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AIBU?

to be very upset at my DP at the moment

33 replies

knittynoodle · 14/10/2011 09:12

Our 10mo DS is teething so wakes easily at the moment. DP had to work late last night - 9pm - and was going to the cinema with his friends after. I didnt mind because bedtime is 7pm so it makes no diffference what time DP comes home, as once DS is down, he usually stays down so Id have the evening to myself for once.

Well not last night.

DS was sick in my hair at 7pm. But he went down at 7.30 fairly nicely. Then, just as I was about to get myself settled for the evening, the house phone rings. We live in a tiny flat and the phone is LOUD. My DS was well and truly up after that.

I settled him again (45 minutes) and was about to move away to start my evening. The phone rings again. I slammed it down without answering and then unplugged it, but DS was awake.

I settled him AGAIN (40 minutes) and finally found out it was my DP and Mum calling me. For no reason, just for a chat. They both know when bedtime is. By now I was crying with frustration. It was now past 9 o clock. I ate some dinner and got in the bath to wash the sick out of my hair.

DP came home and woke DS up when he shut the front door. I asked if he could settle him, seeing as I was in the bath. DS didn't settle after 5 minutes so DP asked if I could get out of the bath to do it. I did. DP could see I was crying and said nothing.

We went to bed (well, DP fell asleep on the sofa while I was settling the baby) and after an hour, DS woke again. DP got up to go to him and after a while I heard a scream like he was in pain. DP was holding him down in his cot?!?!?! I asked DP what the hell he was doing and he said 'Ive been at work all day, cant you shut him up'. ER.... IVE BEEN TRYING BUT YOU BASTARDS KEEP WAKING HIM UP!!!!!!!!

DS and I moved to the front room to sleep for the night and I hate my DP's guts this morning. AIBU?

I realise our main problem is the size of this shoebox flat.

OP posts:

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Blueberties · 14/10/2011 09:14

Oh dear. To put it mildly, yes I would be upset.

What's with the holding down in the cot? Was he drunk? Does he think that's "acceptable"?

Blueberties · 14/10/2011 09:15

And ignoring you crying. You must have been at the end of your rope. You need a really quiet day today.

ssd · 14/10/2011 09:15

God no, you hate away

and whilst you're at it, get yourself some flowers and wine from the shops today and leave baby to dh tonight and hide somewhere

sloggies · 14/10/2011 09:16

No U, no. Can you have a good day today with the bare min of housework, walk to the park or something? Coffee (nice coffee) in a cafe? Might make you feel a bit better.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 14/10/2011 09:17

No, your main problem is that your DP uses violence with your baby.

knittynoodle · 14/10/2011 09:19

I don't know what the hell was wrong with him. DS gets up and stands at the edge of the cot calling for me, I think he thought that if he could stop him doing that, he would nod off again. Im crying again just at the thought of it all.

OP posts:

unpa1dcar3r · 14/10/2011 09:23

Selfish tw*t. No you are defo not being unreasonable. He needs a swift kick up the jacksy and a withdrawal forthwith of his nookie from you! Think they're called conjugal rights but I don't like the word 'rights'! Should be conjugal gift.

SausageGoulsAndFruitSpooks · 14/10/2011 09:26

No YANBU

My Dp "holds" ds2 in the cot but it's something that comforts ds and gets him to sleep without the need for my boobs. (as in hand placed firmly on Ds's back which he finds comforting and helps him fall asleep without me feeding/rocking him)

Sounds like your Dp was doing it out of anger though and that is never ok.

FWIW I used to live in a tiny flat as well and at 6.30pm every evening the house phone was turned off & the intercom buzzer for the door was turned off. People knew if they wanted to get hold of me after this time then they should phone my mobile. Can you get into the habit of doing this and let everyone know??

GypsyMoth · 14/10/2011 09:28

What would have happened if you hadn't come into the room, or had been out?

GypsyMoth · 14/10/2011 09:29

There's no such thing as conjugal rights

knittynoodle · 14/10/2011 09:31

When Im not there DP would probably have put him in our bed and rubbed his belly to sleep (which is his usual way when Im not around) but last night I think he was over tired and thought I should be doing it - which is what fueled the 'cant you shut him up' comment.

OP posts:

iwantbrie · 14/10/2011 09:34

YANBU at all. MY DH used to wake DS up when he came in from work at all hours & fall asleep straight away, it took ages to make him see that he wasn't helping me out at all.
Make it known that when it's bedtime no one should phone unless it's an emergency & then as has already been suggested, it's mobile only. Or send you a text & you'll phone them back?
You need to sit your DP down and tell him how you feel (when you're a bit calmer though) and tell him straight what you need from him.
Oh, and if you're going to kick your DP's arse give him one from me for taking his frustrations out on your DS x

ginnybag · 14/10/2011 09:34

Well, your DH couldn't have known what a rough evening you'd had - did you tell him when he got it?

That said he SHOULDN'T have got you out of the bath and he SHOULD have noticed you were crying and asked why.

However, I agree, your main problem is your DH's attitude. His holding your son down was totally unacceptable and his comment to you 'I've been at work - can't you shut him up?' also out of line.

