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To not want ex husband to stay at my house?

(65 Posts)
mrscturner Thu 13-Oct-11 12:59:40

Bit of A packed post as I don't want to drip feed.

Long story short - was married to exh for nine years and we have one ds who is nine. Exh and I had a completely sexless marriage, the last timewe slept together was when ds was conceived. Really shouldn't have married him but I did for very long and complicated reasons.

We got on ok for the sake of ds, but being with someone I didn't like for all those years (he's very condescending, mean, arrogant, constantly made me feel inferior, eroded my self esteem and made me feel worthless) almost drove me insane.

Anyhow, I met my now dp out of the blue last year and it was like my life started again. Exh and I divorced and I moved away with ds to my 'home' city where dp was living to move in with dp. Ds adores dp and is very settled and happy.

We moved in august. Exh owned the 'marital' home, it was all in his name so he was keeping hold of it while he decided what to do (it's not something I want to fight over, it's in a place I hated living and there is no equity anyway). The plan was for him to move to the city I had as that's where the majority of his work is when he's not working abroad. He has since changed his mind as he wanted to move back to Manchester as all his friends live there. Although, now he had met a woman where he's living at the moment, so who knows.

Anyway so we have an arrangement were he has ds every other weekend. Exh mostly takes him to the other side of the country to stay with his family or friends on those weekends. When he does, he usually expects to come here and stay at my house on a Friday night so he can head of with ds on the sat morning to save having to double back on himself and spend more petrol money.

He's done this about five times since we moved and it's really beginning to piss me off. It's so awkward. Exh was vile to me and although dp is civil to him for the sake of ds, he witnessed some quite nasty behaviour and tbh doesn't want ex h in our house.

Ex h is pleading poverty (despite going to see friends 200 miles away and get drunk on the weekends doesn't have ds and boasting about the places he's been with his new partner) and says the only way he couldn't stay here is if I payed for petrol for him or payed for a hotel. At the moment I am on benefits (trying to find work, but when we were together exh didn't want me to work and tbh made me feel to stupid too) and I just cannot afford to. As far as I knew, exh was going to move to the area I am now living fairly fast so he would be near ds.

He's also holding ds maintainance over me. He has a warped sense of entitlement as as he sees it he's 'contributing' to the rent.

I don't know what to do. If I don't let him stay he'll start saying that I am restricting his access to ds which I'm not. I will happily let him take ds tomorrow after school for the weekend but I don't feel comfortable with him staying here.

The last time he stayed, dp and I went to a friends house for the evening and dh proceeded to tell mutual friends about how dp and I couldn't wait to get out and get a break from ds. He also snooped though my paperwork to find out what benefits I was recieving (he's not good at covering his tracks and knows things he'd never know unless he'd read letters from the council).

I really don't know what to do.

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 13-Oct-11 13:01:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Georgimama Thu 13-Oct-11 13:04:07

Tell him he can't stay - if he can afford piss ups with his mates he can afford a travel lodge. What do you mean by "holding ds maintenance over me"? He is supposed to be contributing to housing, feeding and clothing his child. That is what maintenance is for. If he says he is contributing to your rent just say "yep". Get onto CSA if he isn't paying up.

BlueCat2010 Thu 13-Oct-11 13:04:35

Would you DP take the 'blame' as it were. I'm thinking you can say something on the loines of 'sorry, but DP doesn't want you staying here and it is their house so I have no say'. Problem solved!

HerScaryness Thu 13-Oct-11 13:06:00

This decision is not purely yours anymore, your DP has a say.

He's been at your home before and abused the privilege. Tell him that your home is not available any more.

HIS finances are not your responsibility, does he even pay child maintenance?

You are not restricting his access to spend time with you DC, but you are restricting your Ex access to your home.

duvetdayplease Thu 13-Oct-11 13:06:06

YA absolutely, 100% NBU.

He won't like it, but there is no way he needs to be in your home.

You are not restricting his access. You are respecting yourself.

