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AIBU to start demanding a bit more action from dds school

(18 Posts)
Dirtydishesmakemesad Fri 14-Oct-11 13:24:57

Spoke to the teacher a while ago saying that my 7 year old dd has been upset on occassion because she says she has no friends and that he other children dont want to play with her. The teacher told me she would keep an eye on her. At parents evening this week the teacher told me that aparently my dd plays on her own and "sings and talks to herself" and that she cant force anyone to play with her, aparently she plays bat and ball on her own so thats ok hmm. I have tried going down the route of "would you like to invite someone home" but my dd actually recoils at the idea of this.

The teacher did repeatedly mention the way she speaks so i wonder if this has been mentioned in class we moved from southern england to the north a year ago and she still has a very different accent.

I didnt really know what to say at the time but the more I think about it the more upset i get at the tought of her standing on her own playign bat and ball and singing to herself. I dont expect the teacher to handcuff children to her until they play or anythign along those lines but surely just shrugging her shoulders and saying that my dd seems happy is not enough?

AIBU to expect the school to start looking at why she is so isolated be this a problem on her side, the other chidlren or a bit of both- she is wonderfully sociable at home and she recently started at beavers where she seems to be getting on with the other children (boys - she always make friends with boys rather than girls).

aldiwhore Fri 14-Oct-11 13:32:43

That's really tough. I personally don't think schoolfriends are the be-all and end-all, but it depends on how its affecting her. You say she gets on with boys, and that's perfectly fine, though in a playground setting it may well be that there's a bit of boy bravado going on, rather than the other girls refusing to play with her, maybe she's seeking out boys who would be very happy to play with her when they're not with their mates?

I moved up from Devon to Chester when I was 15 so a bit older than your dd! And although the accent made me 'interesting' it didn't stop me having mates, and certainly wasn't cause for people to ignore me.

How is your dd coping with group work in the classroom? Why is she recoiling at the thought of having friends to tea?

Is she simply choosing not to play with the other girls or being disallow BY the other girls?

Teachers cannot really control who plays with who at playtime, but they can have in class talks about including people, and not ignoring people who areon their own.

The teacher could ask your DD to share her experience of moving to another area, her old home, her accent etc., with the class in smaller groups or as a whole?

It sounds like this is much harder for you than your dd, which is understandable, when my eldest was being picked on I was certainly the more affected by it, it broke my heart. He just shrugged and once it was settled he thought no more of it though I was on tenterhooks!

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs Fri 14-Oct-11 13:33:01

Of course YANBU. My 10.5 DD is in a similar situation. She is an outsider with a markedly different (posh hmm) accent. Luckily she is not one to be ignored.
IIWY, I would go back to the school and ask for some strategies. It might be worth mentioning the teacher having a word with the class, or at assembly about being nice to each other and being inclusive.

aldiwhore Fri 14-Oct-11 13:34:13

Is it worth chatting to other mums and arranging a playdate at a soft play or something - somewhere neutral?

slavetofilofax Fri 14-Oct-11 13:36:21

I would be asking the school what they do to talk about friendship and the like in PSHE. Do they have a friendship stop or whatever where children can go and someone else will go over and ask them to play?

The teacher can't force people to be friends with your dd, but they should be covering the basics.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll Fri 14-Oct-11 13:36:28

Sounds terrible. So sorry your DD is having this! They have been DD also 7 just began at a new school and the teacher was good at pairing her up with the "kindest girls" so she would have some allies as she found her feet. She's not completely settled yet but friendships come from shared about just talking to some Mums and trying to see f any of them are willing to help? I know if a Mum told me her child was having this, I would have the childround for tea in a flash.

Every class has a couple of maternal girls who are capable of great kindness when shown where to place it by the teacher!

An average 6 or 7 year old may not have the know-how to direct kindness at a new or shy child...but with the right encouragement they will!

Can you go back in and insist they do something? i would. They should have a buddy system in place....perhaps an older child who would help organise some group games which DD can then join in with. They need to do SOMETHING because playtime is as much part of their education as anything! If the teacher is of no help the see the HT!

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll Fri 14-Oct-11 13:40:54

Are you in the PTA? It can really help you to get to know other parents and through them their kids...this makes it easier to mix in when you are new and nobody knows your child....Usually they are happy to get some more help. I was nervous joining ours but it has been good for us as the others were "Oh! You're Xs Mum!" and then they can put faces and names together...

