stressed...see what i mean.

HollywoodAgentForTheLivingDead Sat 15-Oct-11 16:47:49

You sound like an all round good egg, and they sound like miserable beggers smile

Don't be afraid to ask them to babysit!

They probably don't offer because they think you don't need their help (although it is always nice for someone to make the offer off their own backs).

You sound like you do the babysitting because you genuinely enjoy what you get from it, and that you can give something to your friends.

Although I probably wouldn't ask the ones who don't seem keen on your DS, you'd just be worring about how he is with them else.

MrsRetchingBloodAndGuts Sat 15-Oct-11 16:48:20

I'm you.

I have 4 godchildren and a thousand 'neices and nephews' (I only actually have one real niece')

Tbf dd1's godmother always offers to have her but otherwise with all my other friends/family it's very one sided.

I always seem to have a house full of kids which is strange because for the last 6 yrs I've only had one dc myself (dd2 is only 5 weeks)

The absolute funniest thing is I don't really like children! grin
On the other hand they all seem to love me and love sleeping at my house.... The mind boggles

MrsRetchingBloodAndGuts Sat 15-Oct-11 16:51:05

Sorry, I seem to have had my own little rant instead of advising you.

Learn to say no! I'm still in the process of this myself but I've started and it works! You say no and you get some time to yourself and your family smile

gigglepin Sat 15-Oct-11 16:51:32

The main reason i dont say no is because i know how it feels to have no support and no break, its fucking awful. Becuase i know how it feels, i cant say no!

My boy is 8 now, but i had PND, and he didnt sleep through the night till he was 5 and at school, i worked full time and despite having family less that 2 miles form us, none of them were interested or helped at all. It was horrendous, wouldnt wish that on anyone.

Im just moaning, thinking about it while i was cleaning the bathroom grin thought i would come and tell you all about the weird rumblings in the head of a gigglepin on a Saterday afternoon.

DawnOfTheDeementedDead Sat 15-Oct-11 16:53:54

'No' is a complete sentance. wink

LydiaWickham Sat 15-Oct-11 16:53:58

you know what, the one with the 1 year old could cope for a couple of hours on your sofa for a change. Her DH could come over after your DCs are in bed and you could go for dinner.

They actually might like to be able to help you out too, at the moment it could feel like they are useless and obviously in need of help, if they help you too occassionally, they won't feel as indebted to you and will be able to see themselves as more equal to you. "parents helping each other out" feels far better than "useless mum who has to be an extra burden to super mothers who can both look after their own children and others".

gigglepin Sat 15-Oct-11 16:54:45

ahhh Mrsretching, thanks, you do sound like me...even before i had my ds i had my nephew.Remember being 8 months pregnant with ds rolling round the floor with him playing, a knock at the door and my niece bing handed to me while my sister went shopping!

HollywoodAgentForTheLivingDead Sat 15-Oct-11 16:55:48

Ranting while you're cleaning the bathroom is putting the emotion to a productive use grin

gigglepin Sat 15-Oct-11 17:00:03

woah im far from a supermum, although i do have afunny vision of a cape blowing in the wind behind me grin baby propped on hip!

I think that friend sother probelms far outweigh her feeling inadequate as a mum tbh.

I must say that it is a very great honour that they all trust me enought o allow me to love their kids, and truly i do, all of them. But a pub tea would be lovely once in a while, just for an hour.

gigglepin Sat 15-Oct-11 17:01:04

Dee, some one said that on here the other day and it made me smile then, its a cracking saying is that.."no is a complete sentance" grin

MrsRetchingBloodAndGuts Sat 15-Oct-11 17:01:56

Yes! It was the same before I had dd! I'm a child magnet grin

But seriously, I know what it's like but you just can't help everybody all of the time.
I also have my cousins dd very often as she wouldn't have a very fun life if it weren't for coming to us every now and then, we have dss every other weekend too.
So I know how it feels when it's the kids that rely on you too.

Just make sure you prioritise your own family smile

ReindeerBollocks Sat 15-Oct-11 17:02:23

You sound lovely, and like the kind of friend I want grin. Is there no-one you could ask for a break? Your brothers/sisters for example? Surely not all of your friends are having bad times, so ask the ones who seem ok to sit for you.

I have the opposite problem, a friend who desperately needs sleep but who refuses to let anyone help! I am soon just going to scoop up her three little ones and take them out for the day, that'll teach her!

aldiwhore Sat 15-Oct-11 17:30:50

You sound like a giver, and givers are often overlooked as having needs themselves because, well, they're so giving!

I think you need to maybe moan a little bit more, listen a little bit less, be less available. Not become a complete biatch of course, but make it known (through being the nice person you are) that you have needs too, that you appreciate returns sometimes, and that your giving nature isn't bottomless.

Don't change who you are fundamentally, because even if it doesn't reap massive rewards to be nice all the time, I do think its a better place to be.... just, y'know, give more to those who show they appreciate it and don't take you for granted. x

BalloonSlayer Sat 15-Oct-11 17:40:14

You sound lovely.

I would guess that the problem is that most people think that THEIR kids are wonderful, charming, a joy to be around and that most people are simply gagging to spend time in their company. At the same time they don't like other people's kids so much. They think that other parents think exactly as they do, that they are genuinely ruefully musing: "I wish our DCs were as lovely as FriendWhoTakesAdvantage's DCs. But never mind. At least we get the joy of FriendWhoTakesAdvantage's DCs once a week to spend our spare money on, and hopefully some of their charm will rub off on our kids and they'll end up just as wonderful. Or nearly."

Your friends think they are doing you a favour by gracing you with their DCs' presence. They really do. You need to find a way of making them realise that, actually, it is YOU who is doing THEM a favour.

Good luck with that...

NorfolkBroad Sat 15-Oct-11 17:55:00

You sound lovely and your friends are so lucky to have you, however if you always make out that you are fine with their requests they will continue to do this. I totally understand, I love kids, babies especially and at one point I was looking after so many at differernt times I was exhausted. I started being honest, not unkind but just honest and reasoned that if I didnt tell them how I felt I would end up resenting doing it. Really try hard to say no sometimes.

MissMap Sun 16-Oct-11 15:09:53

I agree with Aldi.

I am in a similar position as you. I find it easy to offer/give help but I am rarely on the receiving end.

My Great Aunt believes it is because people perceive me to be a capable person who does not require help. The GA is the same "type", she is in her eighties now and this has been her lifes's experience too.

Still she says if we have to be labelled she'd rather be a giver than a taker, no doubt you are the same.

catsareevil Sun 16-Oct-11 16:04:34

You do sound lovely, but sometimes if you are too available and too helpful (and seem to not really put a value on your input) then people wont value you as much, IYSWIM.

OneNerveAndYouAreOnIt Sun 16-Oct-11 16:21:15

well i dare not ask.

dont be ridiculous, do they not ask you or do they just expect you to conjure up the crystal ball

tbh i sense a bit of the burning martyr with this one

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