To not play happy families because stepson is here?

[karmathreefold]

DSS (21) is coming this weekend. We haven't seen him for a while, so it'll be nice for him & DD (16 months) to see each other.

I'm not particularly keen on 'playing' happy families though. I'll be prefectly pleasant & polite to DSS, and try my hardest to not let him feel uncomfortable, but I really don't want to put on an act for (D)H's sake.

I'm heavily pregnant (imminent within weeks), and suffer from very bad SPD at the moment, incredibly painful, but as the primary carer of DD I have to keep going, when all I want is to lie down (which in fact makes the SPD worse)!

I've been feeling inceasingly unwell, and have been having migraines. My midwife has told me to rest (i.e. sleep), during the day, but it is impossible to do so (though she told me to find someone to mind DD, which just isn't possible right now). When I told DH this, he retorted that I spend a lot of time sitting down, so I am resting, and that the midwife must think I'm walking into town???

DD periodically has sleeping issues. Usually she is as good as gold, put her down awake, and she sleeps from 8pm - 7.30am (after having to use controlled crying).

For the last three nights however, she has been a bloody monkey! She's been waking about 4am (last night she woke at 3am) and has refused to go back down into her cot.

I've tried everything - she is teething so I gave her Calprofen before bed, and when she woke gave her a dose of Calpol. Still she refused to sleep, except in my arms.

Thing is I'm not getting sleep. I'm not happy to sit in a chair, letting DD sleep on me, whilst missing out myself. Besides, she is leaning against the bump - which hurts, is hardly on my lap (due to bump) and is giving me dead arms.

I tried to take her into our bed, but she still won't even lie down she climbs on top of me, and puts my arms around her.

She eventually went to sleep at 7am this morning, but was awake at 8.30, I begged DH to get her up, to feed her etc, and let me sleep - his reaction was to shout, pull the duvet over my head, and tell me that he's going to start going to pubs & parties, as this isn't the life he wants.

I'm at my wit's end. This can't go on - I will not be able to hold DD for hours at a time, with a newborn, and I'm worried about how anyone looking after her will manage overnight. I guess controlled crying is the only answer - but next door get very upset, so I have to keep her quiet.

I'm especially annoyed at DH, who takes sleeping pills, has a good nights sleep, and still expects me to go without sleep, and moans about the mess of the house.

His son is coming today, and he's going to be nice to me, and has suggested we all go out for a meal, but he's so detached from my agony that I can't pretend things are fine

[Ormirian]

Poor you

I don't think you need to play happy families. Civility will do and perhaps a quick explanation that you don't really feel up to going anywhere but he should feel free to remove his father from your house until he feels ready to behave like a grown-up!

[mumblechum1]

Your dh should take dss and dd out for the evening and give you a break.

[worraliberty]

I think this has got noting to do with your DSS and everything to do with the lack of support and understanding from your DH

[aldiwhore]

Could your (D)H, DSS and DD go out for a 'nice family meal' whilst you get some rest? Get DSS onside.

[valiumredhead]

I'm sure your step son would love to go out for a meal just him and his dad, why don't you suggest that instead?

Can your dd get out of her cot by herself OP?

I remember how cross I was at dh for not understanding how tired I was.

[TheFeministsWife]

Jeez I'm not surprised you don't want to play happy families with a husband who behaves like that! [hshock] I'd be telling him to get his bloody arse in gear!

Is DSS good with dd? Could he help you out by watching her during the day whilst you get some sleep, and maybe taking her out for a while so you can have a rest? Could he have a word with his dad and ask him to stop being an arse help more?

[lesley33]

Agree with worraliberty - the issue is your DH and lack of support.

With your DSS I would be honest (kind of) and say its great to see you and I'm glad you are here. But because of issues with pregnancy and i am in a lot of pain (don't have to go into details). So I'm not up to going out for a meal and will have to lie down a lot rather than staying to chat with you.

He is 21 - old enough easily to understand this. And then be civil and go and lie down.

I suspect your DD is being a pain with sleeping because you are understandably more tetchy at the moment. Kids always get worse behaved when you are least able to manage their bad behaviour. It really doesn't mean that you will have this problem when your baby is born.

[lesley33]

I think its a good idea to ask DSS to take your DD out/play with her so you can lie down upstairs. But I think its unfair to ask him to talk to your DH about his behaviour on your behalf.

[HecateGoddessOfTheNight]

My god. Your husband is being a total and utter bastard to you.

If your husband was treating you properly - you wouldn't be exhausted and suffering all this and your stepson's visit wouldn't be stressing you out.

[NinkyNonker]

He sounds like an absolute arse, and really mean to boot. Is he always like that?

[Andrewofgg]

DH is an arse but that's not the fault of DSS to whom civility is due. I hope he can and will help with DD. And tell his father to act his bloody age.

