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to think that the word DP was looking for was "sorry", rather than "okay"?

(64 Posts)
TandB Wed 12-Oct-11 21:41:26

I am seeking MN's confirmation that I am not being unreasonable in advance of DP getting home and adopting his usual approach of implying that I am being spectacularly unreasonable and demanding.

DP is not a bit drinker and, to be fair, doesn't go out all that often for purely social reasons. However, at this time of year he does tend to have work drinks/meals at least once a week. On the rare occasions that he does have a reasonable amount to drink he seems to lose the ability to communicate/keep to an arrangement and if I get the hump about it he acts all outraged and indignant as though I am some high-maintenance, domineering hussy. I should say that I have never, ever whinged about him going out or rung demanding that he come home at a certain time, so he really doesn't have much to complain about on that front.

So today he was out all day on a work jolly which was supposed to finish in the afternoon - he was quite clear that he wouldn't be late home and would probably be back before DS and I. DS (2) is fairly dad-obsessed at the moment so I always try to make sure he knows on the way home whether or not DP will be home in time to see him before bed, otherwise we have massive amounts of whinging and "where's my daddy gone?"-ing. Today I had no reason to think DP wouldn't be home so I kept saying 'he'll be back soon'.

DP then rang at about 7.15 (DS usually goes to bed between about 7.30 and 8) to say it had gone on later than expected but he was on his way home. He gave me a very detailed itinerary of his journey and said he would be home about 8.30 so if I kept DS up a little bit late he could still see him briefly before bed. DS was pretty perky so I said this was fine and started an evening of intensive entertaining. DS started getting silly but I stupidly kept thinking DP would be home in a few minutes and it wouldn't be fair to suddenly tell DS he couldn't wait up for his dad after all. 8.30 came and went and DS went into full-on rampage mode. I assumed DP was just a few minutes late. 8.45 came and I decided enough was enough - I couldn't get through to DP and was just about to put DS to bed when I got an urgent call from a colleague. By the time I had finished dealing with that (while following DS around trying to stop him climbing the walls) it was nearly 9.

I rang DP and asked how far away he was because DS really needed to go to bed. He gave me a very convoluted story of trains and lifts to stations that was clearly designed to make me think that he was the victim of circumstances but when I got to the bottom of it, it turned out that he had gone for a drink with a colleague about half-way through the journey and was still about 45 minutes away. They had also got food - I hadn't eaten as I was expecting him home for dinner. When I pointed out that this was information that I could have done with as I could have then put DS to bed at an almost-reasonable time rather than keeping him hanging on in expectation of seeing his dad, all I got was "okay" in response to everything I said. I could almost hear the eye-rolling going on at the other end of the phone.

Now he will come home and be all offended that I could even suggest he has been remotely unreasonable, and it will somehow be presented as me being demanding.

So am I demanding? Or is it entirely reasonable to expect that if someone suggests keeping a 2 year-old up late to see them, they will then phone and retract that suggestion if their train is delayed or if they accidentally fall into a pub and have beer forcibly poured down their throat?

If I had put DS to bed at a normal time I could actually have had a perfectly pleasant evening with a decent meal and a couple of hours to myself to MN get things done. Instead I have had an evening with a rampaging and over-excited toddler, followed by a hasty beans on toast because I was too hungry to cook anything.

I should warn you that I am utterly convinced of my reasonableness and will probably strop and flounce if the MN jury disagrees. grin

TandB Wed 12-Oct-11 21:41:44

Oops. That was long. blush

Lifeissweet Wed 12-Oct-11 21:44:21

YANBU. He's inconsiderate and should apologise.

TandB Wed 12-Oct-11 21:45:34

I think so too.

Excellent. It is unanimous.

[wonders how to close thread while still ahead on the YANBU count]

hairylights Wed 12-Oct-11 21:45:42

Mountain. Molehill.

Yabu as he has previous form.

Hassled Wed 12-Oct-11 21:46:54

YANBU. He's been a complete arse. Your only fault lies in not just putting your DS to bed at 8.30 and/or stalling the colleague's call. But that aside, "OK" is just an absolute bollocks response. I don't think I could bring myself to even speak to DH if he behaved like that - steam would be bellowing from my ears.

Yanbu. But he is drunk and not thinking.

