to think that my friends/ neighbours behaviour towards my dc is petty and childish?

[AnxiousElephant]

Continuing from the thread about me not collecting her ds from nursery because dd2 was unwell and her irritation regarding this yesterday.
We live almost opposite each other on the edge of a small grassed area.
Prior to the incident yesterday when I couldn't collect her ds due to my dd2 being ill, all the dcs spend dry days wondering freely between our houses. Today my dd1 and 2, age 3 and 5 were playing at the front of the house and naturally ran to play with her ds aged 3. They went towards the house (a mutual friend was inside with her ds too) and followed her ds in. Later my dcs came back out and then the gate was padlocked so they could not go in to play, I could hear my dd2 asking to go in and play and she couldn't understand why she couldn't so she watched from the other side of the fence where her 2 friends played I heard both the boys try to undo the gate, saying they couldn't get out to be with dd.

Fair enough to have a gripe with me but is there any reason to take it out on 2 small children whom she supposedly likes
Later her ds came out of the garden looking for my dds but they had gone to another friends house to play (dd1 had seen her friend and went to ask her mum if she could come over to ours but they ended up staying! Before I get flamed for not supervising! or palming them off which I don't do ) so he clearly wanted to be with them and I had to tell him that I was sorry but they were out
AIBU?

[AnxiousElephant]

thought the back story would be helpful
Here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1320011-to-expect-my-GF-to-clarify-first-thing-in-the-morning-if-I-am-picking-up-her-ds-from-pre-school

[squeakytoy]

How old was the friends child? perhaps they didnt want him wandering off?

Or perhaps they thought your child may still be contagious.

[Marymaryalittlecontrary]

I think you need to teach your children that they can't always go into their friend's house, and that when the gate is shut that means his mummy doesn't want other children there and they should accept that. I don't think there's any harm in them learning that sometimes they have to stay by their own house.

[Bogeymanface]

Or perhaps she is a stroppy immature cow and you should say NO the next time she asks for a favour!

[Bogeymanface]

Mary, I agree with your point. Although I suspect that in this case, the mother was being deliberately nasty.

[chickentikkatellmethetruth]

Maybe she doesn't feel like she can take on the responsibility of looking after a 3 and a 5 year old without prior warning anymore?

I know this is beside the point and I'll probably be flamed by loads of laissez faire mumsnetters for being PFB but I wouldn't be letting my three year old go wandering around from house to house without close supervision. What if you assumed she was with a neighbour and she wasn't?

[AnxiousElephant]

I can see her from my windows, there is no road, just grass and a small contained car park at the other end of the grass. I am also blessed with very sensible children. I think my point was more that before the incident all was very laissez faire between us. I would check that mine were there and she would do likewise when her ds was at mine and we would agree to locus parentis whichever house they were in and keep watch for them coming out of the house/ have coffee in one house or the other. Now she padlocks my dds out of the garden Is it necessary to prevent children who like each others company from playing together just because of a row between mums? Well not even a row! I just thought it was really mean and her ds was just as upset as my dds . If my dds had been here when he came over later I would have allowed him in to play - I don't believe in discriminating against the child because a disagreement I've had.

[AnxiousElephant]

Mary my children are very well aware of social ettiquette and that they can't always go into someones house - they were playing in the garden with a mutual friends child. We have an agreement that if we don't want them in we usually tell each other. Her ds does the same as my dds i.e. if I have the door open he comes in, I let her know he is with me etc.

[JellyMould]

It does sound petty, but I think you're better talking to her direct about the situation.

[Groovee]

Reading the other thread, why did you not contact your friend? Why did you phone the preschool instead of her? I'd be annoyed with you too if you hadn't taken 2 minutes to contact me instead of the preschool.

[MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll]

I think you need to adopt a less casual approach to your DC playing at neighbours homes. At 3 (ad arguablly 5) they are far too small to wander over to the neighbours.

Playing should be pre-arranged when they are this small. At 7 plus, it is more reasonable to allow this freedom.

[Icelollycraving]

Personally I think children that age do need proper supervision,not just thinking you know where they are. Don't mention the locked gate. She could have locked it to prevent unwell children spreading their germs to hers or may just be pissed off. Whatever her reasons,I wouldn't be asking or I think you will get into a nasty row that is unnecessary.

[Hopton]

OP, I'm not saying at all that this is the case with your children, (I couldn't possibly as I don't know them!) But we have a similar arrangement with a neighbour's children, playing in each other's houses and gardens. Problem is that her two are naturally more dominant than mine, and if my two have other friends in for tea and a play, I now can't have the neighbour's kids in too as they take over. They tend to monopolise my children's friends so MY two are left out in their own house!

My youngest who is 7 finds this particularly upsetting, and playdates have gone much more smoothly since I started saying No to the other two. We don't need the stress.

