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AIBU?

to be so upset/ incensed

49 replies

HormonallyMine · 13/10/2011 06:06

I have 2 DC's and am 7 months pregnant with the 3rd. I work part time and am actively involved in a charity, DC1 is SN, DC2 is sickly and has just come out of hospital and sleep deprivation is getting to me.

Last night, DH, who is a high flyer, went out after work and got in around 1am. DC2 requires medicating and feeding in the night and it now appears, that apparently, there was an unspoken agreement that i do all the night time looking after that i had no idea existed. At 4 am, exhausted by both children, i went and found DH in the spare room and told him i was exhausted and it was his turn. Half an hour later, i could still hear the baby crying and went to investigate. DH hadn't given his medicine or his milk and the poor little thing was crying. "I didn't know" despite having done it hiself two nights previously. "Why did you wake me up, night time is your responsibility". So, a full scale row which, i'm embarrassed to say i ended with telling him to fuck off and i was going to call a lawyer first thing today.

To not drip feed, we're not particularly happy but i want to keep the family together as he is usually a good father.

I'm just so angry that he thought his needs completely outshine mine because he goes to an office. I am beyond exhausted and just don't get any recognition for it.

OP posts:

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ToothbrushThief · 13/10/2011 06:13

HM - don't be embarassed about telling him to fuck off. Best move you made

You do need to sit down when you have uninterrupted time (hard probably) and tell him that all workers get time off. He cannot expect you to be a 'night worker' and not sleep in the day. He needs to try your life for a short time.

Tell him something has to change. You are both parents. He cannot expect his life to not change. He has to muck in and since you both cover daytime jobs he needs to take a turn and make sure you can sleep at night.

Don't back down.

NunTheWiser · 13/10/2011 06:21

YANBU. It is unacceptable for one parent to pick and choose the parts of the job they feel like doing. It's not your fault or the kids' fault that he felt rubbish because he's been out all night. He either mucks in or contracts out some of his childcare responsibilities by paying someone to help you.
You cannot do it all.

ihatethecold · 13/10/2011 06:26

I agree. Sounds like you reallyhave your hands full. We all say things like this in the heat of the moment. But please follow it up, i
Is there any chance of respite care for? Dontrush into splitting up, life will become even more complicated and you will be more resentful as it may seem you really have been left holding the baby.
Youneed a big hug ! [hug]

HormonallyMine · 13/10/2011 06:28

I do have a nanny that helps so that i can go to work, but not so that i can sleep.

One reason why i'm so upset is that his attitude just seems so uncaring and 1950's. He doesn't recognise what i do, or as my new career is starting to make ground doesn't like it that i have a possible financial independence.

OP posts:

HormonallyMine · 13/10/2011 06:30

Time for a cup of tea with sugar (wishes for gin) and then to get on with it. He's left for the day.

OP posts:

blackeyedsusan · 13/10/2011 07:13

if you managed not to do him physical injury at the point he told you nighttimes were your job you are doing well [hgrin]

why not just announce to him some random thing that has now become his job... after all if he can do it to you, you can do it to him. you could also become too exhausted to do anything that is solely for his benefit.

NunTheWiser · 13/10/2011 07:15

So, you've got to manage all the childcare, health and home stuff and a job while he goes off to work, goes out after work, wanders in at 1am, does nothing to help overnight, then disappears first thing in the morning. Tell us again how he manages to be a good father if he leaves all the crap bits of parenting to you?

MrsBloodyTroll · 13/10/2011 07:17

YANBU.

I don't have any SN or medication to deal with here, and only 2 DCs, but DH had agreed to get up in the night if DC1 wakes (DC2 is a newborn) and he has in the past week reverted to not getting up for her. So I was up at 2.30 with DC2, 3.30 with DC1 and 4.30 with DC2, then pretty much awake for the day.

Ok, he has to go to work, I'm a SAHM, but I am literally running on empty (and more caffeine than I should be ingesting when breastfeeding) after several nights in a row like this. And I don't get a break at weekends any more (as originally agreed) because he is working at weekends too in order to keep up.

I really do feel that in the current economy our men are being overworked but it's the wives who are bearing the brunt f it at home.

LoveBeingAWitch · 13/10/2011 07:19

Completely agree with everyone else, you must have really hit that wall to think that he was going to be any use after going out which I am assuming also meant drinking?

How long have things been bad? If you are 7 months pg is it a new thing? Could it be related to the new baby?

LoveBeingAWitch · 13/10/2011 07:20

Mrsbloodytroll - are you my sock puppet ditto every word, in fact last dh went to sleep in the sofa at 3am, although he did make me a chops first.

NinkyNonker · 13/10/2011 07:41

I am totally with Nun.

Andrewofgg · 13/10/2011 07:43

The words Get your finger out of your arsehole have a satisfactory ring and come straight to mind.

Grumpla · 13/10/2011 07:45

What they said.

Your DH is being a dick. Hope you get some support soon, you deserve it.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 13/10/2011 07:48

He is being an idiot. I'm a SAHM and DH shares the night wakings because between the boys there are so many of them.

