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to want to lie to this woman because I am a complete wimp?

(56 Posts)
littlemisssarcastic Thu 13-Oct-11 22:59:08

A mum I have become friendly with wants DD and I to go swimming with her and her DC.
I don't want to go, I have spent weeks making excuses not to go, but it hasn't had the desired effect...which is to get her to stop asking me. sad

I am not even sure I like this woman anymore. I haven't been friendly with her for long, yet she tells me how to live my life. If she is not telling me what I should be doing, she is explaining how she is sick of listening to this friend, that friend or the other friend because none of them do as she thinks they should do. She is either desperate to know how much some friends husbands are earning (Doesn't interest me) or she is helping friends by telling them what a waste of oxygen their partners are. (People in greenhouses shouldn't throw stones comes to mind as far as she is concerned.) or she is telling people how they should live their lives.

She has also proper laughed out loud at me when I was telling her some problems I was having. I tried and tried, but could not see the funny side. I was telling her I was having some money difficulties, to the point that I could not sleep and thought I was going to lose my house.

Anyway, I have always been friendly with her, but her DP was out of work for a while and she hardly saw anyone. She spent months and months while he was unemployed not even texting or speaking to her friends. Suddenly, he has got a job, and now works at the weekend, so she is free to do stuff again, as in the swimming.

I feel like I have been dropped while her DP is around, and now I am being picked back up again so I can take her and her DC swimming.

Because of her DP's irregular working pattern, she no longer invites anyone back to hers, she invites herself to everyone elses (I'm inviting myself to yours for tea and chat.) because her DP might turn up at home. All her friends seem to be second thoughts all of the time, yet she relies on her friends to take her wherever she needs to go, because her DP doesn't want to take her.

I suppose I am just tired of her overbearing personality and her gripes about other peoples lives and partners, and I don't want the barrage of questions about why I don't want to do XYZ...because I bloody don't....I don't want to take you to town only for you to spend the whole time on the phone asking your DP what he wants and then telling me we're going to this shop/that shop the other shop to get what your DP wants, as well as you giving me a running commentary on what I should be buying/thinking/doing etc etc because your DP can't be arsed to get out of bed and go to the shops with you. I don't want to listen to hours and hours of your opinions on other peoples partnerships, only to finish every bloody sentence with My DP might be selfish/lazy/meanspirited/impatient/verbally abusive/controlling/disrespectful but he's not as bad as Friend A's DP. I wouldn't put up with him, I'd tell him to get lost etc etc etc

How the hell do I distance myself from this woman without appearing rude or cold? <<Trying to do this the nice way first>>

I have been told I am going swimming with her this weekned and I wont be letting her down will I?
Of course I said Nooooooooo, I wont let you down...It's a date.

Now I am spending every waking moment thinking of how to get out of it for the umpteenth time. btw, she asked me this morning.

Any thoughts??

doinmummy Thu 13-Oct-11 23:06:06

She sounds awful...send her a text saying you wont be going swimming.Dont explain. If she asks why just say you cant go and leave it at that. You are not obliged to give her an explanation.

littlemisssarcastic Thu 13-Oct-11 23:06:44

BTW, the telling lies bit was about thinking of yet another excuse as to why I can't go swimming this weekend??

I do see my family most weekends, but friend has made it very clear that I am expected to drop that to take her and her DC swimming. Apparently it will be good for DD and I am not doing her any favours if I don't take her. sad

Clearly I have a neon sign on my forehead which says 'Tell me how to parent my child'

littlemisssarcastic Thu 13-Oct-11 23:07:38

doinmummy That sounds simple enough. I know she will keep asking though. She will ask and ask and ask. sad

TheBestWitch Thu 13-Oct-11 23:09:52

Do you live with your dc's dad? Is he at home at the weekend? If so I would just say that weekends aren't good for you cos the kids like to spend time with their dad.
Other than that I would just keep not being able to make a lot of the things she tries to railroad you into. Then she will eventually find someone else to ask hopefully.

TheBestWitch Thu 13-Oct-11 23:10:52

If she keeps asking just ignore her. She sounds weird.

groak Thu 13-Oct-11 23:11:15

Text her 'I can't make swimming and I'll get in touch to let you know when I can' and then turn off your phone

ScarahStratton Thu 13-Oct-11 23:11:25

How the hell do I distance myself from this woman without appearing rude or cold? <<Trying to do this the nice way first>>

You can't. People with skins like rhinos need to be told bluntly, otherwise they just ignore you and carry on as usual.

