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Is my *Mom* being unreasonable? How would you handle it?

(19 Posts)
NeumsyPeddie Fri 14-Oct-11 19:22:20

When I moved here lo those many years ago, my mom, who is a little bit mental, was devastated and did and said some really horrible things to me/about me. It took awhile for us to move past it, but I kind of got there in the end. A few months ago, I moved my blog from blogger to wordpress, and since one of her big things is "I NEVER GET TO SEE PICTURES OF THE KIDS!" (she does, I email them weekly. She's being dramatic) I told her where the new blog was located when she asked me, and sent her a link so all she had to do was click on it. She still wasn't happy, because she wants me to send her masses of printed photos in an envelope once a week, and I just don't see the point when she can just click and see the same photo online, and my sister can print it out for her at home. (My Mom is very computer literate for her age and a very intelligent lady.)

So, I did what she wanted and sent her the blog link. Now, I have stuff on there about my kids and my life. That's what a blog is right? I had posted about Owen getting bullied at school and then today I get this email from her (I copied and pasted, so this is verbatim):

"Hello how is everyone doing. I went on to your blog and read about the bullying and Owen and it really upset me I just don't need to know these things.Can I still get to see all your family pictures.I look at pics a lot.Is Stephen still on facebook?if he is have him friend me so I can see his pics.Phil and I are headed for groceries soI will write more later,please write soon.xoxoxoxoxoxoxto all my kidders.Granny/Mom."

AIBU to think she is BU? I feel like this is just another big dramatic guilt trip, and that she's getting keyed up to start a bigger drama. I do everything I can. She refuses to call us because she says it costs too much. So we call her. Even though my nephew, with whom she lives got a specific International calling plan for her AND installed Skype for her on her laptop so she could SEE the kids while she was talking to them. She won't use it. I call her every few days, I email photos whenever I take or get new ones, which averages out to about once a fortnight. We send her things in the post about every six months.

Would you just say "Ok, yeah, Mom, whatever" and let it go like I want to, or would you give her a telling like the DH wants me to? (He says I'll "stew" if I don't say something, but I don't think I will, as she's a zillion miles away and we're not that close anyway.) I think it's bothering him almost more than me, as I'm used to it, and he isn't.

MixedClassBaby Fri 14-Oct-11 19:29:26

Perhaps she's not confident using Skype? I'd say 'Let's get this Skype thing working so that we can have more direct contact'. Then arrange a time when your nephew's about to help make it work.

duvetdayplease Fri 14-Oct-11 19:34:26

Hi, I'm sorry if you;re mum's hard work. I think it does sound like she's being a bit unreasonable, but I'm not sure what is the benefit of either not saying anything or having a go.

Maybe you should just reply honestly and say 'Sorry you didn't like the blog, best not read it again. I'll send pics as I alwasy have every week. If you want to communicate with us more then you really should sort out skype'.

I have a mum who is very hard work, lot sof issues, and I also get loads of guilt trips too. Sorry, there's no easy answer as she won't stop doing it.

aldiwhore Fri 14-Oct-11 19:36:31

Ok, firstly I do sympthasie. But that's where it stops. Your Mum is not your blogging audience, she doesn't want round robin/public information, she wants to feel special, like she's different from every other person with no life who logs on to your blog. Forgive me, I'm not interested in blogs, blogging or bloggers.

Reply to her email stating that you understand she doesn't like the blog, accept that it doesn't make her feel more it touch with you, it just makes her feel more apart.... but lay down some ground rules. You will send pictures as often as you possibly can, say that you don't take photos all day every day (although if you're a blogger you probably bloody do) but you will make sure that 2 weeks won't go by without sending her EXCLUSIVE photos that the general public cannot access.

My folks are PC literate, and live at the opposite end of the county (miles mean very little although I accept its easier for me to see mine than it is for you to see yours, but still, once/twice a year is all) and still they don't quite 'get' Skype, and I don't think they'd like it. My mother likes letters and actual photos, sent by snail mail and easy to put in a fram/take to coffee morning to show off. That's her thing, I humour her because actually, letter writing to loved ones with actual photo's (once a month, take off time for effort) is an art that isn't comparable to electronic coms.

YANBU, and YABU. Your Mum is NBU but she is also BU.

There's a middle ground. She misses you, she wants to feel special, and its easy to make her feel that way, no need to fall out. Good luck.

diddl Fri 14-Oct-11 19:48:47

I love writing to my parents & sending photos.

Think they´d be quite insulted if I told them to just look at a blog & print stuff out theselves.

Is it really too much to do?

purplewerepidj Fri 14-Oct-11 19:49:14

Are you my Aunty in California? hmm

My gran is 90 and sounds a lot like your mum - the aforementioned Aunt is the darling long-lost daughter across the ocean and the rest of us aren't good enough and most contact is via computer, which my Dad had to set up and teach her how to use and fix whenever she fucks it up...

As said above, she wants to feel cared about - she doesn't want to know what everybody else knows, she wants to be the first to know with all the added details. In a three hour trans-Atlantic phone call. At maximum volume because she's 90 and her hearing's going...

YABU, but you have my sympathy!

