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to be upset at pils even though they are trying to be nice?

(111 Posts)
Moulesfrites Tue 11-Oct-11 13:53:05

think I am being a little irrational here so probably just need a talking to but this has really upset me...

My ds is 8mo. He is ebf, I feed him to sleep at night and he still has a couple of night feeds (at least). He has taken ebm from a bottle but the last time was about 4 months ago as I hate expressing, and he takes water, very reluctatntly, from a doidy cup. I have been on 3/4 nightys out with friends and have left the emb with dh, and dh has been out once or twice too (he is not really fussed about going out tbh) but we have not been out for an evening meal together since ds was born, which we used to do all the time. This doesn't really bother us - we were together for 10 years before ds and did plenty of posh meals and weekends away etc in this time. We have also been on a couple of lovely self catering holidays since ds came with family and friends when everyone has helped with the cooking (including my brother who is a chef), so we do not feel that we have missed out on eating out, socially or gastronomically!!

Anyway, all my mil has done since ds was born has harped on about how she would like to has ds overnight. she mentions it everytime I see her. Last time she was saying that she would like to get dh and I a weekend away for Xmas so that they could have ds, as "hopefully you will have stopped bf by then". She keeps saying "It's such a shame he isn't sleeping through yet or we could have him". I don't really want them to "have him" and I feel they are putting pressure on me to do something I am not yet comfortable with. It is clear from her frequent eye rolling, tutting and head shaking that shje disapproves of the fact that I am still bf and that ds doesn't sleep through. This could be influenced by the fact that she has had both of her granddaughters stay from being just a few weeks old (both ff and great sleepers).

I also am a bit sensitive about her having him, becuase on the first night we came home from hospital with ds, she and fil stayed at our house. It was a generally awful experience. There dog was there sniffing at my lochia, they had cooked coq au vin and we had to eat it at the dining table while 3 day old ds was in his carry cot in another room so the dog couldnt get to him. I really think my first night home should have involved me sitting on the sofa with a slice of pizza in one hand and ds in the other, and still feel resentful about this! To top it all off, that night ds was crying and SHE CAME INTO OUR BEDROOM AND TOOK HIM AWAY!! I have never quite got over this. It has meant whenever they have stayed since or we stayed there, I just don't sleep as I worry she is going to come in again. Also, it has probably contributed to ds being a crap sleeper as I feed him at the slightest peek for fear she will come in and take him off me again! (I do realise this makes me sound crazy!)

Anyway, what has upset me today is that dh rang to say that his fil had been on the phone and they have bought us 2 tickets to see a play on Friday night and booked us a bar meal at a nearby pub, and told dh they are coming to look after ds. I know they think this is a kind gesture, but it got me really upset. I feel that when we do decide to go out and leave ds I want it to be our decision when to do it, not forced upon me by them. I was trying to explain this to dh but it just came out as an incoherent rant and me saying "how dare they presume to decide what kind of play I will like or which pub to go to!". He has now said he will ring and tell then I don't want to go, and I know they will think I am an ungrateful and possessive cow. AIBU to have reacted in this way??

Moulesfrites Tue 11-Oct-11 13:53:21

sorry just realised how long that was!

HerScaryness Tue 11-Oct-11 13:59:51

I say your instinct is bang on! listen to it.

a treat is only a treat if YOU like it! Say that it's very kind of you to buy this that and the other and you hate to sound ungrateful, but that you don't want to go.

At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what they think, if this is all about YOU, as they will try to make out it is, then they would respect that by doing this without asking you, there is a 50/50 chance you may not want to do it. If (as I suspect) this is more to do with an agenda THEY have, they will kick off. Let them.

They are at the least, preseumptuous. I on the other hand am a cynical old witch and would think that I was being undermined.

Sounds like your DH is onside, thank goodness.

You need to understand that your MIL is the matriarch of her family, but YOU are the matriarch of YOURS! Claim that position, put your foot down and lay down some boundaries.

coming into your room without knocking for any reason (bar a FIRE) is unacceptable. To take your baby? well it's FREAKISH to be honest.

HerScaryness Tue 11-Oct-11 14:00:24

presumptuous... sorry!

StainlessSteelCat Tue 11-Oct-11 14:05:13

I would have been incandescent if anyone had arranged a night out for me so they could baby sit my 8 mo DS! Well done for ranting at DH, not the ILs grin

OK, they are trying to be nice, but it isn't working out that way. Turn it round - why should you have an awful evening just so they get to babysit their DGS? If you look at it that way, they are not being nice at all so why should you go along with it? They get to see their DGS, you are not harming them, him or their relationship in any way by not letting them babysit, so why should they force you into it?


MothInMyKecks Tue 11-Oct-11 14:05:25

Moules, YABU but I understand why you are, so there's no judgement here from me. I think your opinion of your IL's is tainted by how things were when you came home from hospital. I find that well meaning people can often balls things up, and it's at crucial moments like yours that makes that memory so poignant.

