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AIBU to feel absolutely desperate because of his habit..

(27 Posts)
Schnitzel Mon 10-Oct-11 21:20:53

I apologise. I'm posting in this section due to higher traffic.

I am feeling utterly desperate. My partner is a marijuana smoker and it is now very heavily affecting all aspects of our lives. I feel very anxious a lot of the time as he has appalling mood swings when he has come-downs and he causes arguments and often acts unreasonable. He laments afterwards and does want to stop, but then the same cycle of events usually happens again soon after.

At the weekend he had a massive flip out over something. Afterwards when he had calmed down a bit he admitted he had not smoked for a few days as he wanted to quit but was suffering terrible side effects. We both agreed that the side effects were not likely to be a walk in the park but he said he just wanted to roll with them.

It is now a day later and I spoke to him a minute ago and he said that he had just smoked one as the side effects from the come down were too much.

I am posting here in the hope that SOMEBODY might be able to give us some advice or point us in the right direction. Where can he get help? Serious, common sense help. Does anybody know of anyone who has had a similar habit and managed to stop? How did they do it? I am thinking of taking him to see a nutritional therapist to see which supplements might support him in stopping. However, my fear is that he just does not have the willpower to stop and will 'give in' every time because it's just too difficult.

I do love him and want to be with him (we have been together for over 5 years and have a child) however it's now getting to the point where I'm feeling like I'm being short changed in life because of this terrible state of affairs. I am continually having to walk on eggshells around him due to the fear of him 'blowing up' in one of his moods. This is no life for me (or him, or our child).

If you have any words of advice, PLEASE HELP!

Thank you.

worraliberty Mon 10-Oct-11 21:23:08

I've never known anyone to really need a lot of help...just 3 days willpower seems to be the 'norm' even for the heaviest smokers.

It's a mentally addictive drug so the physical side isn't really an issue.

stayforappledunking Mon 10-Oct-11 21:24:47

my STBXH is a stoner. The comedowns were horrible, though he always swore it was nothing to do with the weed. He smoked it from a young teen though he has stopped for a few months at a time. Your partner needs to go to the doctors. From experience with friends as well, he may need a short course of AD's for stopping. If he has been a long term smoker, he may need counselling, my ex was referred for it as the doctor believed he hadnt learned the correct coping methods non users do for dealing with stress etc and so would go back to it unless he learned ways to cope without it. Best of luck, none of it worked for the ex and I chose to cut my losses. Being with a stoner is a miserable existence...yet apparently its harmless. <snort> (bitter much?!)

Redbluegreen Mon 10-Oct-11 21:27:46

Does he mix it with tobacco, and is it therefore likely that he is a nicotine addict? My partner struggled with this, and he started by cutting out the weed, and just smoking roll-ups. He then gave up smoking completely, as he found he wasn't actually very keen on the cigarettes, so just used patches for a while.

I sympathise hugely, as the mood swings and argument causing was a dreadful thing to go through, as well as the fact he stank and had horrible breath. I'm so pleased he's put it behind him.

He needs to care about it enough to give up though, is what it comes down to. I did a lot of emotional blackmail to get him to start giving up, as a friend of ours had died of lung cancer, and we have children, so I laid a big guilt trip of 'is this what you want your children to see happen to you?', as well as telling him how bad he smelled, etc.

fuckityfuckfuckfuck Mon 10-Oct-11 21:27:47

I've seen people be properly fucked up by weed. One ended up in a psychiatric hospital, others have just bumbled through their 20s with no sense of urgency and have wasted years of their life. It's a horrible drug. I wouldn;t have anyone with a weed habit in my childs life as ultimately the weed will be more important to them. I think you should give him a real ultimtum. You and your child, or his smoking. If he doesn;t give up, it shows how fucked up his priorities are and you're better off without him. It's a very har drug to stop btw, he'll tell you it's not that big a deal to have a joint every now and then, and the habit will keep going. Very difficult to stop from what I've seen, not least because so many people will downplay it's seriousness.

Homelybird Mon 10-Oct-11 21:33:52

Hi, I really do not value my advice much (in general) so take from it what you will.

My dp was heavily into drugs as were/are his friends. Since kids have started to come along the hard drugs are out. However there is still a belief that a joint or two or three a day is the same as people drinking at the end of the day. However like with drinking at the end of the day, one or two glasses occasionally is completely different from one or two bottles a night!

We have two friends who smoked too much very heavily affected their every day lives. One being dp brother (in fact you could be my sil posting iyswim). He smokes to be 'normal' and feels abnormal without. Although he says he wants to quit it is obvious he is saying this to please his dp and has no intention of giving up. The other friend has quit. He was just if not worse than dp's brother and he decided after splitting from his ex enough was enough so he went to his gp and seeked proper help and hasn't touch the stuff for a year after a battle but he did it because that's what he wanted.