ChippingIn Wed 12-Oct-11 21:48:03

Well I'm not going to disagree with you!! <and not because I'm scared you'll flounce!! (Even though I secretly am!)>

I hate it when people do that. I don't care what time you will be home, but don't say one thing and do another without calling - at least. If this plan involves a small child then just do not deviate from it without giving it great thought and calling.

I would (and have been) livid.

Unfortunately the only thing that changed it was him becoming my Ex - not entirely due to this ... but it was a contributing factor!

mumnotmachine Wed 12-Oct-11 21:48:05

Oooooooohhh can I be first to say it???

Hes a selfish twunt


Inertia Wed 12-Oct-11 21:48:24


DP WBU for 1. suggesting that you keep a 2yo up and entertained at bedtime 2. not being honest and 3. leaving you to face the wrath of a toddler who expects his dad.

We've learned to work on the basis that DH won't be home (usually genuine transport timings/ delays rather than buggering about, to be fair) so if the girls see him before bed it's a bonus- but then they are used to their dad working away. I'd be hitting the roof if DH led me a dance like you've had.

IgnoringTheChildren Wed 12-Oct-11 21:49:58

Well obviously YANBU and your DP definitely is!

TeamDamon Wed 12-Oct-11 21:50:01

While YANBU to expect your DH home when he says he will be, you were a bit daft to keep a two year old up for that long. I don't really get why you just didn't follow your DS's normal routine - if your DP got home in time, great, if not - your DS would have gone to bed settled and not over-tired, and you could have had a decent evening. So you did rather make a rod for your own back.

TandB Wed 12-Oct-11 21:50:28

[decides to assume hairylights is DP's colleague and in the pub with him and therefore obviously would say that] grin

Hassled - not steaming from the ears exactly, just slightly frothy with righteous indignation. And yes, I am kicking myself for not just cracking on with bedtime but I assumed he would be there any minute. It is so rare that he gets drunk that every time it does happen I tend to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe what he says about timings/intentions.

You would think after 11 years I might know better.....

HappyJoy Wed 12-Oct-11 21:50:35

he probably said OK because colleague was in earshot and he couldnt be arsed/didnt want/couldnt discuss the matter then

Shakey1500 Wed 12-Oct-11 21:50:58

No you're definitely NBU. This is the kind of thing my dh would do. The elaborating of a series of events solely designed to scupper his chances of Getting Home Without A Few More Scoops. Followed swiftly by the (actually quite clever) ability to turn the entire situation on it's head with the end result being- I am the unreasonable one.

I bought him one of those yellow what-look-like-mini-car-registration-doobries that says Sorry so in the event of him knowing he is blatantly in the wrong and needing to apologise but not quite being able to bring himself to utter the actual word- he can hold it up in front of him and look sheepish grin

discobeaver Wed 12-Oct-11 21:51:11

Easier to say to ds that daddy wouldn't be back in time, put him in bed, get a relaxing drink and don't stress.
WhAt Hairylights said basically.

hairylights Wed 12-Oct-11 21:51:37

grin. damn. Sussed.

LydiaWickham Wed 12-Oct-11 21:51:59

YANBU - but in future, your DS has a bed time, if your DP wants to see his son, he can make time for his son, not the other way round.

LydiaWickham Wed 12-Oct-11 21:52:45

oh and sympathy - I also have a Daddy obsessed toddler.

TandB Wed 12-Oct-11 21:53:47

ChippingIn - when I say "flounce", I mean do the classic AIBU stroppy-flounce.......

Ooh. Look what the cat dragged in!

Back later.....

hairypotter Wed 12-Oct-11 21:54:09

I completely agree with you am too scared not to

I would have my cats bum mouth at the ready for his return grin

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn Wed 12-Oct-11 21:54:23

Leave him! grin It's amazing how otherwise perfectly rational and intelligent men lose the ability to phone home and actually say "I'm going to be late(r)" when faced with beer...
In the morning when DS wakes up at an ungodly hour say "go to Daddy, he missed you last night"

buzzskeleton Wed 12-Oct-11 21:55:39


TandB Wed 12-Oct-11 21:59:31

I love mobile devices. I can continue to MN in the bathroom while officially Not Speaking to DP who walked in in the middle of my reply to ChippingIn.

He is trying his second-favourite approach of 'helloolooo, absolutely nothing has happened, why do you have a Cat's bum face on?'

Booooooyhoo Wed 12-Oct-11 22:01:22

<wishes she were a fly on the kungfupannda wall>

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