Dirtydishesmakemesad Fri 14-Oct-11 13:41:30

aldi - she seems to do ok with the classroom work but the teacher did raise concerns about her concentration and aparently she now has an egg timer of her that the teacher turns over when she needs to concentrate.
I have no idea why she is so against children coming over but when i mention it she actually gets quite upset, she doesnt seem to want anything to do with them and yet atthe same time she says she is sad because she has no friends and is lonely.

The are we have moved to is very different to where we used to live, we used to live in a small town, her school was small and the children were i would say more settled and well behaved than the school here.
This school there are (according to her teacher last year) alot of behaviour problems and it is a much larger school. I know my dd has some issues with noise levels and we have to make sure the other children at home dont scream too much around (she is the oldest of 4) so this could be a factor.

The school itself is not really very close to our house, when we moved here the schools were all full nearer our house and so we were allocated this one.

I did ask dd if she would like to move if I put her name on the waiting list of the school nearer but again she was horrified so i realy dont know whats the best!

porcamiseria Fri 14-Oct-11 13:45:30

I would advise two thing

start some out of school activities, brownies or such like. Its often nicer to make friends in a non school setting

speak to the teacher and riase some of the ideas posted here, ie a buddy system. I DO think school should be doing something proactive

I really feel for you, but I also really hope this is phase that will pass xxxxx

DeWe Fri 14-Oct-11 13:54:02

I had a southern accent in a northern school, and it was at the age of 7 that certain children started using that to catagorise me as posh.
At secondary school no one ever commented, but there were children that would repeat back certain words.
Of course when I moved south as an adult, I got told I sounded "so northern". Couldn't win there!

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll Fri 14-Oct-11 13:59:39

I hope you can come to something to sort this out...I HATE things like this. But I lso think this is a funny age with many girls trying to find themselves friendship wise...has DD not mentioned any names at all?

C4ro Fri 14-Oct-11 14:33:37

I would hope the teachers could vaguely direct some of the other kids in helpful ways. Clearly a "go and play with lonely kid" has no chance to work but there are other ways- bring out a new toy like a giant skipping rope and make a group activity, force some inclusion.

My brother was once used in such a manner to stop the bullying on a girl in his class that had been reduced to tears a few times. Head teacher basically took him to one side and told him that the next time he saw this happen he was to stop it. Brother not one of the bullies I should say; just gobby enough/ popular enough to do it. You can imagine how much use a teacher proclamation of "leave x alone now" would work.

minimisschief Fri 14-Oct-11 14:41:16

find something that all the kids are into and not allowed in school. Have your child have said cool thing

child is now the cool kid

spiderpig8 Fri 14-Oct-11 14:47:31

I think your DD doesn't want schoolmates over because they won't play with her at school.Nobody wants set themselves up for rejection!!

kelly2000 Fri 14-Oct-11 14:55:23

I think it is important to not keep asking your daughter about this as she may end up feeling that she is somehow failing you by not having friends. Children interpret things very differently to adults. Focus on asking her if she is happy, not how many friends she has.
And if she does not have friends then having to ask people to come around for tea would just be embarressing for her, hence she recoils.

Why do you not see if she wants to get involved in after school activities that some of the others might be involved in like brownies or sports etc?

The teacher could also make more of an effort to get the children to work in pairs etc for some activities to encourage your dd to make a friend.

MrsHoarder Fri 14-Oct-11 16:14:24

Also, if she feels under pressure by you to appear to have friends, it makes it much easier for other children to pick on her. I had a similar problem, and only the girl who made my life a misery at school would come to my house for tea. Sweetness and light in front of my mum but then tormented me as soon as her back was turned.

If she seems happy, and is a self-sufficient type then relax the pressure to "make friends" and just let her be. She'll make friends when she's ready in life.

MajorBOO Fri 14-Oct-11 16:25:03

Are you sociable as a family? Do you have lots of friends over yourself?

Please don't see this as me being critical, I am just asking for 2 reasons:
1) kids often mimic their parents, if she sees having guests as stressful for you (& lord knows not everyone is comfortable with an open door policy) it maybe stressful for her too.
And 2) if you're quite an independent person who doesn't need lots of friends around, then she may just be a chip off the old block.

Not every child can be the most popular kid at school, but I would just facilitate her chances of making friends by joining after-school clubs that are quite social, and making sure that you as a family join in local events so you all get to know people that way.

HairyToe Fri 14-Oct-11 17:29:21

YADNBU our school has a 'playground friend ' system where older children look out for people on their own, round them up and organise games with the
. It works really well and the older kids love the responsibility.

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