So basically I know it's a cliche but he really needs to want this.

I have probably crossed posts with a lot better advice but thought I'd share. It's horrible to have a life which is dictated to by addiction. He needs to want to change else as harsh as this sounds things won't change.

Bledkr Mon 10-Oct-11 21:37:41

The solid brown stuff isnt addictive but actual skunk is very addictive and also mind altering.It is so common these days and the legal penalties very feeble.
He needs to realy want to give up and not for you or his child but for himself in order to do so sucessfully.
One thing people do is to replace the weed with solid for a bit before quitting.Do you not have a voluntary drug advice centre locally?That would be a good start,or his gp?
People can be very judgey about this drug and its dependency which is a shame as we recognise alcoholism and other drug addictions.
I would definately approach some voluntary agencies or phone frank.

Bledkr Mon 10-Oct-11 21:40:35

Where are you and i will research what is available,i work in this field but am on mat leave but will ask around.

SheepAreSuper Mon 10-Oct-11 21:43:35

OP does he smoke cigarettes? The physical side affects will often be from nicotine withdrawal rather than dope.
Psychological side effects of the drug, if he suffers in that way, will generally be present anyway and won't worsen with withdrawal. I have a few friends with a hereditary mental illness disposition which is exacerbated by the drug but not everyone is affected in the same way.
I quit. Some years ago now with no problems although I still smoked cigarettes. I wanted to quit though and i despite all those around me still smoking.
On the other hand I am an absolute nightmare when withdrawing from nicotine.

Drug helpline such as FRANK will be able to advise you about what to expect but only he can make the decision to quit it.

Good luck OP.

Schnitzel Mon 10-Oct-11 21:45:56

BLEDKR - How very kind of you. I have sent you a PM.

Others - I have read the responses so far and they are extremely useful. Thank you.

Schnitzel Mon 10-Oct-11 21:57:47

To answer some questions, yes he is a tobacco smoker. He is always saying he wants to stop smoking tobacco too - but never does!

My thoughts mirror a lot of you posters here in that I too believe that the only way he will stop is if he WANTS to stop himself. I don't truly believe he does. That is the absolutely gutting thing and if he doesn't stop it will undeniably ultimately lead to me finally having enough, as this is just no life. I feel very sorry for him......but don't seem to be able to help him.

AnyPhantomFucker Mon 10-Oct-11 22:05:47

I am really sorry, but perhaps this man has to reach rock bottom before he will stop

Meaning that mere threats that you will leave will never work if you are not prepared to follow through with them

What would need to happen for you to decide that enough is enough ? Your child is being given a very poor example here.

if you really think you have tried everything to support him in this perhaps your tack has to change completely.

In that you are no longer prepared to live with a drug addict, and won't consider reconciling until he is completely drug free

have you taken advice from somewhere like Narcotics Anonymous ?

solidgoldbrass Mon 10-Oct-11 22:09:33

There is absolutely nothing you can do to make a drug addict stop taking drugs unless and until the addict decides that s/he wants to stop taking drugs. Threats, promises, crying, pleading... NONE of it will work. Your only option is to get rid of the addict unless you are prepared to wait for the addict to choose to change.

Pseudo341 Mon 10-Oct-11 22:11:01

Since you've pretty much said that you'll eventually end your relationship if the situation doesn't improve I'd say an ultimatum could be worth a try, give him a chance to fix things before you've reached the point of no return. Moving onto the brown resin from something stronger is a good idea, and then later on to just tobacco, rather than just trying to stop the whole lot in one go. I also think getting some professional help could work if you could persuade him to get it. Good luck.

onepieceofcremeegg Mon 10-Oct-11 22:15:05

Schnitzel I work in mental health. This charity is one that we often point people towards. I would recommend that it is worth approaching them. The one local to my work area has drop in sessions so no need for an appointment initially.

As others have said I think you need to consider whether you want to wait for him to seek help/decide to change. It has to come from him, not you.

stayforappledunking Mon 10-Oct-11 22:17:19

I will say, if you go for the rock bottom approach be absolutely certain its what you want. I agree with AF that it can take that for an addict to finally get sorted...but even losing it all is often not enough. My Ex has lost me and though he still sees his kids, he has lost life as a family. Still he smokes it. Just be prepared that if you ultimatum and proceed it may spell the end. I was glad it did for me.

stouffer Mon 10-Oct-11 22:23:39

TBH your husband needs to get his thumb out of his arse and decide what his priorities are. I'm speaking as someone who has been in his position, and believe me the only person who can affect any change is him.

