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to not want to meet the mistress?

(17 Posts)
trailingwires Tue 11-Oct-11 01:52:38

About a year ago I got a job for a friend's wife, working with me. Now the friend has applied for a divorce and moved out of the marital lodge in my boyfriend's house...with his mistress! He is not a particularly close friend of either of us. However his wife and I work together every day.

I feel caught in the middle and extremely awkward and I don't want to meet the woman, which means I've refused to go to my boyfriend's house while they are there. My boyfriend thinks I should support his decision to house them, regardless of whether I agree with it, and still go round to his and meet her if she happens to be there. He says I'm putting my colleague before him on my priority list. AIBU?

Bogeymanface Tue 11-Oct-11 02:01:04

No, not in the slightest. Apart from the moral implications of seeming that you condone his adultery, it will make your working life very difficult.

You can avoid your BFs house but you cant avoid going to work. And this woman will need her friends and colleagues at a time like this, and you sound like both. My main worry would be that if your BF thinks that this is ok and you should be ok with it too, what does that say about him and his attitude to adultery?

hairychesty Tue 11-Oct-11 02:19:57

I agree with Bogey, your boyfriends attitude to adultery tends to show him in a bad light.
Also he seems to have no sympathy at all to your predicament.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 11-Oct-11 07:32:20

YABU... The couple have split up. The marriage is over. He's with someone new and she isn't. Couples split up all the time and many go on to have new relationships, second marriages etc. Do you disapprove of everyone that's on their second time around? By avoiding your boyfriend's house, you're straining your own relationship. By visiting your boyfriend's house, you'd be condoning nothing whatsoever.

SoupDragon Tue 11-Oct-11 07:34:54

This isn't "just" a second relationship though, is it? It's not like they split up and then he found someone else.

trixie123 Tue 11-Oct-11 09:09:15

tricky one this - I would agree your first loyalty should be to your friend in this instance,especially if this has just happened but can you not find some middle ground whereby you will go to your boyfriend's house but not necessarily particpate in group dinners or evenings in etc. You are there to see him not them. The "mistress" is not the problem really, its the husband that did the cheating and I would be more concerned about how to deal with that.

welliesandpyjamas Tue 11-Oct-11 09:16:12

Don't let someone else's relationship breakup cause problems for your own. If possible, explain to the ex wife how awkward it is but say that you can't stay away forever, reassure her that you have no interest in seeing the new woman or having a friendship with her. Then DO go back to visiting your boyfriend's house, maybe a little bit at a time, but be nothing more than polite to the ex husband and his new woman.

slavetofilofax Tue 11-Oct-11 09:39:08


Is the relationship with your bf a serious one in that it is likely you will live together at some point?

If yes, I think you should be putting him first. You can disagree with his descision to house his friend though. It seems quite strange that he would let someone and his girlfriend move in if they are not that close though.

But if the two men are good friends, then your bf has as much right to support his friend as you have to support your colleague. If one of my friends had an affair and was stuck with nowhere to live, I would give them somewhere to stay because of friendship, not because I condone affairs.

And anyway, you don't know what happened in that marriage, you have one side of the story, and even that only includes what someone has chosen to tell you.

Stop making judgements, stay out of it, and don't allow it to have any impact on your relationship. You are only making it hard for yourself and your bf if you don't go to his house. No one else will care if you go or not.

trailingwires Tue 11-Oct-11 15:53:50

I do know a little of both sides but only what each of them have decided to tell me. He has been trawling the internet for months looking for someone else (he told me this). She has told me they were sleeping separately and they were both unhappy with each other. I can't understand why he would want to stay at my bf's place though - I think he is trying to rub his wife's nose in it. I just want to stay out of it all really

mumsamilitant Tue 11-Oct-11 16:08:12

It is a bit awkward but.

Maybe he's staying at your boyfriends house because he had the room and needed the extra cash.

Like everyone said, sounds like there's no love left on either side so not a problem.

Have you spoken to your colleague about it? Why can't you just tell her that you aren't taking sides but he IS your boyfriend and you can't really avoid seeing her.

trailingwires Wed 12-Oct-11 17:36:47

I'm pretty sure my colleague doesn't even know about the other woman. If she does she hasn't said, but then it is such a personal thing I don't think I should bring it up.

Slavetofilofax, would you give your friend and her lover a place to stay even though your bf/dp works with her husband? Do you think he would be comfortable with that? Who would you be putting first in that scenario?

havinhoops1974 Wed 12-Oct-11 18:08:15

Did they get together before splitting up?? OP??

deburca Wed 12-Oct-11 18:23:09

trailing id be very careful. Ive been in a similar situation although I was good friends with both members of the marriage. Its their marriage and their relationship that has ended. I think you shouldnt take sides but carry on your own relationship and treat this man and his new girlfriend just as you would anyone else, be polite. You dont have to be friendly to the point where you are uncomfortable but I would take care not to cause offence also.

You dont know what went on in that marriage, no one does except the people involved in it.

LydiaWickham Wed 12-Oct-11 18:28:47

I think it's perfectly acceptable to decide you don't want to socialise with the sort of woman who will shag a married man. I think it's perfectly acceptable to question if your BF's attitudes to adultary and fidelity as he's clearly ok with the OW being in his house. I think it's perfectly acceptable to question your friendship with someone when they show a side of their personality you don't like, even if it doesn't affect you directly.

YANBU - your BF is putting his friend before you.

deburca Wed 12-Oct-11 18:41:56

lydia to be direct I think that is bad advice to give the OP. Its encouraging her to take a stand on someone elses relationship.

As for the op's boyfriend, thats his decision - he may need the money - he may well sympathise who knows - he is allowing them to stay regardless. I dont think foremost in his mind was putting someone before his girlfriend, its bizarre actually for you to say that imo.

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 12-Oct-11 21:04:52

"My boyfriend thinks I should support his decision to house them, regardless of whether I agree with it ... He says I'm putting my colleague before him on my priority list."
But isn't he putting this 'friend' before you on his priority list? And it's not like this 'friend' is your boyfriend's BFF is he - you said yourself He is not a particularly close friend of either of us.

And that's even before I snigger at the notion that you must support a decision you disagree with - this is RL, not Cabinet collective responsibility. grinIs your boyfriend a politician?

I think you are right about the 'friend' trying to rub his wife's nose in it. How does your boyfriend feel about being used in this way? Does he even see that he is being used?

LydiaWickham Wed 12-Oct-11 21:30:03

Well, while it might be wrong to tell other people how to live their lives, it's perfectly acceptable to look at how they choose to live their lives and then make a judgement based on their behaviour as to if you want to be sociable with this person.

OP's BF thinks his friend and his new partner's feelings are more important than the OPs.

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