As a Mum, you are ALWAYS going to be judged, be it openly or in an eyeball rolling way. It's awful to be questioned like this and I think it's a Mum's Achilles heel - it makes us feel terribly vulnerable. But, you must toughen up a bit. Unless there are other things you've not told us about, I'd bet that they think they're doing you a real big favour here. To be honest, make the most of it - it's a kind offer.

buttonspoon Tue 11-Oct-11 14:07:22

God your MIL sounds like mine - she itched to get her hands on DD as soon as she was born and when PILs came to visit three days after DD was born, my MIL told me that I should go out for a walk while she had DD! I had a third degree tear and could hardly stand up so I was hardly likely to want to go anywhere let alone leave my 3 day old EBF baby with her! That was one instance of many crap things she has said and done in the last 11 months. I've hardly spoken to her since tbh but that's another thread...

You trust your instincts and only do what you want to do. So what if they think you are ungrateful and possessive - that's their problem not yours. You know what is right and that you are doing an amazing job bfeeding your DS and that's what counts.

Good luck!

CailinDana Tue 11-Oct-11 14:10:03

God almighty, YANBU one slightest bit! TBH that first night at home would have finished any relationship I would have had with them. I would have been so furious that I would have funted them out the door and thrown my soaked pad after them as a parting gift! I cannot believe your MIL took your DS from your arms!

I can understand the pressure re the BF as my MIL is very similar. She has made a few comments about taking my DS out for the day and how I'll have to "drastically change the feeding" (ie give up bfing) if it's going to happen. For one thing she never actually asked if she could take DS out for the day and for another it is none of her fucking business whether I bf him or not. Unbeknownst to her she has now absolutely ensured that she will by no means have a day out with him any time soon. As soon as she shows me some respect and acknowledges that I am DS's mother then that'll change. I'm not holding my breath.

They are basically showing you no respect. They are acting like you have done your bit by producing their GC and that your wishes don't really count. Clearly they didn't think at all when they came around to your house - how on earth could they expect someone who has just given birth to sit at a dinner table and make conversation?

It's time for your DH to have a serious conversation with them, along the lines of how little contact they're going to end up having with their GC if things don't improve between you and them. If it's any consolation I was pretty firm with MIL about other things (didn't say anything about the bfing - was too angry) and I think she's got the message to a certain extent.

notso Tue 11-Oct-11 14:13:35

Have you actually told them you don't feel ready. My PIL suggested having DC3 overnight loads of times and at first I just used to go quiet or say "Hmm maybe" then never mention it.
Eventually though I just said "Sorry, I know you are trying to help but I am just not ready to leave him over night yet, and in any case it's pretty rubbish having to get up during the night and I wouldn't feel comfortable with you having to do it."
They were fine about it, too fine in fact I would love for them to have him now but feel I must wait for them to offer.

CailinDana Tue 11-Oct-11 14:13:46

Oh and if them staying/you staying with them makes you that nervous, stop doing it, and explain to them that you have stopped because you don't trust your MIL.

pictish Tue 11-Oct-11 14:14:24

I disagree - I think you are being unreasonable.
Chill out woman!

MothInMyKecks Tue 11-Oct-11 14:17:45

Oh and if them staying/you staying with them makes you that nervous, stop doing it, and explain to them that you have stopped because you don't trust your MIL.


kelly2000 Tue 11-Oct-11 14:17:47

tell them that they should have behaved better when you first got home with DS. It does sounds like you are considered to be just a breeding machine for their son the sequel.
Does DH generally let them walk all over the pair of you?

billgrangersrisotto Tue 11-Oct-11 14:18:22

I understand why you're feeling upset about this, but from the sound of what you have described, your MIL is trying to help you and give you a break.

Starting from the beginning, on your first night at home, they cooked you a nice meal and probably thought you'd want something homemade instead of takeaway. I know thus doesn't make it better, and I understand why you feel resentful about them being there even now, but if you didn't say 'MIL, thanks so much for the lovely meal, I don't feel comfortable being away from the brand new baby right now, so I'm going to eat this in the front room. Why don't you all join me?', how was she to know this wasn't what you needed/ wanted? She won't have given another thought to the dog being there with the baby, it just wouldn't have crossed her mind. Then, with the coming in at night thing, she will have thought she was doing you a huge favour, taking the baby so you can have some rest (again, I totally understand why you felt so upset by her just coming in and taking her/him).

So - why don't you talk to your DH, and say that you want your PIL to know that you really, really appreciate the gesture, but you're not ready to leave the baby yet. When you are, they'll be the first to know and then, at that point, you'd love them to babysit overnight. Ask him to talk to them about it and explain how you feel. Then, do you know what? If they think you're overprotective or being pathetic, who cares? Just ignore them, along with all the eye rolls and little digs about still breast feeding. You're the parents, not them, so ignore.

Also, next time they come over and something happens that you feel uncomfortable about, be really brave and just say something about it so she knows. I bet she'd be mortified to know that you've been feeling so uncomfortable and sleeping so badly everything they're there! So say something straight away, then you head her off at the pass and she'll know not to do it again.

