to consider moving when it would mean my DC's would have to make sacrifices?(29 Posts)
After some advice if you would. Sorry its a long one.
I really dislike where I live. Its partly the house (which needs a lot of work doing to it), but also partly the street (full of idiots who generally make my life a misery). I would love to move, but have put it to the back of my mind, but now DH is adamant he wants to move too (before he was never that bothered) so we are seriously considering it. Now this creates 2 problems which I would like your honest opinions please.
We live in a council house so we may have to make some sacrifices cos there's not a lot just sitting around empty waiting for people.
Firstly, to get the best chance of getting somewhere we might have to look a bit further out than our neighbourhood which would mean DS (age 6) would have to change schools. Not normally a problem for most, but he has been diagnosed with Autism. One of the big characteristics is routine, if DS were to change schools he would have to cope with new teachers, new children, new building, new routines etc etc etc all of which are generally hard for Autistic people to generaly cope with, plus I also feel bad for the school. They have done a lot for DS including getting him a really really nice TA who both DS and me really get on with (I couldnt have picked a better person myself). She of course would then potentially be unemployed if we changed DS's school (not something I feel comfortable with)
The second thing is we may have to downsize too which would mean DD1 and DD2 would have to grow up sharing a bedroom, there's just under 4 yrs age gap. I know other people have done this, but as I havent I would like to know what its like. Is it something that can be lived with or should it be avoided at all costs?
All I want is a house that I feel comfortable in, one where if I need to go to the shop Im not checking to see who's outside first, one where Im not terrified of it snowing in winter (last year we were bombarded with snowballs for hours). Am i being selfish to think about moving when it would mean all my children may have to sacrifice something just so I can be happier?
Forget about you for a second, will your children be happier? Honestly? You have your decision.
The problem is neighbours are always there - it can start to affect how you behave and how you feel - at least that what I've found and I'm on edge alot of the time.
How far is a 'bit further' is it definitely not a commutable distance to the current school? I shared with sis nearly five years younger - it was aright though got my own room at 15 when older sibling moved out.
I dont know if they will or not. DS is 6 and has said he is happy to move. DDs are 3 and 2 weeks. I dont know if they will be happier here with own rooms or somewhere that mummy is happier but sharing a room. I dont know what its like to share a room (hence the question) so I cant say if my children will be happier.
tbh i would move, it may be hard at 1st to deal with your son, but new routines ect can be put into place.
We have a three bed - they were all in the big back room together and fairly happy till DS was about 3 and started getting very silly at night time- we'd tried separating them before that and they'd not been happy - going to find siblings in the night or us.
Two girls just under 4 years apart in together now and DS in single. They love sharing - still find DS occasionally goes back into girls room to sleep.
I think at 3 and 2 weeks if they end up sharing they'll know no different - my eldest couldn't wait to have youngest in with them. As for when they are older - who knows what your finances will be like or where you'll be.
Perhaps best option is to look at all your options - see what out there and how far it is from the current school then do a pro and con list. It is hard to say whether your DC will be happier sharing a room - as it depends on what their personalities end up being but given their ages they'll probably just accept it.
I would move. I do understand the difficulties with your son (and maybe this would help with your relocation, maybe they'd try a little harder to find somewhere in the same area?), but he will adjust. I don't think living where you do is going to be good for the kids at all - it would be much better to have the girls sharing a room than having their own rooms somewhere you are all unhappy.
I take it you propose to move to private rented accomodation which will involve initial expenditure? Deposit, month in advance etc.,
I doubt someone would swap with you under the circumstances you describe with regards the area within which you live.
If you cannot afford to maintain your own home how do you propose to maintain a new home.
Initially my thoughts were don't move the child, move somewhere near where you can still send him to the same school, a child with SN needs stability, what if he cannot get the same structure at a new school? You would have let him down.
I'd say look for alternative housing but make your sons school a priority with regards his needs, don't move to a house you want move to a nicer place because it has just a good a school for your child.
Long term effects on him could be huge and emotionally it could cause him problems for a few years.
I'd wait until he went to Junior or Secondary school, but thats me.
