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AIBU?

about people who announce deaths on facebook??

59 replies

citruslemon · 12/10/2011 10:26

My aunt died late last night. She had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and just yesterday the doctor told us she was unlikely to make it through the weekend. She died peacefully with her family (including my mum) around her.

Now I get up this morning to see that two members of my extended family have written about this as their fb status. My aunt was in her 70s and didn't know the first thing about computers. These two distant relatives don't live in the same city as my aunt and I doubt they had ever met her more than a handful of times. They are so distantly related that even I don't understand how they're related. But I think EVEN if they has been closely related this isn't right is it?? AIBU to think that things like this should not be your fb status??

OP posts:

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KatAndKit · 12/10/2011 10:28

No, imagine finding out about a death like that if you hadn't been informed yet. How insensitive. And attention seeking of them if they barely knew her. I think it's ok to mention something a week or so later, perhaps around the time of the funeral, but imagine if you hadn't been told yet because you were on your holidays or something, and you found out via facebook.

YANBU and I'm very sorry about your aunt.

bringmesunshine2009 · 12/10/2011 10:30

There are a few issues here, but on the whole I think FB would be ok, but not until close family and friends informed.

PerryCombover · 12/10/2011 10:30

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think that it is the way that many people communicate and keep in touch with all in their sphere of influence.
All information no matter how great or small seems to go straight onto FB these days. It doesn't matter to me how people communicate about death or over which forum...as long as they have support and it's done nicely

aldiwhore · 12/10/2011 10:35

Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss.

Secondly, if everyone of any significance to your Aunt's life already knows then YABU. FB is part of many people's everyday life and even though I personally keep many things private I can also understand the 'need to tell'.

My old school friend's sister was killed last week in an awful accident, my friend deactivated her account as it was too painful to read all the well intended messages of support, but many mutual friends had status's over the next few days, they needed to 'tell' and to acknowledge.

YANBU in that for you, its not something you would contemplate doing, we all deal with grief and loss differently, and you don't have to be close to feel the need to acknowledge it. If seeing these statuses are causing you pain, use the 'hide' function so they won't appear on your wall.

Take care, and again, I'm sorry for your loss.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/10/2011 10:35

I agree with you, OP, I think it's tasteless and tacky. It's one thing to have an 'in memorium' reference but 'announcements of death' are just awful.

SnakeOnCrack · 12/10/2011 10:36

I'm sorry about your Aunt. I hope your family are coping ok.

I think that some people on the periphery of an event or tragedy sometimes over emphasise their involvement, it lends a bit of interest in their own lives and they enjoy the sympathy/comments they will inevitably get.

I witnessed this when a friend's brother died and all sorts of people who had barely known him put things about him and how much they would miss him etc in their facebook updates and got an outpouring of sympathy. It really upset my friend (although she knew it was slightly irrational, it was just somewhere to focus some emotions!).

I would ignore it and concentrate on looking after your Mum and other immediate family members.

ThePumpkinKing · 12/10/2011 10:37

I would assume that by the time these distant relatives had learned of the death of your Aunt, closer relatives/friends would already know.

They probably assumed the same, so no one will be hurt by the news appearing on FB.

For many people now, FB is the first point of call for all family news, it's an integral part of their lives.

What they have dones sounds fine to me.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2011 10:57

YANBU. Sorry about your loss and the upset caused by this. To me, the public broadcast nature of FB is the equivalent of taking out a massive billboard. So announcing a death in such a splashy way seems all wrong and I'd question the motives of anyone doing it.

There used to be social conventions which respected the sensitive nature of personal news. Births, marriages and deaths were announced via a little box of text in the local newspaper. You had phone lists of people to tell when the baby arrived. It might sound a little stuffy or formal now but everyone knew where they were and, if you stuck to the convention, it kind of worked in a semi-ritualistic way. Social networking means all bets are off and anything at all, no matter how personal or delicate, is shouted from the rooftops like a bloody football score... and there's no consideration for feelings.

Pancakeflipper · 12/10/2011 11:02

I hate it. But it's the nature of FB.

I can remember a colleague leaping from their desk and running to the loo one morning because they found out on FB from someones status that a good friend of theirs had committed suicide the day before.

The family hadn't obviously gotten around to informing everyone as it was all a shock/horrendous situation. But someone put it out there for all to see.

There is never a good way to find out but that struck me as probably a horrid thoughtless way for people to find out.

Lylah · 12/10/2011 11:10

YANBU.
FB is not the place in my opinion.
The whole idea of it is so tacky that it's making me cringe at the very thought. I would hide / delete those responsible if I were you.
Sorry for your loss too.