NatashaBee Thu 13-Oct-11 13:07:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allibaba Thu 13-Oct-11 13:07:58

Complete agree with all the above! To quote Judge Judy the maintenance is to be spent on your child as how you see fit, its not up to the ex partner and cannot be used for whatever they want - you are the primary care giver.

He can't stay over any more and go to the CSA.

HerScaryness Thu 13-Oct-11 13:08:06

Bluecat, good tactic, but it doesn't solve the problem, it means OP wimping out of putting this guy in his rightful place.

Keep it simple, keep it cool. 'That doesn't work for us' over and over and over again, and the odd <shrug> now and again... grin

ImperialBlether Thu 13-Oct-11 13:15:18

This is one of those occasions where a text or email works best.

"Sorry, Bastard, you staying overnight isn't working out. I don't like people abusing my hospitality. In future you'll need to make other arrangements. This won't affect your right to see X."

mrscturner Thu 13-Oct-11 13:16:32

He does pay maintenance. Private arangement of 15% of his salary. Which he keeps telling me is above and beyond. At first he enter receipts for everysingke penny if it. He didn't want it to be used for anything but ds, ie only food for ds not me etc. Not for rent, bills or anything. He only backed down when his own solicitor told him that it was the most ludicrous thing he'd ever heard.

I'm terrified of saying no incase he goes after custody of ds and says that I have been restricting access.

He sent me a text asking if he could stay and I hesitated and he called me and started shouting that ifhe couldnt then he wouldn't be able to see ds this weekend and tha it would be my fault. Also that I had caused it by wanting to move ds 200 miles away.

I could say dp said no, but I don't want ex h to start saying dp is stopping him seeing ds. I'm so stuck.

Dp has been great but we argued about it this morning, it makes him feel so uncomfortable having ex h here which makes me feel like shit. I promised dp this weekend would be the last time.

Ex h has also started talking about wanting to stay one night every other week if hes working in the city.

BertieBotts Thu 13-Oct-11 13:19:29

Just say no - what does it matter if he says you are restricting his access? You are not. If you are worried he will tell others you are, don't be - if they are really concerned, they can always ask you.

Inertia Thu 13-Oct-11 13:22:00

YANBU. Your Ex has no rights- either financial or moral-over your house. He is not 'contributing to the rent', he is paying to provide for his son- which means that his son is entitled to stay in your house.

Your DP sounds extraordinarily patient to have put up with this so far. If it were a case of amicably helping each other out that'd be different- but instead your Ex has made financial threats, snooped in your confidential documents and behaved badly towards you in your own home. You don't have to allow this. You need to provide Ex with access to your son, which you are doing. You don't have to provide him with access to you, your home, your DP or your financial affairs. If he is mucking you about with maintenance then you might have to involve the CSA (perhaps wise anyway given the benefit claim, to make sure everything is processed correctly?)

BertieBotts Thu 13-Oct-11 13:23:20

No court in the land would accept his version of you "restricting access" blindly without asking your side of the story, and no court would say that you are restricting it - DS is still available for him to see, just not there, you've even offered to change the days to give him chance to make other arrangements. You have the absolute right to refuse entry to your home. He doesn't live there.

Do it via email and then if he does choose to take it to court, you have a record of what you have said.

squeakytoy Thu 13-Oct-11 13:25:59

just say no, tough shit.

you are not restricting access, and no judge in the land would expect you to allow your ex to sleep under your roof if it was against your wishes, as it the property is nothing at all to do with him..

luckily your boy is old enough to understand too and cant be brainwashed by your ex into believing that you are the one putting up barriers..

Inertia Thu 13-Oct-11 13:26:30

Cross-post- you don't have to let him stay this weekend because he's threatened you again!

He can talk all he likes about staying at yours midweek too. Talk back- tell him to fuck off there is no chance.

When he says you are restricting access you don't have to believe him! You are allowing him access to your son. But what your Ex wants is control over your life and your relationship with DP- sounds as though he's getting it.

PrivateBenjamin Thu 13-Oct-11 13:28:23

I can't believe the nerve of the man! Receipts?!

