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AIBU?

Co-sleeping, DP doesn't want to

147 replies

hardboiledpossum · 12/10/2011 17:53

DS 8 months has started waking up multiple times in the night. If he sleeps in bed with us he sleeps fine and so do I. I'm exhausted from the night waking so often end up brining him in bed with us. DP thinks that he should sleep in his own bed but mostly leaves me to deal with the night wakings. He thinks we should do CC or just leave him to cry when he wakes up, which I do not want to do. AIBU to say that he either does half the night wakings (which I know he won't do) or I'm giving up on trying to get him to sleep in his cot and moving him in with us?

OP posts:

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sleepingsowell · 12/10/2011 17:58

I don't think you need do much negotiating here.
DS comes in with you, unless DH wishes to get up and do the night wakings.

My ds is 9 now and I feel a bit qualified to say please don't let your DH get hooked on what he 'should' be doing by sleeping alone in a cot. Worldwide this attitude is very rare i think! Many many cultures have, and continue to, have young kids in bed with parents until at least toddlerdom.

I think the key is common sense. If you can fairly easily settle your son in his room without nights and nights of screaming, fine. If not, give him what he is showing you he needs. Bad habits don't come into it. Kids develop and change and what he wants as a baby is not what he wants as a five year old. Your DH doesn't need to be scared of that.

zipzap · 12/10/2011 17:59

Could you do a halfway house and put his cot mattress on the floor of your bedroom? so he will be close to you but not actually in your bed. Or set up a travel cot etc.

buzzskeleton · 12/10/2011 18:00

I'd co-sleep for a while yet.

hardboiledpossum · 12/10/2011 18:03

There isn't really any space in our room so can't do that unfortunately zipzap.

OP posts:

Gonzo33 · 12/10/2011 18:03

I've never co-slept, but what is right for my children may not be right for yours. I would go with your instinct personally, and if that is saying co-sleep then do it.

PhilipJFry · 12/10/2011 18:05

This is going to make me sound quite mercenary if he leaves you to do most of the night work then stuff what he thinks, do what's going to make it easier for you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/10/2011 18:05

If you're the one dealing with the night wakings, it is your choice as you how you deal with it. Similarly, if your husband is dealing with it, his choice. Nobody gets to dictate to the other what they "should" be doing without taking over the job themselves.

FeelMyWraith · 12/10/2011 18:10

You deserve to enjoy your child and his childhood. The single biggest factor in this atm is being well rested. Exhaustion just ruins the good bits for you. Either your dp chips in and finds another way which results in you all getting good sleep or you take the path of least resistance. It doesn't form bad habits, truly. Bed becomes a happy and secure place where everybody wakes up rested. And they do want their own space eventually and you can encourage it in much better ways once they're a bit older and less bogged down with separation anxiety.

valiumredhead · 12/10/2011 18:14

What is your dh's reason for not wanting to OP? Surely a good night's sleep is the best thing all round for everyone?

hayleysd · 12/10/2011 18:16

Me and dh had this argument about ds2 who is 21 months, if he wakes up screaming I put him in our bed and he goes straight to sleep within a minute or so then I put him back in his bed straightaway but apparently I should settle him in his room but tough I'm not spending hours settling him back to sleep when I can do it instantly in our room, it's not as if he's in there all night. He never helps with either of the ds' at night so he can like it or tough!

attheendoftheday · 12/10/2011 18:20

It is totally U of your dp to decree you should have to get up umpteen times a night every night. Either he does half or co-sleep.

I don't think it's worth worrying what your ds should be doing. Lots of people co-sleep, it's no big deal. Getting enough sleep is a big deal.

YANBU

hardboiledpossum · 12/10/2011 18:22

Valium, I think he think that if we let him sleep in our bed now he's still going to be in with us in two+ years time.

OP posts:

minipie · 12/10/2011 18:24

What's his reason for being anti co sleeping?