How far are you wanting to move? Is it worth telling potential new school how effective the TA was and could they employ her?
fabby It would be either an exchange (we live in a 4 bed ATM and so may get people happy to snap it up for their 3 bed - other people in our street have found exchanges. Also we live within walking distance to the city centre so people who rely on public transport may want to move away from the middle of nowhere) or a move to another HA or council house (Im on the list, but there is a bidding system, we will not get one in the city or suburbs, but do have a better chance moving to another town cos not as many people want those so dont bid)
When it comes to maintaining, a lot of it is decorating or its repairs that the council should be doing, but all they do is the cheapest they can. Anyway its partly the house, but mainly the street. The house we can sort
and may have to if we would like an exchange
I have taken on board about the SN bits though. Although I do have to say that his autism isnt obvious to those that dont know so in my mind he's not serverly autistic, just has some signs and shows characteristics (hand flapping, obssessed with certain objects etc). I say in my mind because i dont personally think he's that bad and will grow up to live a perfectly normal life, but I could just be wishfull thinking there.
The house needing work - you could do the work.
The street full of idiots making your life a misery - not really likely to change, is it? And always the potential for the idiots to start bullying your boy, which would potentially be far worse for him than changing routines.
My sister was four years older than me, we shared a room until she left home. Honestly, it was fine. I'd never known anything different anyway, she never seemed to have a problem either.
With the details you've given, I personally wouldn't hesitate to move as soon as somewhere suitable became available.
skybluepearl I had thought of that, but what if she didnt want to or couldnt work at that school for whatever reason.
I dont know how far it would be TBH. Personally Id love it to be as close as possible so not to disrupt DS's schooling, but as I said before there's not a lot of houses to go around so we would have a much better chance of getting somewhere if we were to look a bit further out. Im not talking the other end of the country, infact will have the same local telephone dialling code, but it may be too far for DS to continue at the same school.
No council house anywhere should be in a poor state. The rent you pay goes into a general Housing Revenue Account (HRA) for upkeep, and also should be paying for housing estate officers and/or wardens to combat anti-social behaviour.
Tbh I would complain to your local PCSO and put in a formal complaint to the council about the state of your house and street.
Could you move but keep him at his school? Some people tavel up to 5 miles and more to take the DC to school.
You want to exchange? My take on council accomodation is you do the decorating yourself they fix repairs and I have always had repairs done within a week at the most.
You need to spend time and effort, and money redecorating to make it presentable, it is something you should constantly be doing, I don't understand why people live in places that need decorating, isn't it something that is ongoing? i.e maintaning?
Well, I would hesitate to decorate a room that needed some sort of repair that would mean it would have to be redecorated again post-repair.
I'm looking for a 4 bed exchange lol.... Got a lovely 3 bed, but I just know you aren't local!
fabby My council have never repaired things that quickly also never that well. Also the previous tennants got thrown out so trashed the house so we moved into a shithole and has taken a lot of work to get it where it is now and we still have some more to do. Its been a big job and is still ongoing. Im asking if IBU to want to move if it means my DC's sacrificing some things, DS change of school and DD's sharing rooms. The fact that the house needs stuff doing to it (yes it may be a contributing reason why I want to move, but thats it) is not what Im asking about.
When I lived in council accomodation if a room needed repairs you got an allowance to redecorate it.
General household repairs the tenant does, I see no reason to call out the council for a wonky door, a blocked toilet.
You could move and keep his current school though?
Oh fuck off fabby. The issue is not the house needing repairs no matter who should do it, the issue is should I look to moving when it means my DC's may have to make some sacrifices so stop bloody going on and on about repairs.
mumbling that would really depend where we move to. We would have a better chance of getting somewhere if we look to move somewhere further away than the school catchment area. I understand that he has a place at the school now, but his sisters wont and how easy will it be to do school runs at more than one school?
Move now. It's much easier to re-settle in a primary school, than it would be to wait until he goes to secondary.
Where we are I am lonely: no friends, no family, no chidlcare...
and a wonderful place for children to grow up; potential for DH; a house with a nice LL: access to an ASD Comp that is very rare in it's type..... a fab Sn Priamry Base that ds3 adores
go home or stay here? Dh fancies home for friends, me family
but kids mean we stay here without a doubt
I think it sounds like you would ALL have a better quality of life if you moved. Many children have to move schools and/or share rooms when they're growing up - these are not major 'sacrifices'. Go for it!
It sounds like it would be a massive risk to move tbh.
You've got lots of space, a great school and helpful ta for your ds (which is hard to find! I have a ds with autism too) plus your kids like it where you are.
The only problem is neighbours that you don't like.
What if you move somewhere further away, less convenient location, change schools, make your dcs share rooms and then STILL end up with neighbours you don't like and local kids who throw snowballs at your house?
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