MrsSnaplegs · 13/10/2011 07:56

He is being an arse. I work FT in a "high powered" job DH is SAHD
I do all night wakings for both DC as I know DH does not do well without sleep an his patience is low in day if he is tired
I am better at surviving on broken sleep, DS 10months - haven't had more than 3 or 4 nights unbroken sleep in 10 months.
So yes tell him he needs to help

Rikalaily · 13/10/2011 08:14

I would have told him alot more than fuck off, I think you were very restrained. Children are 50/50 responsibility and even moreso as you are pregnant, what a selfish arse!

Tell him he gets all the night duties for the next 2 weeks, you need your rest, you are baking his baby.

mumofthreekids · 13/10/2011 08:22

Agree with everyone else.

I do just wonder if he thought that you woke him to "punish" him for getting in late, rather than because you were genuinely exhausted? That might be why he was so U?

slavetofilofax · 13/10/2011 09:16

You need to have an open discussion, because you are obviously struggling to cope with working, doing charity work, and looking after two children with extra needs. Something has to give.

Personally, I don't think that men who work full time and have a SAHP should have to do the night waking except for the odd occasion and a night at the weekend. But if you are working too, and therfore contributing to the family finances, you need to find a solution that works. Arguing with eachother isn't going to solve anything.

I think with both of you doing so much work, you either (both) need to reduce your hours, or get extra childcare.

EllaDee · 13/10/2011 09:38

Sorry to be blunt, but what would he do if you fell under a bus?

If he is so clueless he does not know to feed and medicate his screaming child, there is a problem. I agree you really need to talk this one through and get rid of any 'unspoken' arrangements. If you both work, plainly you need to be doing equal amounts of childcare and housework. It is a no-brainer ideal position to start from when you talk to him.

I hope you can get this sorted out.

HormonallyMine · 13/10/2011 10:04

Thanks for all the replies. We haven't yet spoken today but will do tonight. We're meant to be going out but i've cancelled as i need to sleep and guess he will too.

Things have been tough but i am to blame as i was a SAHM and have become a little bit addicted to finally getting kudos for working etc. It feels like i'm 'noticeably' achieving. DC1 is copmpletely managable, in mainstream school but has therapy outside school 2ce a week and extra help in school. It does mean extra time for reading etc and i notice that DH doesn't ever do anything to help with helping to get DC1 to the acceptable minimum academic level for the year as by the time he's home it's too late. He puts her to bed 4 times a week so he does put effort in other areas and he also takes her for time to themselves at the w/e., so not a deadbeat.

I think it was a drunken resentful thang and the divorce lawyers won't be rubbing their hands just yet. Blood pressure is up as i'm arond 140/90 at the mo so will need to speak to work about slowing down in prep for the new arrival. Probably best that things are coming to a head now.

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EllaDee · 13/10/2011 10:11

'Things have been tough but i am to blame as i was a SAHM and have become a little bit addicted to finally getting kudos for working etc.'

I don't quite follow this, sorry. Do you mean he would be prepared to cut his hours/concentrate less on his work, but you would not? IMO that is fair enough - yes, it is uneven but I don't think you should blame yourself. Presumably when you were being a SAHM your career was getting less attention, so maybe a change of this sort is healthy.

If you simply mean he's always made his career an important consideration and now you want the same, that is not something to blame yourself for! I bet it's not easy to sort out the balance, but don't start by blaming yourself for wanting to get the same opportunities he's had for longer. You'll end up resenting each other.

Do you think he knows how you feel about your work looking after the children not being appreciated?

larrygrylls · 13/10/2011 10:22

I think this kind of thread totally depends on where the marriage started and what was genuinely agreed between you about sharing work/childcare. If your husband brought a load more wealth into the marriage and you fully intended to be a SAHM from the start, then I think that it is fair that you honour the deal and take responsibility. If you brought roughly the same into the marriage and gave up an equally high flying career to have a family, then it casts things in a completely different light.

On a practical level, it sounds like you are both having a tough time. Can you not get hire someone to help out at night so you can both sleep?

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WilsonFrickett · 13/10/2011 10:29

But have you actually had this conversation, or have you been simmering away gently since you went back to work? Did you sit down and re-negotiate the 'who does what's' when you stopped being a SAHM? You can't expect him to be a mind reader?

OTOH, if you have had the discussion and he was being a drunken arse, that's slightly different from a DH who does nothing. And I think if mine had got in at 1am, been pissed, he could easily have slept through a baby crying and been a bit all over the place when I woke him up screaming like a harridan.

So I think you need to talk! After the first 6 months I didn't take any sleep-deprived arguments to heart (and ours were vicious - but we are both rubbish without sleep).

HormonallyMine · 13/10/2011 10:38

He used to earn more than me when me met but about 50% more. Both of us were in finance. His career as gone stratospheric while mine has changed utterly. Presently he earns about 25 x what i earn but then he is now 'wealthy'. God knows where i would have been but i had the children and really appreciate my new career and charity work as i was always a bit of a leftie at heart.

I think this is the worst of times. He's so used to me being pregnant that it's become the norm. You can't run from a new baby.

x

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EllaDee · 13/10/2011 10:44

You sound very tolerant. I hope you're ok!

IMO the money is just one part of it. If your career is important to you (as it clearly is), he should recognize that IMO. After all, he could not expect to have a 'stratospheric' career and a lovely family without you - if you'd not had the babies and been a SAHM, he'd obviously have lost out. So you do need to talk to him about how you feel here. Your career isn't just a hobby, just as the children aren't just an occasional diversion for him.

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