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to be upset that my friends r friends with my dp that left us 5 wks ago

(12 Posts)
Flojo1979 Sat 15-Oct-11 10:30:13

My partner left us 5 wks ago.
There I said it, its real!!
Naturally I've been quite upset at random things since so not sure if I'm being OTT here.
I asked dp ex to pick the last of his things up last night in the hope of some sort of reconsiliation closure, he replied he was busy. Then later text he was at my friends (couple), probably told me to wind me up.
Hey presto it worked, I feel really quite upset that my friends since childhood r entertaining the guy that hurt me and my kids by leaving. Am i wrong in thinking they should be angry with him too for hurting us?

squeakytoy Sat 15-Oct-11 10:37:14

You are not wrong for feeling like this, but it is probably a better thing that your friends stay neutral.

They may well have told him that he has behaved like a twat, (dont know the circumstances, so am assuming here that he has.. ).. or they feel that if you and him get back together, they dont want to risk a fall out with you because they bad mouthed him.. again that is something that commonly happens.

It is shit being friends with a couple when they break up because you always feel a bit in the middle, so try not to be too annoyed by them.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Oct-11 10:58:09

YANBU to be upset. When relationships break up it's very difficult for friends to know what to do. Some will try to be even-handed (which is tough) others take sides from the off, still more just avoid you all together because it's too awkward. Five years from now you'll probably have completely different friends. Try not to read too much into it.

EllaDee Sat 15-Oct-11 12:48:43

YANBU to be upset. But don't be upset with your friends (or not yet anyway). He is the one who texted you to make out he's a lovely popular guy. It's unlikely your friends have a sense of what's happened, so soon after a split. They may also not feel they know how to say no to him yet. It is harder for friends of a couple to react fast, I think.

When I split up with my wanker ex, he did exactly the same thing - went out with old friends of mine, told me all about it, made me feel as if they thought he was still a great guy. I was upset so eventually I emailed two of my close mates and said that I would love to meet up, and that I could see it must be awkward for them being friends with both my and my ex now we'd split up, but I was feeling low from the split and wanted them to let me know if we were still friends. They got back to me and were absolutely lovely. That was a few years ago now, and in retrospect, they just didn't know quite what was going on and didn't want to jump in and take sides in case they got it wrong. But they realized fairly soon that my ex was being a cock and they see very little of him now, whereas they and I are still good mates.

So I would say be straight with your friends and if they say 'well, we are friends with both of you', don't let it get to you... they may just need that bit more time to see your ex for what he is.

I don't know the circumstances of your split, but - someone is entitled to leave a relationship that they are no longer happy in, without being punished by people outside that relationship.

I mean, if he beat you, or shagged your best mate over the kitchen table while you were watching or something, then that's when good friends rally. But just ending a relationship - is everyone's right, without fear that they will be ostracised for it.

So, while I feel really sorry for you that you are hurting, in the gentlest possible way and going only on the information you have provided in your OP - YABU.

Booooooyhoo Sat 15-Oct-11 13:00:24

YABU if you think your friends should cut him out of their lives just because your relationship didn't work.

worraliberty Sat 15-Oct-11 13:04:04

YANBU to be upset, but YABU to want to put your friends in an awkward position.

Couple everywhere, every day break up and actually I can't stand people who take sides.

I've remained friends with all the couples I've known who have broken up.

And actually, some have broken up and got back together again and that leaves the people who 'took sides' in a very awkward place.

exoticfruits Sat 15-Oct-11 13:26:11

I can see you being upset but I can't see a reason why your friends should choose-they obviously like you both.

ragged Sat 15-Oct-11 13:30:13

Gosh, that was wonderfully said Hecate.

EllaDee Sat 15-Oct-11 13:38:40

Hmm. Of course I agree with Hecate that anyone is entitled to leave a relationship ... but IMO, it is not nice behaviour to show off to your ex like this. It is quite a common thing to do, but still unpleasant.

I didn't mean it to be harsh ragged. I hope it didn't come across unsympathetic.

You're right, Ella. It isn't very nice of him to text her and basically go ner ner ner ner-ner. But the question was not is my ex being a dick to try to rub my nose in this (to which the answer would have been a resounding hell yeah!) but it was - are my friends being unreasonable to remain friends with my ex, seeing as he left me. To which - my opinion only of course - the answer is as above. No. Someone is entitled to leave a relationship without losing friends because of it.

Abusers not included in that of course. You would hope that friends would cut off an abuser. But OP made no mention at all that this was anything other than her partner not wanting to be in a relationship with her any more.

ragged Sun 16-Oct-11 10:17:23

I meant exactly what I said, Hectate, ppl on MN R too quick to take things ironically (!), you said that very nicely, not harsh at all (imho). I admired you for getting the balance just right (honest).

I suppose, OP, you're DH is more likely to return to being a half-decent person to deal with the more reality checks he gets from half-decent people around him. It wouldn't be good for him to only spend time with his "jerk" friends who might only encourage the arse behaviour. Your joint friends are trying to support you both, ultimately.

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