Just tell her you don't want to go swimming, and leave it at that. If she invites herself round, tell her it's inconvenient. Don't make excuses, just say no.

doinmummy Thu 13-Oct-11 23:12:18

You need to be firm, easier said then done I know. Text and say you are not going ,then dont reply to her any more. Do it now! I dare you! Or give me her number and I'll do it for you !

Purplegirlie Thu 13-Oct-11 23:16:01

I too would text her and say you won't be going, and leave it at that. You don't owe her any explanations. She sounds a pain, and just the sort of friend you'd be best off running a mile from.

littlemisssarcastic Thu 13-Oct-11 23:19:38

Thebestwitch I am a single mum (with my own transport to take her where she wants to go)
Groak I like that idea. blush

Scarah I think I am going to text her to tell her what Groak suggested.

I feel bad because she has asked me so many times, and every single time, I make an excuse. I have actually agreed to go this excuses...and now I am going to let her down again. I feel bad about it.

I can't avoid her for long. Our DC go to the same nursery and she waits outside for me and quizzes me infront of other parents.

I want to hide away in my house. sad

doinmummy I'm going to text her and wont reply whatever she says, but am abit concerned about what she will say when I next see her waiting for me outside nursery. sad

pigletmania Thu 13-Oct-11 23:21:04

YANBU she sounds ghastly. Just say no your busy, and don't have much to do with her, don't reply to her texts and eventually she will get the message. As others have said on here, no is a complete sentence.

littlemisssarcastic Thu 13-Oct-11 23:21:04

Thanks Purplegirlie.

I have always had problems with people who don't take a strong hint.

I'm glad I posted this now. I am rubbish in these situations. sad

I will text her.

Cheeseandharps Thu 13-Oct-11 23:21:37

Text her and say you're busy. No explanation and turn your phone off. I'm not saying you're a doormat OP, but you will be if you let her dictate your life for you.

pigletmania Thu 13-Oct-11 23:22:07

I am afraid you will have to distance yourself and you will look a bit cold but thats the only way imo.

Cheeseandharps Thu 13-Oct-11 23:22:37

Cross-posted, you're not rubbish, you're kind and people like her take advantage of that.

pigletmania Thu 13-Oct-11 23:22:57

If you don't like this woman and don't want a friendship than imo you really should not care how you come across.

littlemisssarcastic Thu 13-Oct-11 23:23:42

piglet She is rather ghastly. It has taken me a few weeks to realise she is like this. She is an expert on everything apparently. hmm

She told someone else that they hadn't grieved properly because she had never seen them crying.

<<hopes she's not a mnetter now because she would surely recognise herself by now>>

littlemisssarcastic Thu 13-Oct-11 23:25:13

Cheeseandharps I find I end up feeling used and humiliated by people like this because I don't draw up boundaries. I just end up doing the shitty thing.....going out and driving away first thing in the morning. sad

cjbartlett Thu 13-Oct-11 23:25:19

Well why did you say you'd go? Do you hate swimming? I'd go this once as you e said you would and then don't arrange anything after that

Just say 'we'll see' if she suggests anything or 'no I can't do that'

pigletmania Thu 13-Oct-11 23:25:35

Bloody hell don't let her dictate to you. I would just text her saying that you are not going swimming something has come up, and go out and do something nice that day.

littlemisssarcastic Thu 13-Oct-11 23:27:29

cjbartlett I kind of felt railroaded into it IYSWIM. I was in a rush and she asked DD if she'd like to go swimming...DD said yes and this woman told me we'd go and told me I'd not be letting her down or making excuses this time. I just meekly nodded and said ok. Oh I could kick myself now. sad

BustersOfDoom Thu 13-Oct-11 23:28:13

I would just say 'sorry no can do, I have other commitments this weekend, month, year, decade, will have to catch up with you another time'

She does not need to know what the 'commitments' are! But if she does ask just say in a semi-flustered way 'oh just family/school/work/house/kids stuff, so busy right now, you know how it is, speak soon'

And repeat ad finitum. Job done!

thenightsky Thu 13-Oct-11 23:28:32

Tell her you've got an <whisper> infection and won't be going swimming for a long time.

If she quizzes you, just gulp and mumble that you don't want to discuss it.

Then wipe a tear away.


AmorYCohetes Thu 13-Oct-11 23:30:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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