Personally I say stuff counselling etc, it's just quackery as far as I'm concerned. He needs to cut the weed (plus the fags) and accept the fact that he is going to have a rough month or so while the crap works it's way out of his system. He will need to make sure that he doesn't start compensating in other ways such as crawling into a bottle; what worked for me was hard exercise, building up capacity gradually and remembering why I was doing it; I grew up as the child of a functioning alcoholic and stoner and I didn't want my daughter to grow up seeing me as I did my father. Plus, we couldn't afford it and there is nothing worse than having to care for a baby at 5am when you are still half cut from the night before.

He will need your support and yet more tolerance if he does go this way as it's a rough method, but I can vouch for it working (7 years clean). Oddly, what finally persuaded me to knock it all on my head was one night when I was doing my nut because I had run out of weed and was also having nicotine withdrawal my wife quietly asked me "why do you keep doing this to yourself?" I've never forgotten that.

Bottom line: he either wants to quit or he doesn't. It sounds like one spliff is too many and ten is not enough; time to knock it on the head I would say.

CumbrianCooBeastie Mon 10-Oct-11 22:28:26

A friend of mine had this problem. Tried to stop, had severe mood swings, even some hallucinations. I'd advise him going to the GP for help - they DO help with this sort of thing you know.

My friend's GP (apologies I didn't take in all the details) told him about serotonin levels and receptors, but also said all this was immaterial without good old fashioned willpower.

stayforappledunking Mon 10-Oct-11 22:38:41

If you take it like stopping smoking say. I am a smoker. I have quit for each pregnancy just like that (4 times for a year at a time) plain old cold turkey. Obviously not entirely successful due to the fact I have gone back to it at times of serious stress, but the point is that will power alone can be enough. For some people.

Then there is my mother. Long term smoker of 60 a day. Due to a heart scare she was advised to stop. She needed sessation, and went on nicorette minis. Now a year on she is still not smoking. She couldnt do it on her own, even knowing she was seriously risking her health. Some people DO need help and doctors/counselling should not be dismissed lightly.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Mon 10-Oct-11 22:48:19

My DP has smoked weed for 20 years. He says he has stopped now though (and I do think he has). I think it is mostly down to willpower as it isn't supposed to be an addictive drug but from what I can see people become reliant on it. My DP used to help him sleep amongst other reasons.

It has nearly ruined our relationship several times over the years and is one of the reasons I have walked out in the past. I absolutely fucking hate the stuff. You have my utmost sympathy OP. I am hoping my DP goes to the doctor to sort out counselling for his issues (this being one of them) so he never, ever uses it again. I think your DP's first stop should be the GP or similar but you can not make him go. Good luck with it all though.

biddysmama Mon 10-Oct-11 22:55:53

my ex was the same and wouldnt quit although when he didnt have any he was hell to be around sad

i ended up leaving him, it wasnt worth the stress

TheSmallClanger Mon 10-Oct-11 23:13:09

Forget nutritional therapists, they are a bunch of quacks. Your partner does not need supplements, he needs willpower and the desire to change. If he's only saying he'll stop to appease you, he will never stop.

I've known a few people get massively involved with weed, and it has a nasty habit of curtailing motivation. Does he hold down a job, and does he manage to have other interests apart from smoking? If so, then there is some hope.

If he does really want to quit, you need some support from someone who really knows what they are talking about - other suggestions upthread are good.

oldsilverbullet Mon 10-Oct-11 23:29:22

Lurking: dp in the middle of hopefully his last hash strop come down he's given up the fags too - 2 weeks now, he's still waking at silly hour of the morning and I have my tin hat on cause of all the verbal shrapnel flying around.

AnyPhantomFucker Mon 10-Oct-11 23:32:51

OSB, verbal shrapnel ?

how vile

I suggest you get him out of your house, while he is taking it out on the people around him

or put him in the fucking shed or something

how horrible sad

Schnitzel Mon 17-Oct-11 10:09:55

Just wanted to give you all an update. Thank you ALL for your responses, advice and experiences. All very helpful and they opened my eyes to be able to communicate some things in a better way to my partner.

So, I spoke to him and told him that I was now at the end of my tether and that he now had to choose between his smoking and his family. He knows how serious this is now and has said that he has stopped. I asked him to contact one of the support agencies that were mentioned and at the moment he is wanting to do it by himself (not too happy about this, but at least it's a start), however, if things get difficult I may try and persuade him to call them to get their advice. I made him delete the number of his dealer in his phone (although I'm not stupid, I know if he was so inclined he could find it (the number or drugs) elsewhere).

The next month will be interesting. I'm a bit anxious that he will cave in next time he gets stressed about something, but I have to believe in him and try and trust him, otherwise that will also get us nowhere.

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