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AIBU?

To think if someone turns you down, they shouldn't then......

43 replies

pollyblue · 10/10/2011 20:35

.......say "we will go out for a drink sometime"? Or AIB a bit sensitive and mardy?

Will be as brief as I can - I asked her (I'm gay) out for a drink months back, she said yes, she mentioned it a couple of times over the next few weeks ("oh we must sort something out" kind of thing) but nothing was ever arranged. I (trying to be v cool) didn't push it, but did mention it once when I emailed her about something else. She ignored it, so I thought oh well, that's that then.

At a "do" a couple of months later she said (out of the blue, we were talking about something else) that she wasn't gay so she felt she had to ignore the going out for a drink offer - which i thought was a bit odd because by then she'd actually mentioned it more than me. She then said that she was in the process of splitting up with her boyfriend. I was fine and cheerful, a bit relieved really that i know for sure she isn't gay now, and would've quite happily left it at that, then she said "when I've got things sorted out with D, we'll go for a drink."

I realise now I should've said "why?" but i just mumbled "ok then" and wandered off, a bit baffled. Mentioned it to a friend later who said "ooh, she's just thrown you a curved ball." I don't know, not sure what one of those is! (bit thick emoticon). But for heaven's sake, why would you say that and not mean it?

V trivial I know. I really should get out more.

OP posts:

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Kayano · 10/10/2011 20:39

Maybe she isn't gay but wants to go for a drink with you as friends once all the drama from her life is over?

ScaredKittyWitchyKitty · 10/10/2011 20:39

She's messing you around. Move onto someone who doesn't.

worraliberty · 10/10/2011 20:40

What Kayano said.

BatsUpMeNightie · 10/10/2011 20:41

Maybe she doesn't know for sure that she's gay? Did your gaydar go off? I dunno - she might be scared?

pollyblue · 10/10/2011 20:41

Yes, maybe it is as simple as that. If it is that, I wish she'd said so earlier. I would be happy with that. See, i said I'm a bit thick....

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Proudnreallyveryscary · 10/10/2011 20:41

She probably thinks she's got 'I'm not gay' bit out the way, and now she would like to be friends with you and go out for a drink some time. And 'once I've sorted things with D' means 'once I am not in a mad place'.. Isn't it that simple?

pollyblue · 10/10/2011 20:42

Bats (I love your name) Yes, my gaydar did go off and it's never let me down before [grins]

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pollyblue · 10/10/2011 20:43

or bloody even

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newbiedoobiedoo · 10/10/2011 20:44

It sounds to me like she was trying to be 'nice' in letting you down. It's one of those 'we'll go for coffee' conversations you have with an ex. You both know you're not going to do it but it's a weird social thing a lot of people do!

Maybe she's just trying to make it clear that she's happy enough to be friends etc. I wouldn't worry about it. If it happens it happens, if not then you're not missing anything :)

BatsUpMeNightie · 10/10/2011 20:44

Yeah Polly (thank you for loving my name!) - I thought it might be something like that. Maybe she's just not ready to face the issue yet? Stay friendly - let her deal with it in her own time and her own way but I'd really avoid freaking her out - it could be a difficult time for her.

Firawla · 10/10/2011 20:46

i would think she was trying to say just to go out as friends n wanted to make it clear that shes not gay so if you go out anywhere together for you not to take it as a 'date' type thing?

toptramp · 10/10/2011 20:48

YANBU. What is equally annoying is when someone turns you down then as soon as you get a new partner they act all sulky and/or keen again. Happens to me all the time.

Tchootnika · 10/10/2011 20:49

polly - you reeeaaallllly shouldn't give ny more thought to what she said or why. That way lies madness (honest!)

It could be that she'd like to go for a drink sometime - in which case let her invite you, don't give it a second's more thought until then.

Or it could be that she said that as a sort of 'naice' fobbing off thing (as people do, I do, because I get awkward and say stupid things)... in which case the same applies: no point giving it/her any more thought.

Stop thinking about it right now.

pollyblue · 10/10/2011 20:52

So I should assume she was saying "if we go for a drink, don't try and snog my face off!" in a friendly fashion?! That does sound most likely.

But Bats there is still a niggle in the back of my mind....not helped by the fact a friend of hers hinted v heavily to me sometime ago that she is gay.

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pollyblue · 10/10/2011 20:53

Tchootnika I am clearing my mind as we speak...

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troisgarcons · 10/10/2011 20:56

Depends really - originally were you 'asking her out' or asking her as a friend to go for a drink?

Now she's established she's straight and feels like going for a drink, whats the issue?

And Im going to go tangent "thick" here. How the hell do you know if someone is gay? My gaydar goes off with men, but I don't think I've ever had a lesbian gaydar moment. Well not unless they have a need to tell me they are gay. In which case I already have a friendship with them and it's kind of irrelvent.

TheSecondComing · 10/10/2011 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pollyblue · 10/10/2011 21:01

troisgarcons, it's hard to explain, I was fairly sure she was gay because of the way she was with me - i thought there was an attraction there. And as I said, a friend of hers had hinted that she was gay - i think she realised i was interested but as she doesn't know me, didn't say anything outright.

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AnyFucker · 10/10/2011 21:03

She wants to be mates

is there something wrong with that ?

Is it shagging or nothing for you ?

pollyblue · 10/10/2011 21:08

AnyFucker really! I would quite happily be mates, shagging not obligatory

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AnyFucker · 10/10/2011 21:12

really what ?

that's what this thread looks like to me

unless you think she is pussy teasing, I dunno why you seem pissed off that she didn't accept your request for a date-date but is keen to go out as mates

did I read it wrong ?

pollyblue · 10/10/2011 21:59

AF sorry, wan't being sarcastic - no you haven't got it wrong. I would quite happily be mates with her, but yes, I do feel like she's led me on a bit. She knew I was asking her out-out, ignored it when I mentioned it, then kept mentioning it herself without actually arranging anything. Then when it's not been mentioned at all for some time she suddenly says that we will go out for a drink, without really saying whether it's out-out for a drink or just a matey drink.....I hadn't said anything about it for God knows how long by then, as far as I was concerned it wasn't going to happen so wasn't thinking about it any more.

As I said in OP, all a bit trivial but yes, I suppose I do feel she's not been quite straight (if you'll pardon the pun) with me.

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LetTheSlaughterBeGincognito · 10/10/2011 22:08

It sounds like she's struggling with her sexuality. Especially if she's coming out of a long term hetero relationship.

AnyPhantomFucker · 10/10/2011 22:10

ah, now you have elaborated, I think she should have been much clearer actually...both why she didn't want a date-date and that the drink suggestion is not a date-date

this is getting confusing

I didn't think you were being sarky, btw

pollyblue · 10/10/2011 22:10

LetTheSlaughter, she and (now ex) DH were together a good ten years.

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