Fact is, he hadn't been at work - he'd been out at least part of the time on a jolly - it's his kid too and you'd been struggling all day, and since when does he get to talk to you like that?

Have a nice day today, as best you can, and sit your DP down when he gets in and explain why your aren't happy.

If he still thinks what he did was okay, you've got a bigger problem than your flat phone!

HauntyMython · 14/10/2011 09:35

Holding him down is horrible. Does he even show remorse today?

As a totally minor (in comparison) thing I would suggest getting an answerphone and switching it on at DS's bedtime so it doesn't ring, if that's possible.

MmeLindor. · 14/10/2011 09:35

I presume your Mum and your DP both know that the phone is loud enough to wake the baby? (Although you can turn it down to a whisper and that is sorted).

Tbh, if he normally goes down at 7pm, and your mum phoned at 7.30pm it was not really bedtime. And if your DS wakes everytime the phone rings then it would have made no difference when she rang.

As to your DP ringing - that was about 8ish? So he would have thought that your DS is in bed.

So I would say, you had a bad evening but some of it could be solved by you setting the phone to silent or unplugging it.

Moving on to when your DP got home - was he noisy, or is it just that your DS sleeps lightly?

Your DP needs to take responsibility and not pass DS on to you if he cannot settle him. Do you ever go out alone and leave him with DP?

The holding down of your DS is unacceptable. Was this unusual of your DP?

I would say there are a few things there that could be changed to help your DS sleep better, and you must have a chat about use of force - does your DP realise that this was way out of line?

HauntyMython · 14/10/2011 09:36

And are you sure he noticed you crying - if he did and failed to say anything that is also not indicating a nice personality :(

MmeLindor. · 14/10/2011 09:37

unpaidcarer
Quite shocked at your suggestion of withholding sex. How about the OP talks about it with her DP and comes to a decision about changes to be made. What does sex have to do with it?

NinkyNonker · 14/10/2011 09:39

Way out of line in his attitude to both you and your Ds, yanbu at all to be upset.

Lylah · 14/10/2011 09:39

YANBU. I feel tense just reading about it. Clearly not a fun day. Give yourself permission to be angry; that's a perfectly reasonable response to what you've been through.

However, try not to focus all your anger on the DP. He's obviously at fault, but I'm reading between the lines and getting the impression that you are also angry at the shoebox flat, the loud telephone, the lack of time to yourself and the general lack of sympathy to what must have been a very hard few hours for you. I'd recommend telling him how you feel and 'explaining' how he might well have been tired (after his trip to the cinema!) but it was nothing compared to how tired you were after several hours of extreme stress!

I hope you start to feel better today. Like the others have said; take a break, treat yourself, try and have some time off if possible :)

paddypoopants · 14/10/2011 09:42

It wasn't your dp's fault you had a shitty night- nights like that happen usually when your other half is off doing something nice and you're looking forward to a quiet night tv watching. HOWEVER he should've been more sympathetic when he saw you were upset and I would be seriously worried about the incident with the baby. He lost it after 5 mins and tried to hold the baby down so that it cried in pain???!!!

AnaisB · 14/10/2011 09:48

unpaidcarer that's a strange suggestion. Don't see how it would help the relationship and is based on the presumption that OP doesn't like sex otherwise surely she'd be losing out too.

Totally not acceptable to ignore that you were crying, ask you to get out of the bed or to hold baby down. (When DD is in bed with us we used to hold her down cos she fell asleep so quick when she wasn't wiggling, but I'm guessing that that's not what you're talking about.)

but I think the phone calls and sick were just part of a series of stressful events that weren't particularly anyone's fault, or were just due to thoughtlessness.

PhilipJFry · 14/10/2011 10:12

" after a while I heard a scream like he was in pain. DP was holding him down in his cot?!?!?! I asked DP what the hell he was doing and he said 'Ive been at work all day, cant you shut him up'."

I can't say what I'd do in a situation like yours because you just don't know until you're in it, but I would be apoplectic at this. Absolutely furious. That's an awful thing to do.

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minimisschief · 14/10/2011 10:23

going against the grain here and saying yabu

you said yourself once your child is down its down and you wouldn't usually mind. The fact you had a crap night is not your partners fault nor was he psychic or bu to phone you to chat.

also he cannot help that the child woke up when he came in.

he tried settling him when he came in but it didnt work. he is obviously just as stressed as you are. He shouldn't have held the child down in his cot to stop him moving or whatever but again i am going with highly stressed and frustrated.

so imo yabu to be pissed off with him for breaking down just like you are and you are bau to be pissed off with something you said was fine until the situation changed

he was bu to hold baby down and not confort you when you were upset

nomoreheels · 14/10/2011 10:23

He doesn't sound good, OP. I would be reading him the riot act about his attitude.

cestlavielife · 14/10/2011 11:19

switch all phones to silent in evening. mobile on vibrate in your pocket if you worried about missing somehting. let people leave messages.

talk to dp about holding baby down and whether he realises it was out of order.

do you get help support family friends ?

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