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To be devastated my dh has looked at porn

(125 Posts)
squarebugs Tue 11-Oct-11 12:29:46

I am sitting here weeping. Maybe I am over reacting but I discovered it on his search history this morning. He says he is embarrassed, that he hasn't done it before. He was a bit tipsy last night and looked up a site with erotic stories that he had read about somewhere. There was also a site with clips, which quite frankly looked disgusting.

We have a happy marriage and two beautiful kids. But we haven't been having sex much lately. I am tired and have a poor body image at the moment. Although he says he adores me the way I am, this has cut deep. Maybe it is my fault? He does come on to me but often I just can't be bothered. I love my kids but find them very demanding at the moment (5 and 2). He does pull his weight and gives me breaks, helps at home etc.

I have a daughter and feminist views so I am also angry and disgusted at him. Am I not good enough? Even if this is the first time it hurts like hell

Dirtydishesmakemesad Tue 11-Oct-11 12:33:29

I am sorry you are hurt. You should talk to him about it, do you think he is tellign the truth when he says he hasnt before?
personally i wouldnt be that upset at the situation you describe BUT dh and I do look at that sort of thing together sometimes as well and I do like my erotic stories once in a while. BUT if you dont then you need to make sure he knows that.
I would look into the reasons you havent been having sex much of course you dont HAVE to have sex but if it is a recent thing then it probably would be helpful to think about why.

smileyfacestar Tue 11-Oct-11 12:35:11

I think it is quite normal for even a married man to be looking at these sites. I wouldn't worry (unless it's the really bad stuff!). It doesn't mean he isn't happy with his life or you, it's probably just an outlet. He sounds lovely in all other aspects.

worraliberty Tue 11-Oct-11 12:36:08

You haven't mentioned his views and what he likes to do in his own private time though.

Watching porn is not necessarily any reflection on you, your body or your sex life.

I like watching porn and so does my DH, it's not for everyone but unless you specifically told him you didn't want him to do this before you married him, I think YABU to tell him what he can and can't watch now.

This thread will of course turn into a bun fight and all the usual posters will trot out the same old arguments on both sides.

However, you need to make your own mind up after you've had a heart to heart with him.

Good luck.

PosiePetrifyingParker Tue 11-Oct-11 12:36:20

You have every right to feel hurt, angry, betrayed and very disappointed.
I honestly don't think a small venture into porn for people who aren't really thinking about the industry and who believe the myth that the women love it are not inherently bad people. I do think some really lovely people occasionally look at porn and it doesn't alter their perception of women.
You don't have to make allowances for porn just because you don't feel like having sex. This can still be a big no no in your relationship. Although you should think that your DH may want to masturbate.
Intimacy generally may be a separate issue you need to address, we all like to feel wanted.
You need to do something about the way you feel about yourself, having babies isn't the end of feeling attractive. You should do this for yourself.
Talk it through until you feel okay.

PosiePetrifyingParker Tue 11-Oct-11 12:38:49

Erm and erotic stories are not porn are they? They're erotic literature and the clips are incidental.

So the same old posters can't trot out the same.

OP you need to change porn for erotica in your OP to avoid the usual bunfight.

squarebugs Tue 11-Oct-11 12:42:30

But I can never live up to that skinny, pert boobed and waxed to within an inch of my life look. I feel like he has cheated on me with a better looking woman sad

It was erotica he looked at but there was also a site with actual clips - not illegal exactly but a lot more risky than I would be into. But then maybe I am a sexual bore and that is the problem

violet79 Tue 11-Oct-11 12:43:21

when i put on weight a few years back i used to avoid being intimate, i can understand how you feel when to get naked and feel disappointed can make yuo want to get dressed again and hide...
i have since lost wieght but decided to put most of it back on as my husband preferred the curves...maybe what you need is a little reassurance from your husband that he adores you the way you are to boost your confidence so that you can be intimate. i agree with posie that not being intimate is not really a good reason for the porn, probably the being tipsy is more to blame, some people can do some really silly things when they are tipsy and make the strangest excuses for it...
if hes never done it before id say theres a good chance that having a good word with him about how it makes you feel might nip it in the bud. Just let him know that any hurt it causes you will most definatly outweigh anything he could possibly get from it and then agree to work on your intimacy.

MrSpoc Tue 11-Oct-11 12:43:27

Op its erotic literature not cheating and talking to other woMEN. Try to keep it in perspective. Althought you may not be having sex now he still has his urges. Better he has a wank than to pester you.

May be you both need to sit down and figure out why the sex has died and may be both work out how things could change (that does imply you want things to change)

Snowboarder Tue 11-Oct-11 12:43:32

I am of the mind the looking at porn (as long as it's not anything extreme and all involved are willing) doesn't actually mean anything. I am pretty sure most men do it, including my husband - although I don't ask and he doesn't tell. As long as he's not doing it right in front of me, or wanting me to act out things he's seen I honestly couldn't care less.

Porn is about fantasy - how many women can admit to never thinking about anyone else whilst they are having sex with their partner, however briefly?

MrsHuxtable Tue 11-Oct-11 12:45:35

I'm sorry you're upset. If it makes you feel any better, I like to look at porn sometimes and it has nothing to do with my relationship. In fact, the topic was discussed somewhere on here quite recently and I remember a lot of posters saying they did it too.

Proudnreallyveryscary Tue 11-Oct-11 12:46:02

What Worra said

And of course this will turn into a bun fight

worraliberty Tue 11-Oct-11 12:48:23

If you said you fancied Brad Pitt would your DH suddenly feel he had to 'live up to him' or look like him?

It's not about that, it's about the sex.

