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While smiling sweetly, thinking in my head "fuck the fuck off"

(76 Posts)
gigglepin Mon 10-Oct-11 15:04:46

Asked in the play ground "did you not want any more kids then?" by a mum of 2.

2 weeks after suffering my 6th mc. I have an 8 year old.

I just smiled sweetly and said " happy with what we have, cant have any more".

tbh been dreading this kind of comment, but it is inevitable really when you have an only.
sad

gordyslovesheep Mon 10-Oct-11 15:06:15

Oh good lord some people do not think do they x

So sorry about your MC - and YANBU x

TiaMariaandDietCoke Mon 10-Oct-11 15:07:54

sad poor you! I have no advice, but couldn't read and run. Obviously she would be mortified if she realised the effect her question had, but that's not going to make you feel any better.. most unmumsnetty (((hug)))

DontGoCurly Mon 10-Oct-11 15:08:15

It never fails to amaze me how thoughtless, nosy, inappropriate and invasive people can be. And they do it so casually!

Are they just cunts or are they actually oblivious to what they are saying?? confused

Sorry anyway OP.

loveglove Mon 10-Oct-11 15:08:36

I am sorry for your MCs.

You have to understand that the other mother wasn't to know, and didn't mean to upset you, and would no doubt be horrified if she knew.

nickelbabe Mon 10-Oct-11 15:09:48

people really are oblivious, aren't they!

sad and <big hugs>

(i personally would be tempted to say it outloud, but i would definitely tell the nosy bitch why I'm not having more. It might cause ongoing problems, though, so yo udid the right thing)

pictish Mon 10-Oct-11 15:11:56

*It never fails to amaze me how thoughtless, nosy, inappropriate and invasive people can be. And they do it so casually!

Are they just cunts or are they actually oblivious to what they are saying??*

Woah there! Bit fucking harsh aren't you? people like to make small talk and I certainly don't think asking someone if they're going to have more kids makes them a cunt!!

FFS!

TheTenantOfWildfellHall Mon 10-Oct-11 15:14:07

DontGoCurly - I don't think this query makes people 'cunts' confused shock

It's just the sort of banal chit chat people make in the playground. Sometimes, it's going to be unintentionally hurtful, but mostly it won't be.

I've been asked it loads of times, and have asked it of others. It's not thoughtless, nosy, inappropriate or invasive.

It's awful that it upset you OP, I agree that the mum would probably be mortified if she realised just what you've been though.

ScaredBear Mon 10-Oct-11 15:16:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proudnreallyveryscary Mon 10-Oct-11 15:17:40

Seriously Dontgocurly what an utterly ludicrous response.

She wouldn't have meant any harm by it, we've all said the wrong thing sometimes.

I'm really sorry for what you've been through OP and understand why it upset you so much.

vinegarpuss Mon 10-Oct-11 15:19:33

i've been asked that a lot - and like you I would have loved more but it wasn't to be.

I just answer with 'didn't think I could improve upon perfection' smugly

(while crying inside)

DontGoCurly Mon 10-Oct-11 15:20:08

What ? Surely everybody knows you never EVER ask a person their baby plans or baby business ...it's just not done! It's not just idle chit chat it is the most sacred personal business a person has. You just don't do it, unless you were dragged up.

I don't even ask my own siblings that. It's crass and invasive. If a person wants to open that conversation then fair enough but otherwise it's a total taboo subject and CERTAINLY not one you ever directly ask about.

BelleEnd Mon 10-Oct-11 15:20:13

I once asked a mum, when speaking about my own desire for another, if she thought she'd have any more. Her answer was "nah, I'm quite happy with my two". I later found out she'd lost a baby, and I have felt awful ever since.

Guess I am a cunt then... sad

VampiresWearBlackVelvet Mon 10-Oct-11 15:22:58

Sorry OP for your MC, but well done for smiling sweetly smile

I too have had that same thing happen only last week - I got a letter from my doctors surgery saying.... (something along the lines of)

As you are pregnant, you are under the risk category and would like you to make an appointment for a flu jab

They hadn't updated the system apparently and still thought I was pregnant sad

CMOTdibbler Mon 10-Oct-11 15:24:06

I never, ever, ask anyone about their reproductive plans. You never know how bad you may make someone feel.

