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To think I should have a bit more confidence now I'm nearly 30?

(10 Posts)
PeachesMelba Wed 12-Oct-11 16:38:28

Ugh - I annoy myself so much.

I'm so easily intimidated by people (especially in work situations) and yet it seems to me that everyone else is so self-assured.

I rarely get into arguments even when people really piss me off, because a) negativity plays on my mind for ages afterwards and really bothers me, b) I never really have the right words at my disposal. Oh and c) I'm a massive fan of peace and harmony!

My DH says I need to toughen up and stand up for myself more - but I just find it so hard...

My mum, OTOH (who IS the confrontational type and doesn't take shite from anyone), says I'm better off being the way I am as I'm less likely to attract trouble if I just keep out of it.

I get the feeling it's partly because I'm an only child and never really got into trouble when at school etc - so it's like I've never needed to stand up for myself.

Anyone else still meek and mild at nearly-30?!

TheVermiciousKnid Wed 12-Oct-11 16:45:22

I'm the same. smile And I am over 40 a little older than 30 and not an only child. I don't know what the solution is, maybe we just need to accept that that's the way we are? Though, of course, there are situations when it is important to stand up for oneself.

RedOnion Wed 12-Oct-11 16:51:13

Wow OP, I could have written that myself. You have described me almost exactly. I'm in my thirties and have been like this all my life. I infuriate myself, I am pathetic, I am completely unable to be assertive in any situation and allow myself to be trampled on and taken advantage of.

So, I dont have any advice but your not alone! I did look into going on a course about becoming more assertive but I couldn't find a single one in my local area, maybe you would have better luck?

FeastofBeans Wed 12-Oct-11 16:56:34

I could've written this myself. I'm mid-30s and have a brother, but he bullied/bullies me and I let him - I hate confrontation. I always back down even when I know I'm right because I don't want to upset people or them to hate me. Yet still I have few friends! My DH despairs at me and I often hate myself blush At work I've really suffered as I'm not pushy enough
I've no advice really but you're really not alone!

PeachesMelba Wed 12-Oct-11 19:29:17

I went on an assertiveness training course with work but it was a waste of time.

Glad I'm not alone, but the fact that there aren't many responses so far suggests that most people are in fact self-assured and don't relate to this at all!

I think what bothers me most is that low confidence can be really unattractive, and sometimes I convince myself DH will find himself someone with a bit more gumption!

TheVermiciousKnid Wed 12-Oct-11 19:34:58

Glad I'm not alone, but the fact that there aren't many responses so far suggests that most people are in fact self-assured and don't relate to this at all!

Or maybe they are all too shy to reply! smile

IfAtFirstUDontSucceed Wed 12-Oct-11 20:25:14

That is so me, and it infuriates me! I'm 32
I'm the sort of person that will play a conversation over & over in my head really letting rip - but when it comes to it I ALWAYS back down, I hate any sort of confrontation.
I feel as though this trait is holding me back especially at work as I've never put myself forward for ad-hoc payrises or promotions which I reckon I deserve.

I'm shy & lack confidence, will quite happily sit on the sidelines and feel uncomfortable in new surroundings with strangers. I try to be a friendly as possible, but can never strike up the conversation.
I often come away from social gatherings terrified that folk see me as boring or miserable purley because I havent got up to dance, for example (unless of course, I've had several a couple of glasses of vino).
As peaches said, I too have this niggling feeling that DH finds me boring & unadventurous and will go off to find someone who is!

My younger brother is the complete opposite and is very confident & vocal, and was so as a child. My DM, however, always says that I was a lovely, well behaved, quiet child, but in retrospect, perhaps that wasnt necessarily a good thing.

What a wuss! angry

ZillionChocolate Wed 12-Oct-11 20:49:51

1. They might well be pretending.

2. Nothing wrong with this. I have a job which requires the ability to argue. It means I can't be bothered to do it in real life.

Be proud of who you are!

Therupaxim Wed 12-Oct-11 21:05:44

I completely relate to this and I'm relieved to hear I'm not alone! At almost 30 myself I've done a pretty good job over the years of pretending not to be shy. As a child I would hide under tables with my fingers in my ears if anyone was shouting and just didn't know how to make friends. These days I over-analyse any criticism and always take it to heart.

The only way I cope is by forcing myself to do things - I recognise that I'm delaying making a telephone call or going to speak to someone because I'm scared for absolutely no reason. I'm also overly friendly to everyone, I think knowing who people are and that they like me helps me to feel a bit more confident in my work life. I am also hopeless at small talk with people I don't know very well - I don't like to ask questions as it feels rude and I end up talking inanely about the weather, or tea!

The funny thing is, I always get complimented on being confident in appraisal meetings. My point being that not everyone who comes across as confident actually is!

hiddenhome Wed 12-Oct-11 21:52:32

Confidence seems to come once you're 40 grin

Since I turned 40 I've become totally assertive and generally don't give a stuff about what people think of me. I'm great at complaining and confronting people now.

I don't know what changed, it just sort of happened to me hmm

You should try it. Nobody seems to take offence or anything and you feel so much better about yourself.

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