NeumsyPeddie Fri 14-Oct-11 20:09:11

Aldi, that's actually a really good point, and I genuinely hadn't thought about it like that. I guess it's a generational thing and I get up my own arse sometimes and forget that part. I tend to forget that not everyone in the world has a life that revolves around a computer as much as I do, and I needed that kick up the pants you gave me. wink

I think you might understand why it can feel to me like "too much to do" if I'd gone into more detail about the nature of my relationship with my Mother and what she has done to me throughout my life. Just please do realize that there's alot more to the story, and that I'm actually quite proud of that fact that I've been able to get to the point where I can have any relationship at all with her. I think maybe I resent having to make her "feel special" because she has never made me or my kids feel special and has frequently been downright cruel and abusive. So it's taken me alot of work to get this far.

BUT, I do agree that I need to rethink my stance on this, as I've not been as sensitive as I could be. If I'm going to try to have a proper mother/grandmother relationship to her, I need to take that all the way and not be half assed about it. (And I promise, I don't blog and take pictures 24/7! wink

aldiwhore Fri 14-Oct-11 20:17:20

Aw nuemsyPeddie I guessed there'd be more to it that isn't my business.

I do have a best friend in Canada, she's Godparent to my children, I haven't seen her for two years and she is always asking for photos... I'm even SHITTER than you, in that I don't even take photos, I dont even own a freaking camera (married to a man who uses one as his job but that doesn't mean I have more access to shots, less in fact!) so I am always BU by sending her pictures that are 6 months out of date.... she's due to visit in 2 months and I'm desperately trying to take and send photos so she's not completely shocked at the sixe of my kids when she's arrived.


As I'm so unreasonable, its very easy to see the flaws in others, so please don't think its a dig against you personally... grin

Behaving unreasonably with good reason is a very valid yet grey area with plenty of room for understanding and forgiveness. (And sorry about the blog bashing, I even hated Adrian Mole as a child, and don't get me started on Bridget Jones... anything with 'diary' conatations and I quiver, its not you its me and all that wink)

NeumsyPeddie Fri 14-Oct-11 20:33:38

Well, to quote my beloved FIL "OHhhhhh, aye, pet, everybugger has their thing, don't they?" smile

I didn't take it personally at all! If I didn't want honest opinions, I wouldn't post here. So, no, it's not that at all. And I really do need to shit or get off the pot, I guess. If I'm going to have a relationship with the mad old bat wink I need to commit to having one, if not, I need to commit to not having one so I stop sending her mixed messages. Shit, man, I hate being self aware. Some days I think I should have stayed a Sheeple. grin

NeumsyPeddie Fri 14-Oct-11 20:34:16

Oh, and btw, ::whispers:: I don't know who Adrian Mole is. LOLOL!

purplewerepidj Fri 14-Oct-11 21:18:41

Adrian Mole is intensely irritating and you're far better off not knowing wink

Your mum sounds quite manipulative and controlling, so to have a relationship with her you will need to submit to a bit of manipulation and control grin

Sheeple can fuck right off to the far side of fuck <gavel>

NeumsyPeddie Fri 14-Oct-11 21:23:23

No A.M for me then! And you nailed my Mom and the situation in one sentence. That's pretty fuckin' impressive, really. grin
Well said, re: Sheeple. My best friend and I also refer to them as Walking Neurons. They just react to stimuli, and that's it.

Sleepglorioussleep Fri 14-Oct-11 21:24:00

Once a week email? My parents who live closer, should be so lucky! My parents sent yearly photos iirc. I think you're doing plenty.

Sleepglorioussleep Fri 14-Oct-11 21:28:52

And I sympathise with the difficult relationship thing. I had to say very firmly to my dad the other day "I am doing my best but mum and I have a very complex history. I cannot magic up a normal mother and daughter relationship,whatever that might mean. You have to accept that or risk pushing me away". Not about photos, but I really understand that these things are not always about the photos, the phone calls or whatever.

purplewerepidj Fri 14-Oct-11 21:31:47

wink I love the Walking Neurons thing!

NeumsyPeddie Fri 14-Oct-11 21:32:55


It is. It's a weird, weird dynamic. It's one reason I didn't even have to think twice about which of us would move where when DH and I got together. I was well and truly thrilled to Git Outta Dodge!

MmeLindor. Fri 14-Oct-11 21:39:04

I would distance myself slightly and ignore the manipulative emails and calls.

"Sorry that you didn't like the blog, I will just carry on sending you photos if and I when I can but cannot promise when it will be".

We live abroad and my mum LOVES my blog, she emailed me a pic of the chicken pie that dad had made from a recipe I posted. She is also on FB and is happy with the pics that I send her.

Do you have a camera on your phone and email capability? I send my mum snaps when the DC do something funny or sweet.

Just be thankful there is an ocean between you and her.

purplewerepidj Fri 14-Oct-11 21:39:19

Why do you think my Aunty is in California? wink

NeumsyPeddie Fri 14-Oct-11 21:43:38

Mme, I have to admit, I do think that in the main my blog is fun to look at, lighthearted and cute. I do blog about the kids sometimes but it's more about cooking/sewing/reading/etc...So, I would think it would be fun for her. I'd enjoy it if my kids have them when they're grown. Yes, I do email her stuff with my BB fairly frequently, but she always complains that she "can't see photos off the phone". (???)
I am veryyyy thankful. lol

Purple, smart auntie. grin

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