Advanced search

AIBU to be annoyed at DH's lack of ambition?

(16 Posts)
TotallyKerplunked Wed 12-Oct-11 21:38:32

I've been with my DH 5yrs (known him for 20), shortly after we got together he became unemployed. He applied for a few roles and got his current one supposedly as a stop gap until he got a more suitable job in his area of expertise either within the same company or elsewhere. He works for a small company that has few promotion prospects and the few that do come up he doesn't apply for. In the 5yrs he has worked there he has applied for only
3 other jobs in other companies.

DH doesn't earn much and is well over qualified for his current role I wouldn't mind so much if he loved his job but he doesn't, he gets very frustrated and has recently been disciplined for being rude to a customer and his new boss is a nightmare, he is currently skiving off work claiming to be ill and I think at some point he will end up being signed off with stress.

I know in this current climate I should be grateful he has a job but its the lack of ambition and effort that gets on my tits. I know some of you will say I shouldn't have married him if thats what he is like but DH had loads of ambition when we were growing up and I don't know whats gone wrong.

I have worked hard on my career, I earn good money, DH complains that I earn more than him and my job is too disruptive for family life (I work nights)
since going on maternity leave he has been hinting at me not going back, i'd love that but there no chance until he earns more and each time i've asked him to look for another job i'm nagging!

Purplegirlie Wed 12-Oct-11 21:47:51

YANBU, but is there any chance he is suffering from depression? Depression can often leave people stuck in a rut but without the motivation to do anything to change their situation

FabbyChic Wed 12-Oct-11 21:50:01

Maybe he does not want the stress from working in a better paid higher flying job, have you actually thought of that?

With a better job comes more responsibilities, responsibilities he might not want.

Don't be so pushy and let him make his own decisions. It isn't your call to make you aren't his mother or even his keeper, he is an individual in his own rights.

twinklytroll Wed 12-Oct-11 21:52:03

I think it depends on a number of things.

My dp is not ambitious and it used to frustrate me. However his lack of ambition has allowed me to focus on my career. His lack of ambition means that I come home to a clean house and a cooked meal. His lack of ambition means that he put his own career on hold to work part time so he could be a more hands on parent.

Having said that my dp works very hard and would not be rude, that would worry me.

My dp does sometimes moan that my job interferes with our family life, to tbh in my case that is a fair point.

Inertia Wed 12-Oct-11 21:58:57

I agree with TwinklyTroll- if he were in a high-flying job with unpredictable hours and lots of travel, would that impact upon your ability to do your job? I'm over-qualified for my present job, which isn't well paid. However, it means I'm virtually always available to deal with child care and all household/ child-related issues. This leaves DH free to get on with his job secure in the knowledge that that's the only thing he's got to do.

I would not ever dream of complaining about DH's job being disruptive to family life- it obviously is, but that's why we have the family set-up that we do.

blueshoes Wed 12-Oct-11 22:01:01


It is a shame that he changed. I could not respect a partner (or co-worker) who took your dh's attitude.

TotallyKerplunked Wed 12-Oct-11 22:03:17

DH had a "high flying" job when we became a couple and loved it, he thrived on the pressure, eventually the contract ended and he hasn't bothered since dispite me paying for him to do and extra qualification he wanted to make him extra employable.

LOL i'd love it if I came home to a clean house! DH thinks putting the bin out on a monday is the end of his domestic duties. He is the one who wants me to quit my job to concentrate on the DS but we have financial obligations which we can just about meet on his salary alone but with no luxuries.

babycham42 Wed 12-Oct-11 22:06:23

Totally I think that it's a problem that he would like you not to go back to work,which you say you'd also like.YANBU for wanting him to try to achieve his potential in that case.

babycham42 Wed 12-Oct-11 22:09:14

Sorry that came out wrong.I don't mean that it's a problem that he'd like you to give up work and that you would like that.I think that it's a problem if he doesn't try to up his earnings to make that possible.

FabbyChic Wed 12-Oct-11 22:09:50

It seems clear he cannot even cope in his current job, let alone that will allow him to utilise his experience and qualifications.

dreamingbohemian Wed 12-Oct-11 22:15:18

I think the problem isn't that he's not ambitious -- as others have said, it's possible to be un-ambitious and still happy and good in your job. I don't think it's really on to complain about a partner's lack of ambition (although this is something I sometimes struggle with myself, with my DH).

But your DH is unhappy, messing up at work, and possibly about to be signed off. THAT is a problem and YANBU to be annoyed with it.

twinklytroll Wed 12-Oct-11 22:18:34

I agree

babycham42 Wed 12-Oct-11 22:22:51

Maybe his confidence was knocked when he had to take this job as a stop gap and he's lost that get up and go a bit.
Perhaps a really good talk to say you'd love to give up work but realistically that won't work as there wouldn't be enough income for x y and z .I'd keep it light-hearted as there genuinely may be no openings at his level in this climate,but at least he knows exactly what would need to happen and what you'd need to cover financially.Perhaps that'll give him some motivation.

But I'd be gentle as maybe you're not seeing the whole picture and there isn't anything out there or he's been out of his field a little long to compete.

Could he consider staying at home while you work and possibly look at re-qualifying?

babycham42 Wed 12-Oct-11 22:29:11

Or is it that he really wants you all to step out of the rat race and concentrate on the basic things and lead a simpler life? (In which case he needs to knuckle down and keep the job he has got as you need that as a basic income to get by).
But you would need to want that too.

TheRealTillyMinto Thu 13-Oct-11 21:24:28

DH complains that I earn more than him and my job is too disruptive for family life (I work nights)

He seems to be stuck in a very negative rut: his job, your job, you earning more.

this must be difficult for you. YANBU but you need to get beyond being annoyed that so you can try and improve the situation.

notmyproblem Thu 13-Oct-11 22:44:50

Can you not just talk to him and lay it out for him the way you have for us here, so he can see how illogical he's being?


-- you want me to quit my job and stay at home to look after DS
-- you don't earn enough for me/us to be able to do that
-- you're not interested in finding a better job to enable us to do that
-- therefore, either find a better job yourself or get off my case about leaving my job
-- or let's figure out a third option together and make it work.

And learn to do some household chores while you're at it, you lazy git. grin

(ok maybe not that last part but certainly that seems like part of the problem!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now