to feel so disappointed? :-((14 Posts)
My twin dds are 17 months and gorgeous. They are happy and healthy and I love them to bits...but I don't feel as happy as I thought I would. I had a traumatic birth - emergency c-section - and one dd went in intensive care so I had no rest in hospital. My DH has been very practical but emotionally s***, something I have only started to address with him in the past month. I went into shock when we got the twins home and the first 6 months were really hard for us both and he just focussed on himself and how he was struggling. He would have a go at me for crying when I couldn't cope and said he couldn't cope with the 3 of us crying...I felt so alone :-( It has got easier and more fun but I'm back at work now and feel really let down there too. I used to love my job but 3 weeks after I gave birth they told me my job no longer existed and I had to take a demotion or redundancy. I took the demotion and managed to keep my terms and conditions the same. I'm working 4 days per week and expected to do the same job with the same level of responsibility as others of my grade but in less time. I have had no adjustment made in my duties at all other than the fact that I don't work on a Friday. I feel completely undervalued and it's making me really angry which comes out at odd times and is starting to affect my work and homelife. Like most WMs I also run the home and do all the cooking and organising of the dds meals and appointments etc. When I do have some time with my DH or to myself I feel so drained I just end up watching TV, I can't remember the last time I went out and had a really good time with my DH. I feel sad alot and only my dds cheer me up. MY in-laws care for the children 3 days per week and are fantastic but I'm always having a go at them to my DH. I'm overweight and comfort eating regularly and never exercise. I just thought things would be easier by now and I would be getting back to my old/new self but I feel so disappointed. Sorry for the long post, no where else to turn. Any advice gratefully received.
I had a very similar experience to you, but with only one baby. DS is 17 months too and incredible, but every day is a fight to keep going.
I think a lot of the problems come from the shock and trauma of birth and NICU, and then the coming home and adjusting. You don't have a choice, you just get on with it. By the time you realise you were in shock and need help, people think you are ok and coping fine!!!
I have had some counselling and the main piece of advice I can give you is 'Be kind to yourself'. It is very easy to let the guilt of the baby being ill, and dealing with life after that overwhelm your rational thoughts.
I'm sorry I dont have much practical advice, but I'm sure someone will.
Just wanted to tell you there was somenone else who understood.
It does get easier with time, as your DC get older and more independent. You're in a difficult position right now. Your DH sounds unhelpful though, perhaps you could start him helping you little by little, e.g. assign him the dishwashing, or whatever, then take it from there? I think the earlier you set your expectations with him the better, as you'll get stuck in a rut otherwise. Could he be depressed? and or you? I find gentle outdoor exercise, possibly with the DC e.g. a run around in the park, is a great mood lifter, of course it's only possible when you're not working. Perhaps on work days go for a walk in your lunch break? Also try making things easier where possible, have the odd ready meal, perhaps employ a cleaner if that's possible, get your groceries delivered, or whatever little things lighten your load.
Hope you feel better soon.
You have quite a lot on your plate there and I can see why you are feeling overwhelmed. Trying to deal with all of this at once is too much.
Break it down into all the seperate issues and pick the one that is bothering you most. Then lets see what solutions we can come up with for that.
Break it down and step by step see what you can do. Don't be tempted into trying to tackle everything at once.
Also - can you afford a cleaner?
Um, I have a cleaner she is fantastic I couldn't live without her. I do work 8 - 5 Monday to Friday. I think work is bothering me the most tbh. My DH is trying to make up for being useless so at least that is something I've addressed. So I think I need to sort things out at work. I can't afford to drop another day and they won't let me do that long term anyway because I'm a team leader. It's a stressful place to work and it's really getting me down, also a big pile of WM guilt and jealousy of MIL getting to spend the good times with my dds thrown in .
"Like most WMs I also run the home and do all the cooking and organising of the dds meals and appointments etc."
What does your DH contribute?
If he doesn't do any of that, how is he "practical"?
LesserOfTwoWeevils - he does do washing, shopping, washing up etc. he has the girls every Monday and always helps with their bedtime routine. When they were tiny he got their feeds ready, stuff like that really. But he has no system and doesn't follow mine. So he'll do ALL the washing in one day and then have no where to dry it or just leave it in a pile for the cat to sit on for example. He'll go shopping and forget half the things we need so I have to go again the next day. If I mention this to him I'm criticising him - it can be very difficult.
Is there any way you could afford not to work? Downsize or move to a cheaper area?
Do you think you could focus on some of the positives.
You have two lovely dds who both survived and are thriving
You have family close by who help with the childcare
You have a DH who has had a tough time adjusting but has stuck with it
You have a job when unemployment is at its highest for 17 years
You are a team leader and although your company restructured your status rather than your salary was cut.
You have a cleaner to help with the housework
Yes, having a baby is a shock to the system; having two at the same time must be monumental but you could be in that situation as a single parent, unemployed, on benfits and with no family to help.
Give your glass a little swirl have a little think and try to adjust from half empty to half full - please.
Not really Sooty, not in an expensive area and twins to support. ALso don't want to lose my job, just need a better work life balance.
I'm always jumping on these thread with the big D word, but I do think the sense of hopelessness in your post does point to depression. It could be caused by pure physical exhaustion, or another medical problem, but I think it is time to go to the GP and tell her/him how you're feeling. Yes, you have a lot on your plate at the moment, but feeling irrationally angry and snapping at people points to more than just plain tiredness. Take it easy on yourself in the meantime. I only have 1 DS and am a SAHM and I still mostly veg in front of the tv cos I'm bloody knackered!
How about changing your hours to 7-4pm to get out earlier? Or working longer hours on 3 days to get another day off? Or 5 days 7-1pm? Could you work from home? I would just ask and see what you get.
Sooty - thank you I think I'll discuss options at work. Thanks everyone for your kind and thoughtful posts. Food for thought.
Do you have a tumble drier? A small point in the overall scheme of things, but another way in which you could make life a little easier. I struggled on without one for years, then finally went and bought one when DC2 was born, it made such a difference. I also now have several airers and a large capacity washing machine. Most of the time my house looks like a laundry, dried clothes often never get put away, but its easier that way.
If there was any way at all you could cut down your hours at work that would help too.
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