Most women look the same in porn movies anyway, so unless he has an actual favourite porn star...it's not about the individual women but the sexual acts themselves.

Blimey, I don't think I've ever seen a decent looking man (that didn't look gay anyway) in a porn movie. So if I watched porn for that reason, I'd be very disappointed! grin

I love my DH and I love his body. I don't want to run off with any of the men in porn films but I still like watching them.

It's hard to explain really but it's not about you and how you look. I'm sure your DH loves you just the way you are.

Right, I'm really leaving this thread now before the pigeons swoop for the stale buns later on grin

Snowboarder Tue 11-Oct-11 12:48:30

That said Square, I'm sorry you are upset. Perhaps this is more about how you feel about yourself than about the porn per se? Have you tried getting your love life back on track?

Me and my DH had a long gap without having sex recently (we were advised not to whilst I was pregnant as my pregnancy was high risk), and now, 7 mo after our DS was born we're only just getting back into the swing of things so to speak. I had been feeling quite low but feel much better now we have the intimacy back.

violet79 Tue 11-Oct-11 12:48:37

squarebugs...
men dont want skinny...well most dont ...well most the ones i know dont ...wheni was skinny undressed i looked like nothing more than a skeleton with skin and i couldnt wait to put my wieght back on...boobs dont have to be pert...men just like them to be sensitive and responsive...dont compare yourself with these people...everyone is different and sexy in their own way...
btw i would feel like i had been cheated on if my husband looked at porn too in fact my ex husband did and it felt like i had been cheated on then...and my husband says he would feel like i have cheated on him if i watched it too...this is a normal way to feel...but please try and remember your husband was tipsy and is now embaressed which i can only assume would easily also mean he was ashamed...im sure that he sounds like the sort of man who would be willing to put this in his past.

smileyfacestar Tue 11-Oct-11 12:50:48

I agree with Snowboarder. Most men do it and I would rather my husband looked at (regular) porn than go out on the pull. It doesn't upset me and it is simply a 'release' when I am not up for it. He loves me and prefers my normal body to the waxed, tanned, skinny things on the sites!

violet79 Tue 11-Oct-11 12:52:07

worral...funny you should say that...i did in fact once say that i fancied brad pitt and my husband did in fact feel like he had to live up to him...but to be fair ...i wasnt ever sat thinking about having sex with brad pitt. I dont bother myself with crushes now we are married...ive got all the man i want...i know not many people in relationships would go that far but it does make for one hell of a peaceful relationship smile

OriginalGhoster Tue 11-Oct-11 12:52:45

YABU he has not betrayed you, he is reading erotic stories (which are other peoples sexual fantasies) as an outlet for his sexuality. Would you have been upset if you'd walked in on him wanking in the bath and fantasising in his head?

MeconiumHappens Tue 11-Oct-11 13:00:46

YABU, its fantasy, he's not humping your next door neighbour. I know my
husband, like most men, will look at porn from time to time. No big deal.

Ps you dont have to 'live up to' anything. He's married to you.

I think the issue is more about your confidence than about him. Id be careful not to make him feel terrible over this when the issues are really yours. Unless you have some specific "i wont tolerate this" clause to your relationship where he has previosuly agreed to.

crazygracieuk Tue 11-Oct-11 13:01:22

Yanbu to be upset as your sex life is sparse but devastated/betrayal is too strong.

I think that this is a wake up call to both of you to talk and make time for each other.

CactusRash Tue 11-Oct-11 13:03:04

squarebugs, you seem to be very down and hard on yourself.
You also say that you've been feeling overwhelmedby your dcs who are very demanding.

I think your problem isn't as much in your H looking at porn but with yurself and how you feel about you.
You don't need to compare to the women in those clips. Very few real women would be like this anyway, and certainly not after 2 dcs!
These clips aren't reality. They are just fantasies and need to be treated as such.
So the question is really why do you feel threaten?

mambo14 Tue 11-Oct-11 13:03:13

people have very different ideas on this I know.

I'm offering my point of view as possibly some reasurrance...

I watch porn a lot, I ready erotic fiction a lot, I masturbate a lot. My husband knows I do. We have mismatched sex drives. (mine is high, his is low, plus 2 small kids, half the time we can't be arsed with sex anyway).
Sometimes I like to unwind with a self induced orgasm. The erotica and porn helps me get there.
I LOVE my hubby, I think he's gorgeous even with his man boobs and his beer gut, he does it for me!
The 2 things are totally seperate for me. I think of masturbating like having a brew or a glass of wine or a cig...just a bit of time for me to wind down and it only takes 10mins and I'm not bothering anyone and it's less energetic than sex when you're knackered and want to go to sleep!

EricNorthmansMistress Tue 11-Oct-11 13:08:04

YABU
whatever the rights and wrongs of looking at porn, he is an adult man with sexual urges and he has the perfect right to relieve those urges and have a sex life as long as it doesn't include anyone else.

Reading erotica isn't the same as watching porn and as a feminist I have zero problem with it (and have written some myself). The clips would be advertising, trying to get revenue for the site and incidental to the erotica.

This is about you feeling vulnerable and non sexual. Fine - so deal with that (with his support). Don't feel you have the right to prevent him from having a sexual side, and don't take it personally! Adult humans need sexual release and they fantasise. Even those in perfectly satisfying sexual relationships.

Amaunet Tue 11-Oct-11 13:12:08

Have you and H previously discussed how you both feel about porn?

minimisschief Tue 11-Oct-11 13:13:27

Nothing wrong with watching porn. If he lieks to watch it then that is his choice imo.

The only thing that would be a problem is if he preferred watching it than having sex with you.

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