Whatevertheweather · 12/10/2011 11:13

I think it depends on the circumstances. My daughter was recently born prematurely and died shortly after birth. Obviously all close friends and family were told personally at the time. I told them
I didnt want anything put on Facebook. I didn't go on fb at all for a few weeks after but 3 weeks after as her due date was approaching I had lots of messages from less close friends asking how I was feeling and a mini sweep of date/weight was being posted on my wall. I then decided I had to post something on there to stop the messages. I was worried about coming across as tacky but really was the only way in that situation.

I'm sorry for the loss of your aunt

Sirzy · 12/10/2011 11:20

As long as all close family and friend have been informed yabu

For a start people can put what they like on there own fb page and if they want to make a comment about a loved one dying why shouldn't they?

A friend of mine had a relative die recently. We all knew she was ill it was mentioned on fb in a very tasteful way so friends knew meaning she wasn't inundated with messages asking how the person was, or didn't have to phone around people other than the closest family and friends.

The only think I found odd was the time I saw on my wall "x is attended ys funeral" with a fb event set up for it. That was a step to far IMO!

ivykaty44 · 12/10/2011 11:25

I am sorry for your loss.

I am not sure I agree with a death not being put on a status on face book though. I am not sure how it is different from me opening the local paper to find out that someone has died and is listed in the on the BDM page.

KatAndKit · 12/10/2011 11:29

But the paper comes out a week later and this facebook thing has happened within less than a day. It doesn't give the family enough time to phone around and catch people who were not in when they first tried. These people are distant relatives who barely knew the deceased so don't really need a lot of support to cope with the death. And why do they need to broadcast it to all their facebook friends?

Rivenwithoutabingle · 12/10/2011 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2011 11:34

"I am not sure how it is different from me opening the local paper to find out that someone has died and is listed in the on the BDM page."

Different because if you're reading the BMD columns, you're expecting to see news on births, marriages and deaths. Most people already know about the death and are maybe checking when the funeral is. Open FB and the news you usually get is random banalities or silly round robins. You're just not in the same place to be hit between the eyes with the equivalent of 'OLD FRED'S KICKED THE BUCKET!'

TheBride · 12/10/2011 11:35

It's just another symptom of the emotional incontinence that seems to have infected the UK and it is not the right of random acquaintances/distant relatives

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2011 11:36

@TheBride... bingo.

Schnarkle · 12/10/2011 11:37

YANBU about this. I saw an update this week a young man died suddenly leaving behind a wife and 2 young children. The mother inlaw had it plastered all over facebook less than 8 hours later and loads of people Liking her status.

ZeldaUpNorth · 12/10/2011 11:37

I found out my mam died via facebook :( Her partner had tried to ring my mobile but it was (stupidly) off and he never bothered trying my landline. I logged on to find out she had died 3 hours earlier. (though it was expected it was still a shock and i wasnt there as she lived 300 miles away and i didnt have the money to get there)

Schnarkle · 12/10/2011 11:39

Oh no Zelda that's just awful. Why don't people just think for a second before they do things like that ffs.

EllaDee · 12/10/2011 11:43

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think facebook is a red herring though - the point is that your distant relatives are announcing something they've heard as gossip, really. This would be upsetting no matter what the medium used was. But they probably don't mean to upset you, so I think you just have to put it down to one of those things.

I think everyone deals with death differently, and there's nothing inherently wrong with talking about it on facebook if that is what suits you.

slavetofilofax · 12/10/2011 11:45

I think it can sometimes be ok, but people need to have a mutual respect for eachothers feelings.

I remember when a friend of ours died suddenly, he was someone that was part of a club that I was involved in, so there were a lot of people to tell but also a personal friend. My husband and I did a lot of informing people of the death, but inevitably, there are people that you can't reach straight away. One of the people that we ware able to get to early put it as her status, and I had to call her and ask her to take it down. She is usually lovely, but I was amazed that on this occasion she could have been so thoughtless and insensitve. No body wants to hear about the death of a friend on fb, close or not.

However, when everyone knew and by the time we had the funeral, fb was a good way of everyone supporting eachother. It still is on the anniversary of his death.

ivykaty44 · 12/10/2011 11:47

Facebook is media your own social media and news will be written on the pages.

social media sites like twitter and facebook have made news so much faster it is instant and you don't wait a week for news in the paper

Deaths are shocking whereever you read them, they are sad news

There are plenty of weddings and births announced on fb, is this also wrong or because it is a happy event it is ok?

Faffalina · 12/10/2011 12:20

Personally, I find it inappropriate and even more so if they are distant relatives that haven't seen the deceased in years. Makes me think they want attention.

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