He has NO RIGHTS whatsoever to stay in your house. Just say "No". Don't allow him to bully you anymore, it sounds like he did that enough when you were together. You left him (well done btw), don't allow him to have any more say over you life.

He is prying through your private letters! What more evidence do you need that he is not a suitable house guest? He could put hidden cameras up, or a key logger on your computer.

Also, go through the CSA regarding maintenance, there is no point having a gentleman's agreement with him, he's not a gentleman.

Sewmuchtodo Thu 13-Oct-11 13:28:24

Tell him no. Simple.

You are not restricting his access by not allowing him to stay overnight, and no court would think you were. Just because he didn't 'abuse' you when you were together does not mean he didn't leave you feeling low, worthless, stupid and inferior, all your words.

He is continuing to do this now and that is not acceptable. Don't allow this man to hold onto the control he feels he had over you as your husband.

Maintenance is there to provide for your DS... that includes bills, rent etc. Your Exh feels he is losing control (and hates that)... HE IS, thats the whole point!

GreenBlueRed Thu 13-Oct-11 13:31:00

Send an email so you have a record, include the information about not restricting access, and tell him that staying in your home is inappropriate. You have proof in case you need it for the future. He would have to pay 15% of his salary through CSA so withdrawing money is no threat. It is his choice to see your ds or not, you are not stopping him. You've done really well so far at getting rid of this bastard, a few more tiny steps and you'll be there.

ColdToast Thu 13-Oct-11 13:32:34

Tell him no and keep repeating until he gets the message.

He doesn't have a hope in hell of convincing a judge that you are restricting access by refusing to let him use your home as his own private hotel.

He's trying to control you via his maintenance payments. If he continues to do so then let the CSA handle it.

pinkdelight Thu 13-Oct-11 13:33:15

He sounds like an arse and am sure YANBU to not want him in the house, but I can also see that it's very tricky when you've moved away with DS. That was your decision and it does make life difficult for your ex - don't know if I'm right, but certainly my Judge Judy viewing tells me that it's not always allowed for the custodial parent to move the child away from where they've been living if the ex doesn't support the decision. Anyway, all I'm saying is that arse though he is, this situation is kind of your doing so it's not unreasonable of him to look to you for a solution. Hope you can work it out amicable somehow.

pinkdelight Thu 13-Oct-11 13:36:58

Also, though I don't doubt it's all true from your POV, I'm wary of taking your side totally as of course you're going to list all his failings, but really, to say your DS adores your DP and is so happy with the new set-up... I dunno... it just doesn't chime with my experience of divorce and its effect on kids. Great that he's coping so well, but surely he must miss his dad who must also have some decent qualities? Just feels a bit unbalanced.

mrscturner Thu 13-Oct-11 13:38:05

I know I need to stand up to him. It's just so hard after so many years if being spoken down to all the time.

What he has been holding over me is the fact that I was the one who took ds to live 200 miles away.

He's told me that his solicitor said that a) he should have not allowed it and b) that I should bear half the travel costs or drop off/pick up ds half the time or half the way.

When I told ex h I couldn't do it as we are on benefits until I can find a job and dp finishes uninand gets a job (dp is a full time mature student in the last year of a really full on course) he started saying that if I couldn't spare £40 every two weeks to contribute to his petrol then he has grave concerns about how I can afford to look after ds and maybe he shouldn't be living with me.

I know he's controlling me still. I feel so crap for dp too.

Exh is an old hand at making ds feel sorry for him and turn against me. I know if I didn't let him stay he'd tell ds it was all my fault he didn't see him or that he only saw him for one night.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 13-Oct-11 13:39:05

What ImperialBlether said. Or similar by e-mail. Include that it is not restricting access and he wouldn't be able to make that cheap shot.

This is not about access, this is about controlling you. DO NOT COMPLY.

WinterIsComing Thu 13-Oct-11 13:39:55

ExH is being VVU and a CC to boot.

You and DP sound lovely. Hope you get this sorted.

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