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To be slightly distraught that my Dad is having another baby?

(14 Posts)
PositivePrana Thu 13-Oct-11 23:13:45

My baby will be one around the time that my pensioner Dad is due to have another child with his new wife.
It wouldn't be too bad if he actually took any interest in my DD but he has shown very little affection for her.
He used to be such a warm person, I just don't know him anymore. AIBU to expect that he should be interested in my DD, his first grandchild?

Toughasoldboots Thu 13-Oct-11 23:18:51

Sorry for you, my dad has done this and completely neglects his grandchildren, very hard not to feel bitter about it. My Dad just not interested now he has his new family. He is 60 and I am 38, I have a five year and two year old half sister. Despite being wealthy he has also become ( or rather the stepmother I suspect) incredibly mean with any gifts for them .

You probably wanted something more positive?! From my experience yanbu.

fedupofnamechanging Thu 13-Oct-11 23:20:16

I would find this hard to swallow too. Have you talked to him about it?

Tbh, you can't make people behave how you want them to, all you can do is alter how you respond to them. I would make a last effort to encourage a relationship between my dad and my baby and to talk to him about why things had changed, but if it didn't work out, I would cut my losses and leave him out of my life. His loss. Some people are shitty to their kids when they remarry and you are better off without him, if that is the case.

DogsBeastFiend Thu 13-Oct-11 23:22:58

You can't make him of course. But who knows, maybe the arrival of a baby in his own home might rekindle his interest in those of wider family? I hope so.

My Dad also had a baby with his partner when Dad was nearing pension age. He wasn't the problem... she was and is!

You say "it wouldn't be too bad... " - it sounds like you have other concerns or thoughts on it all apart from those about his relationship with his DGD. Why might it be bad, apart from the problem you've expressed (and the obvious concern for a child growing up with an older dad who, heaven forbid, may not be well or worse may not be around to see his new DC grow into an adult)?

PositivePrana Fri 14-Oct-11 21:49:21

Dogs, I am concerned that there will be a little baby with a Dad too old to 'get stuck in' with it & be around for it. I also have issues that my Dad & I used to be very close & he has lost interest in me & many of his old friends since he started this new relationship/got married.
I understand that there are many children born into tough situations and that their baby will have a loving home, so will be very lucky in that respect.
I guess i'm pissed off with him as I just think he is being a pretty useless Dad & an even worse granddad. I think I would be able to accept the new baby thing if I was happy with the way he was interacting with me or my DD.
I was very excited about how he would be with my DD as he used to totally adore a friends young baby and look after her/baby sit ALL the time. But now it feels like he has dumped us all!

forehead Fri 14-Oct-11 22:02:11

My dad did the same thing,he has four children with his new wife. The youngest being 6 years old the same age as my ds. I admit that i am really ashamed of him, particularly as he was a crap father and so my dmum brought myself and my siblings uo alone.
He is also expecting me to look after his children when the winged chariot arrives to take him.

PositivePrana Fri 14-Oct-11 22:17:00

Bloody useless men! I'm getting more annoyed about it now. I was trying to just blank it out.

forrestgump Fri 14-Oct-11 22:57:59

You are not alone ..... In my husbands case it's his mother, as a youngster he recalls a chain smoking alcoholic, who he swears had a few special friends, now she is bloodee organic mother earth, but with totally no time for grandchildren as she loves her 2nd chance at parenting, oh and isn't she bloody perfect!! To be honest our kids get oodles of love from my parents, and my dh's dad, so it's her loss!!!

PositivePrana Fri 14-Oct-11 23:11:22

See, I think the thing that hurts most is he was the grand parent I was relying on to be the loving/interested/caring/reliable one!
It all falls to my DH's mum as my mum lives on the other side of the world!

troisgarcons Fri 14-Oct-11 23:11:37

im going to throw in a different perspective.

My mother died and my father remarried very quickly. SM had a daughter my age and GD of 10.

I adore my SM ....bit of a thoroughly spoiled GD but thats by-the-by.

My SM made my father very happy for 7 years. Cant say my SS is a sister, but she is a very good friend.

Parents arent 'children' we can control.

I also have issues that my Dad & I used to be very close & he has lost interest in me & many of his old friends since he started this new relationship/got married

I can see where you are coming from - once you were the Princess in his life, now you have grown up a nd got your own relationship - maybe he felt the same way once - you moved on with a new man in your life and didnt give him (dad) as much time as you once did?

You need to make a friend of your new SM. Women always control relationships. In a way, its lovely you have a step sibling the same age as your own child - they can grow up together and you can merge families because you have common interests.

I suppose I've been in your situation - but I had a very good older female friend who showed me i was just being jealous of my fathers new relationship and the time I no longer had with him.

As I say, I love my SM to bits, she made my father happy and that in turn made me happy.

Beamur Fri 14-Oct-11 23:18:20

I have a sister 35 years younger than me.
My Dad was always (still is) a bit crap, but he does keep in touch with me and shows interest in my DD who is his first and probably only GD for the time being, sister is only 6 so not likely to have a baby any time soon!
I agree with trisgarcons - women do have an awful lot of control in these types of relationships (as a SM myself I've tried to do things a bit differently to my own SM..)
It's a shame that he can't/won't fit into the mould you would have liked, but maybe at the moment he is too caught up in this new relationship and it might take him a little while to regain some wider perspective - presumably he never expected to be doing the new family thing at this stage in his life. Some parents are not so good at seeing that their grown up children still need them.

PositivePrana Fri 14-Oct-11 23:28:58

Thanks Trois it is always good to get another view point, I guess that is why you post.
The only thing is that when I got together with DH I was still very close to my Dad, I went on holiday with him, had lunch with him every week, saw him most weekends, had Sunday lunch with him, organised his birthday parties every year etc.
But now, none of these things are welcomed as his life is full again! So, I still made room in my life for him but now there seems to be no room in his for us!
I am close to my SD even though he doesn't live near and have tried with my SM but there is not even a decade of an age difference so relationship is kinda awkward.

Beamur Fri 14-Oct-11 23:32:14

My SM is 2 years older than me. Ewww.
You must be feeling pretty sidelined right now - it must be harder if you previously had such a close relationship and now it has changed.

troisgarcons Fri 14-Oct-11 23:42:29

Well, I suppose I might have been pretty miffed if my father had further children - the GD was enough to cope with - but she's a lovely young woman now!

He did do something that fair broke my heart at the time but I understand now. We're 'immigrants' to the UK - he went home - that destroyed me that he'd spent 40 years in this country and I was brought up here - and he took himself off half a world away. He went home to die. Stupid thing is, when the time comes, I'll (hopefully) do the same. It absolutely crucified me at the time. 10 years down the line, I understand that pull to go home.

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