Is it because it stops him (DP) sleeping? Or for some other reason?

valiumredhead · 12/10/2011 18:24

Tell him he'll be doing all the night time duties then OP

BertieBotts · 12/10/2011 18:25

He sounds like he's being a bit of a dick about it. Firstly, nothing wrong with co sleeping. Secondly, he wants to tell you what to do but doesn't offer to help! Tell him to sod off to DS' room!

BertieBotts · 12/10/2011 18:29

He won't be in your bed that long if you don't want him to be. Does he think he's going to grow velcro and attach himself to it? Most children move out voluntarily by 2 or so, and you can always encourage it earlier.

IloveJudgeJudy · 12/10/2011 18:33

I'm going to go against the flow and agree with your DP. We had a bit of this with one of our DC, but DH did get up in the night. He was the strong one as I would have given in, but he kept putting DC back to bed. It only took a couple of nights, though. It happened a couple of times in subsequent years, after the DC had been ill (only happened with one of them) and he always backed me and was adamant he didn't want to co-sleep. I agreed with him, but in the middle of the night would have given in if he hadn't been there, too.

So I would say to DP that he should be up in the night to back you up and that it will take hardly any time to sort out a routine then.

hairylights · 12/10/2011 18:37

He has the right to insist against co sleeping (it's his bed as well) but he must share the night wake ups.

hardboiledpossum · 12/10/2011 18:50

IloveJudgeJudy, his night wakings have been going on for 2 months now and it's only recently that I have started to bring him in to bed with us. Before I was settling him in his own room. Some nights it was was taking over an hour.

OP posts:

FeelMyWraith · 12/10/2011 18:54

What he's doing atm is developmental btw. Even without separation anxiety, teething etc, at 8 months they're working on some pretty major milestones and they just can't switch off. They like sleep props to see them through it. Otherwise, it's nights on end of them standing up in their cots, refusing to lie down, waking really quickly after falling asleep, frustrated crying. It's normal behaviour. How you ride it out makes no difference long term, but it will make a difference short term. It's always easier to change what you're doing than trying to force an issue with a developing child who is just a slave to his physiology. It won't always be this way.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/10/2011 19:36

"Some nights it was was taking over an hour." Well, if that's how your DH wants it done, he's free to be up for an hour doing it. If he's not willing to do that, then he'll just have to accept your technique.

hardboiledpossum · 12/10/2011 19:49

WhereYouLeftIt, I guess the thing is, if my partner were dealing with the night wakings he would do CC or CIO. He will try and settle him for bit but if that doesn't work he'll just leave him and I'll have to go in because I don't like leaving him to crying.
I've just told him he has three choices, he has to help me settle DS 50% of the time, we co sleep or I can move in to DS's room. I think he'll choose co sleeping. DP is great with DS and he works hard and is also studying so I do understand why he doesn't want to get up in the night but I'm exhausted now so I do think that co sleeping would be the best solution for us.

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troisgarcons · 12/10/2011 19:51

We didn't have issues with it. One of ours was a bedwetter and it was the easiest solution really - slightly damp child gets in ... or you wake up and change sheets immediately.... no contest really ....Plus I wake early - the kids would always crawl in for a cuddle with Dad due to the vacant space.

redskyatnight · 12/10/2011 19:57

Well I'm going to go against the grain and say that actually DH is not BU.

You want to co-sleep, DH wants to do controlled crying. Neither of you is prepared to consider the other's alternative. Why is your alternative more "right" than his?

I think you both need to consider why you are not prepared to do what the other wants and if there is room for compromise. Is DH disturbed by the co-sleeping? Is he worried it will become a habit that proves harder to break down the line? Why won't you do controlled crying? Would you consider a "gentler" sleep training method? Why is baby waking in the first place anyway?

hels88 · 12/10/2011 20:03

Our little girl will be 3 in December and is still sleeping with us. We love it and always think this is not a permanent state and one day we will sleep alone as she won't want to be with us. I feel lucky to have her so close and enjoy waking up with her. My sister did the same and at around 3 and a half her daughter declared she wanted her own room and that was that! No tears, no problems, all very natural.

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