[TiaMariaandDietCoke]

I also agree with worra. DSS's visit could be a blessing though - as some others have said, explain to him (no details needed) about how you're feeling, tell him you're pleased to have him and hope he'll understand if you're a bit tired etc.

If he's any way half decent he'll do his best to help out. Maybe suggest the three of them go out together for a while so you can rest.

You need to talk to your (d)h though. This has obviously been going on before dss's visit and will continue after it if you don't tackle it.

hope you feel better soon

[ConfessionsOfAWereFanjo]

It sounds like your DD is starting to realise she isn't going to be the only LO in the house very soon. Honestly if she has to watch rather to much cbeebies so that you can get rest, so be it. You'll soon be mobile again (though it doesn't feel like it now, I know!) and able to play with her again.

As for your DH, well it sounds like he needs to pull his head out. Can you 'misplace' his sleeping pills? Blimey actually, what happens if you go into labour, or something else happens in the middle of the night and he's in a drug induced sleep snoring his head off?

DSS is an adult and should understand if you explain to him (unless he takes after your DH).

[loveglove]

Your husband is behaving like a titwank buttsniffing monkey buggerer.

I am FURIOUS on your behalf. How DARE he say "this isn't the life I wanted"!

It clearly is as he married you and decided to have TWO children with you! He needs a HUGE kick up the arse.

I'd just tell DSS you aren't well and send the three of them out.

I really hope you feel better soon and get through the weekend.

[buzzskeleton]

Your dh is vile.

[cheekeymonster]

[hgrin]@loveglove(still using my phrase,how flattering).

[cheekeymonster]

I'm right off DH's today, I would replace his sleeping tablets with diuretics, that will let him know what it feels like to be pregnant and not sleeping!
A thwack in the pelvis with a cricket bat might make him know what SPD feels like.
Seriously, make him go out with DSS and DC and you soak those aching bones in a bath full of warm water.
On another note if SPD doesn't ease up after birth you might want to consider a tempur type mattress - only thing that works for me. 5 yrs of SPD.

[neolara]

On a purely practical note, I would give your dd neurofen instead of calpol. I always found calpol did very little to numb the pain of teething, but neurofen knocked my dcs out for most of the night. Good luck. It sounds grim. It will get better. Promise.

[whackamole]

Even my 10 YO DSS understood when I told him I was just too ill to be able to entertain him all day long.

YANBU, your DH is. VERY unfair that he takes sleeping tablets leaving you to deal with your other child.

[Chocolocolate]

YANBU,

Your H sounds horrible. I'm nearing the end of my first pregnancy with SPD - I really don't know how you're managing with a toddler and without support.

I agree with everyone else - get your DH to take DSS out for a boys night or he could take your DSS and DD for a meal together.

DSS might enjoy spending some time with his Dsis, as he hasn't seen her for a while, allowing you to sleep. Maybe he could take her out for the day?

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Why is your husband being such a wanker? Is he always like that?

[karmathreefold]

Sorry I didn't get back to this yesterday.

I ended up falling down the stairs, through tiredness, or by being stupid which is probably the case I don't know.

I felt fine, but when I went to the loo, I discovered I was bleeding, and ended up in hospital (with my mum looking after DD as DH was collecting DSS).

There was no obvious cause for the bleeding, thought the doctor believes I may have jolted the cervical plug & had a 'show'.

I was advised not to life DD for a while, as the bleeding will irritate the cervix, and may cause preterm labour, also they just want me to err on the side of caution till my ANC appointment next week.

So this is all great, and (credit where it's due), DH has been more helpful, and DD slept through.

However, DH is going out for the day with DSS tomorrow. I know I cannot complain, however I am a bit pissed, yes I can relax, but DD will be with me, and I will have to be lifting her.

I know it's unreasonable, but I do feel like saying "no you can't go off for the day and have fun, leaving me to look after DD", I know it would be wrong, and unfair to DSS, but I never have had a day off from DD, and I feel a bit miffed that he's going to have fun, leaving me with a toddler, who I'm not supposed to be lifting due to the bleed (let alone also SPD which is worse since the fall)...and whilst I do feel it's unfair for DSS to suffer, I do also feel that DH should get his priorities right, and apologise, but realise that we both need to compromise, and maybe a pint down the pub when DD is asleep, or whatever is fairer.

And NO they cannot take DD. Where they are planning is not suitable for kids, and besides DH wants one-on-one time with DSS (who's very lucky as DH doesn't let me have one-on-one time with my own DS whose birthday is next week)!

[BleachedWhale]

What do you mean "DH doesn't let me have one-on-one time with my own DS whose birthday is next week" he doesn't let you, how?

You need to tell your DH that the Dr said you must not lift DD and therefore he must either take DD with him or stay at home and help you. DSS is not a child, so can presumably understand that a complication in pg (such as falling down stairs) is very serious.

Your H is setting a terrible example in selfishness and neglect. Was he not frightened to the core when you fell downstairs, FFS?