[tulipgrower]

YABU

1. If your kid is so sick you can't pickup her kid, then your kid is too sick to play with her kid. ( and a padlock will prevent the germs being spread to her kid)
   
   
2. her kid has a visitor already, it's reasonable of her to expect/want her child to play with that kid, rather than with yours
   
   We have a similar situation as Hopton, one of the neighbours kids is very dominating. She upsets the dynamics when we have quieter kids visiting, so on those days our gate is locked. (Even if the neighbours kid and DS1 beg for her to be let in, it's not fair on the visiting kid.)
   
   
3. can't your neighbour randomly, on occasion, have a right to her privacy, i.e. be allowed to padlock her gate, and therefore not have 2 extra kids to worry about?
   
   
4. perhaps the gate was locked to prevent the kids getting out?
   
   
5. I would be equally pissed off with you in this situation, and maybe she just wants a break from you and yours for today? A day or two not playing with each other won't hurt the kids.
   
   Read your other thread - why didn't you call her??

[OneNerveAndYouAreOnIt]

I am also blessed with very sensible children

wow at 2 & 3?

hmm

[OneNerveAndYouAreOnIt]

sorry misread ages

still even so ....

[AnxiousElephant]

The visitor was a good friend of us both, not exclusive and before all this we would all have been chatting together and all the dcs would play together. She thinks nothing of bringing her child to mine with a nasty cough and indeed brought him over for me to care for him for a full day while she was working a couple of weeks ago. The children don't wander, they are at a house and then if they go outside we let each other know that they are and watch each others dc usually.
Regarding the not phoning her - she works on a checkout so isn't allowed calls at work. I did the next best thing of contacting pre-school to ask them what she had said. They said they would phone the DH if there was a problem, which there was.
Regarding my child being ill - yes she was when I made the appointment and then in the usual child way was fine later, things do change obviously. The incident was the day before this one and clearly she had started feeling better.
The space between my house and hers is the length of a medium sized back garden - so hardly roaming, with just a footpath in the middle.
I watch from my windows just the same as you would into a garden.

[AnxiousElephant]

Errr, yes I am blessed with very sensible children who have never run into the road or attempted to cross without looking (obviously I am there supervising still) .

[Hullygully]

I've read your other thread and imo you should have made absolutely sure she knew you were changing the arrangements.

Equally, she is mad to lock the gate.

[pinkdelight]

Perhaps she's read your thread?

[AnxiousElephant]

No you are probably right, I have looked after her ds at short notice all day on my weekend, fed him, given lifts to and from work, babysat in the evening for her to work, washed dishes to save her doing it when she got back, so yes clearly an awful friend. When she looked after my dds before I could get childcare sorted for 2 days I offered to pay and she took the money but yet she has never offered nor would I take it, because helping is what you do for friends. Obviously I am not in the habit of changing plans at short notice but on this occasion it was unavoidable. The pre-school said that they would phone her DH, which naturally I thought was fine and he could have phoned her.
I have to say that she did similar to me albeit with a few days notice of cancelling, so I had to arrange alternative care for a hospital appointment ( and no I didn't do this out of revenge incase that is your next attack!) so I fail to see how she can be so up in arms about this. Locking the dds out is just really petty and uncalled for imo, it wasn't because of her ds catching things because she thinks nothing of letting her ds come to mine with a chest infection/ snotty nose (not that I mind anyway as it is inevitable children will catch things) and it wasn't because of the 'visitor' because the lady in question is a good friend of mine and our older dds are good friends, usually all 3 of the younger children play together in and just outside the garden.

[MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll]

I know you say they are not allowed calls at work...but if you had explained it was about the child, they would certanly have got her to the phone.Equally if you are meant to collect her son, you should have contact details for her husband. It's not a god arrangement because there was no fall-back plan.

[AnxiousElephant]

The thing is that she knows I do the school run so should know to phone before 830am. If she had done this then I would have asked her for the other friends number as a backup but she didn't phone to ask how my dd was so I didn't get her call and then I was in town with a flat battery, delayed going to the supermarket/ seeing friend who was emigrating and putting shopping away, sick child needed attending to, so I forgot to check my phone when I eventually got in at 1330, saw her husband and explained dd wasn't well and might need to go to the docs and he said he didn't know what was happening either, so I feel communication could have been better all round and feel annoyed that she is laying the blame entirely on me. I took the booster seat and then realised that it would be a nightmare dragging 4 children to the surgery which is when I phoned pre-school and expected them to say ok we can phone df2 to collect, but she hadn't given that instruction - just said DH would have to collect. Thats what happened.
I suppose I also feel irked that I have saved her lots on childcare already and still pay for my own even while off sick because I want to keep my registered childcare, her bill will be 3 pounds whereas mine is 350 per month! as I don't continually rely on friends to do it.