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to think DD's father should book his wedding for when DD will be in the country instead of expecting me to fly her over!

(67 Posts)
irrationafury Wed 12-Oct-11 19:23:34

DD's father (she is the product of a ONS so X sounds wrong), lives in a different country, we are in the UK. She spends a lot of time over there (other european country), including a huge chunk of the summer holidays. She's 14.

He has booked his wedding for termtime and is expecting me to fly her out for it. I think that at the very least he should pay for the flights but he says he can't afford it(!) He is also saying she should be there for almost a week so she can spend time with relatives etc. This will involve her missing school.

I don't want DD to miss her father's wedding but AIBU to think he should've booked it for a time she'd be in the country or at the very least checked with me first?

FabbyChic Wed 12-Oct-11 19:25:20

He should have checked with you first, and sorry he should be paying for the flights if he cannot then she shouldn't go.

At 14 she needs to be at school all the time, she is coming up to her GCSE years when she can take no time off.

fourkids Wed 12-Oct-11 19:27:21

exactly what FabbyChic said...

Dozer Wed 12-Oct-11 19:28:57

Yanbu!

diddl Wed 12-Oct-11 19:29:07

Well if he can´t afford it & she´s at school, I would say that that´s the end of it tbh.

And if you decide not to take her out of school thst´s it also, isn´t it?

He can expect all he likes-doesn´t mean that you have to do it?

But I would have thought that if he really wanted her there he would make sure it wasn´t term time & that he had the funds.

irrationafury Wed 12-Oct-11 19:29:24

She is going to be gutted if she can't go though.

her father is saying I am being obstructive and cruel - I think she should be there but am really unhappy with her missing school and I just don't see why I should pay.

She will want to go though and probably hate me if I say she can't sad

irrationafury Wed 12-Oct-11 19:30:08

Maybe if I put my foot down he will consider changing the date?

diddl Wed 12-Oct-11 19:31:36

You´re not the one putting the obstacled in the way though.

And if she does go, I´d want it to be just for the wedding tbh.

If she goes regularly in holidays, surely she meets relatives then?

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 12-Oct-11 19:32:18

I doubt if he will change the date, but he may pay for her to come.

Tillyscoutsmum Wed 12-Oct-11 19:32:33

YANBU but I can see that if you don't let her go, you will be "the baddie" in your dd's eyes sad

Could she perhaps just have the Friday and Monday off school and go for a long weekend and suggest her dad goes halves with you on the flights ?

StewieGriffinsMom Wed 12-Oct-11 19:33:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic Wed 12-Oct-11 19:34:01

Tell him you have asked the school for permission for her to be off and they have said NO. That if you take her out of school without permission they will fine you. And they could too around £100 for a week.

No school is going to give you permission to take a 14 year old out of school.

Sorry but HE pays not you. YOu tell your daughter that you cannot afford it, why the fuck should you.

FabbyChic Wed 12-Oct-11 19:34:47

He wants her there but can't pay? Fuck that he doesn't want her there at all he just wants to bleed you dry. Bet he don't pain maintenance either.

troisgarcons Wed 12-Oct-11 19:36:21

ONS???

LoveBeingAWitch Wed 12-Oct-11 19:37:33

One night stand

irrationafury Wed 12-Oct-11 19:39:08

Fabby good guess, there's no reciprocal agreement between this country and the UK so he doesn't pay anything. But he says putting her up for her visits counts. She does love spending time over there and with him. I can't see how I can sort this without making DD absolutely distraught.

Tilly, exactly, she'll never forgive me (or at least not until she's older but you know what I mean). I could cope with it being a long weekend but I really don't want to pay for flights, or even towards them.

complexnumber Wed 12-Oct-11 19:40:15

So, he is of a European culture where it would seem the norm, if not the expectation for his daughter to be there for the duration of the celebration?

It's such a tough choice. It sounds like he has a built up a strong bond with your daugher, and has made an effort to keep her part of his life.

I may get flamed here, but I think you should allow her to go. But demand he pays.

troisgarcons Wed 12-Oct-11 19:41:17

OMG? and people admit to that????

ThePumpkinKing Wed 12-Oct-11 19:46:50

The school will probably grant tme off for a parents wedding.

You should not be paying for any part of this trip. The childs father, and the many relatives she is required to stay on to meet can surely find the money to pay for flights across Europe?

Your daughter is plenty old enough to understand this, in fact, I'd be worried if she saw you as the bad guy.

irrationafury Wed 12-Oct-11 19:47:27

complex yes it would be very strange for her not to be there and the extended family all love her to bits. They are the reason there's the contact and relationship there is, his mother tracked us down (in the UK), and started everything off.

I can sort of believe he can't pay (though I think he could find the money), as he's not very well-off at all and his fiance's family are paying for the wedding, as is usual in that culture - he also has a job working for the future FIL so not sure how much cash he has 'for himself'. But he could borrow it from someone easily.

I think she should be there. But I think he is being VERY U about it.

fourkids Wed 12-Oct-11 19:48:22

I think you need to explain to DD that she needs to sort this out with her Dad...that school won't allow her time off at this stage in her education and that if he wants her to go he needs to buy her a (return) ticket.

Tell you aren't the baddy...that you feel terrible for her and feel strongly that he should have arranged the wedding at a more suitable time and budgeted for her ticket but that YOU didn't arrange his wedding during term time and not buy her a ticket, her DAD did.

maybe she needs to tell him how much HE is hurting her?

It isn't your fault.

PicaK Wed 12-Oct-11 19:50:44

Trois garcons - that's just unnecessary.

Let her go but he pays not you.

irrationafury Wed 12-Oct-11 19:53:02

Pumpkin and fourkids I know DD will take it very badly if I say she can't go or won't pay for flights. There's already a lot of 'oh I wish I could live over there all the time' and 'oh future stepmum is so glam and beautiful', they have girly chats over skype and stuff (future stepmum is only 20 so they have a lot in common).

I mean, I'll do it. I am 100% sure on the flights thing, that I shouldn't pay, but I am just really tied of being the bad guy.

unfitmother Wed 12-Oct-11 19:53:05

I think Tully has come up with a good compromise.
Have you asked the school if they will authorise the absence?

troisgarcons Wed 12-Oct-11 19:54:32

I apologise, but Im quite 'shocked' that anyone would put that in a public domain.

Fair play to the father he's remained in touch, there are many that wouldn't

But that is all by-the-by.

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