DH tells people we couldn't afford the carbon offsetting for another

Proudnreallyveryscary Mon 10-Oct-11 15:24:20

Dontgocurly, calm down for God's sake. Inadvertently putting your foot in it does not make you a 'cunt'. You are making yourself sound moronic.

biddysmama Mon 10-Oct-11 15:24:50

it took 6 years to concieve my second (secondary infertility then 2 mc)so i do know how you are feeling, it isnt nice sad

mumsamilitant Mon 10-Oct-11 15:28:05

It's a very sensitive subject for you but I'm sure nothing was meant by it. I've only got one and what I usually say is "Been there, done that got the ........."

GooseyLoosey Mon 10-Oct-11 15:28:34

I once asked someone if they had ever thought of more children and they said they had had 8 M/Cs. I felt terrible. I would not have hurt this person for the world. As someone said, I just didn't think and was making polite chit chat.

I can see why you want to shout, but sometimes you have to hold it in. Most people mean well but just don't think enough about what might actually be going on in someone's life. Where do you draw the line though - it's hard to know as almost anything can have negative associations for people.

Sorry you got hurt.

Pseudo341 Mon 10-Oct-11 15:30:38

gigglepin I'm so very very sorry for your miscarriages, you must be going through hell. Sending big hugs. Personally I think it would have been totally reasonable to tell her to mind her own business, you're not obliged to explain your child situation to anyone and you have every right to let her know she shouldn't ask that.

"It's not thoughtless, nosy, inappropriate or invasive."

Yes it flippin well is! Just because lots of people do it it does not make it acceptable. I'm always very wary of commenting on something like that for exactly that reason, you just have no way of knowing what's going on in private.

KarlaFromMoscowCentre Mon 10-Oct-11 15:31:38

I suppose there's no way they could possibly have known and yes, it probably is inevitable. But absolutely shit for you - I'm sorry.

loveglove Mon 10-Oct-11 15:35:03

*What ? Surely everybody knows you never EVER ask a person their baby plans or baby business ...it's just not done! It's not just idle chit chat it is the most sacred personal business a person has. You just don't do it, unless you were dragged up.

I don't even ask my own siblings that. It's crass and invasive. If a person wants to open that conversation then fair enough but otherwise it's a total taboo subject and CERTAINLY not one you ever directly ask about.*

erm...looking at the responses you got to your OTTness on this subject.

CaveMum Mon 10-Oct-11 15:36:18

So sorry to hear of your losses sad

I'm learning to bite my tongue quite well in a similar vein. DH and I have been married for 3 years and ttc #1 for the last 16 months with no joy. If one more person (I'm looking at you MIL) passes comment about us not having children yet/leaving it too late, etc, etc,....... angry

Of course I'd love to tell the world it's none of their farking business, but I'm too nice.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie Mon 10-Oct-11 15:37:54

YANBU at all.

Poor you sad

You smiled sweetly because you knew she didnt have a clue and you are a nice person who didnt want to shout fuck off you twat into her face.

I am so sorry about your awful losses. You must be bone weary of it all.

I got asked told a lot with my last two pgs 'bet you wish you were having a girl dont you?' 'wouldnt it be nice if you had a girl?'

I HAVE a girl. She isnt with me but I HAVE her.

BUt of course, like you I just did the smile and murmer thing. It still hurts though doesnt it? It still makes you want to stay indoors.

x

LissieLovettsDeliciousPies Mon 10-Oct-11 15:40:35

op, I know how you feel. I get this a lot. tbh, my responses vary between "we'll see what happens", "I'm not very good at pregnancy" a short, sharp "no" and (if they wont get the hint, and witter on about how sad and lonely ds must be) "we've had 13 mc, Ive lost a tube to an ectopic pregnancy. weve been trying for over 6 years, thats 72 cycles at least where Ive sat in the toilet sobbing in dh's arms. still, we had sex last night, doggy style. I had an orgasm just after dh and havent showered yet. my period is due in 13 days and you will be the first to know".

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