Good luck, and try to give MIL the benefit of the doubt. It's a funny old time with new baby and all the relationships in the family subtly changing and adjusting.

MothInMyKecks Tue 11-Oct-11 14:19:25

*tell them that they should have behaved better when you first got home with DS. It does sounds like you are considered to be just a breeding machine for their son the sequel.
Does DH generally let them walk all over the pair of you?*


HerScaryness Tue 11-Oct-11 14:20:46

only me that thinks perhaps you need to state that you intend to do extended BF and will be doing so until he attends SCHOOL! grin

Salmotrutta Tue 11-Oct-11 14:21:17

Oh, it's tricky isn't it - yes they are well-meaning but they are going about it all wrong. Particularly coming into your room and taking the baby out- or even staying over as soon as you came home from hospital uless you had invited them. That's poor.
If they had just said - "We'd love to babysit so you can have a night out" and then accepted your position then you wouldn't feel annoyed.
But spare a little thought for them - they want to be involved. smile
Be careful you don't alienate them though - you have to think of your DHs family too for his sake unless he's happy to draw away from them.
Are they reasonable in other ways?

mumofthreekids Tue 11-Oct-11 14:22:08

You are within your rights to say no, you don't want them to choose your social life.

But I'd suggest thinking into the future too. You don't miss your social life right now, but in the future you and your dh may be desperate for a night out together and delighted to have free and willing babysitters. If you alienate your ILs now it may be hard to get them back onside later.

WoeIsMeAgain Tue 11-Oct-11 14:22:18

they had cooked coq au vin and we had to eat it at the dining table while 3 day old ds was in his carry cot in another room

wow what a bitch! surely he was sewn onto you at the hospital so that you had to cart him around every second!

mambo14 Tue 11-Oct-11 14:22:21

mmm, difficult one, your mil sounds like a slightly watered down version of my own mum who i love to bits! My own mum is just overcome with love for grandchildren and has a tendency to storm in and take over but her motives are all good (wants to spend time with grandchildren, wants to give you a break). I can imagine my mum doing all the things your muminlaw has done, even the taking baby out of your room. I imagine she was thinking she would just take control and let you get some rest.
I am sure this is driving you nuts, I can see why.

I agree with the previous poster that your husband needs to go round on his own to his parents and say ' we really, really appreciate how much you love gc and we want you in his life but at the moment we don't feel comfortable leaving him overnight and we are concentrating on his ebf. You are very welcome to mind him overnight, evenings when he gets older but we are feeling a bit pressurised by your offers.'
Seriously, sometimes my mum needs sitting down and explaining to her calmly. She means well but just can't grasp that you don't approach life in the same way as her when she's just trying to help.

Give them the benefit of the doubt, it sounds to me like she just loves her gc and wants to help and isn't meaning to make you feel bad.

kelly2000 Tue 11-Oct-11 14:26:12

Harsh, but things liek this are better nipped in the bud. For instance if they had been told not to stay over when they first came out of hospital, OP might not feel so resentful. Also the MIL bursting into the parent's bedroom and taking their crying child from them is really out of line.

DMCWelshCakes Tue 11-Oct-11 14:27:32

I also agree that YANBU. MIL doesn't seem to be doing this from the wish to genuinely do the best for you & DGC, more from a desire to get you out of the way so that she can have the baby all to herself.

Only you know whether she's smart/nasty enough to have deliberately planned it or whether she believes she's doing this for purely selfless reasons. In her head it probably goes something along the lines of "when they came home from the hospital I cooked them a lovely hot meal, made sure the dog couldn't get at DGC, tried to help with the baby so she could rest and now I've organised them a lovely evening out". Or she may be machiavellian & scheming and generally vile.

It doesn't really matter what the motivation behind it is, if you're not happy and it's not going to work for you and YOUR CHILD, don't go.

(And hurrah for a DH who is on board with DW's wishes & willing to tell his family that it's not happening. Tragically few men like that on MN it would appear.)

naturalbaby Tue 11-Oct-11 14:28:23

my mil was a bit like this with my pfb, and pretty much had a hysterical breakdown at a family christmas do wailing in front of all her relatives "can't you just let me have him?!?" um. no.

pick a phrase that is a polite no and keep repeating it. don't discuss, just repeat, hopefully she'll get the message or bored of asking. or just say 'we don't want/need a night away from him'.

CailinDana Tue 11-Oct-11 14:30:07

I doubt there are many people in the world who are genuinely thick enough not to understand that 1) you don't enter another adult's room at night unless invited and 2) you don't take a crying newborn from his mother's arms unless invited. To walk into the bedroom of someone who isn't even your own child and to take their child from them is beyond stupid.

naturalbaby Tue 11-Oct-11 14:30:51

btw i've had several aborted nights out with babysitters booked where i flipped and couldn't do it at the last minute. fortunately it was a very understanding babysitter and we eventually managed to go out when it was more suitable and appropriate.

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