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To be so angry

(19 Posts)
cuteboots Mon 10-Oct-11 13:42:57

Ok heres the background! My little boy has been seeing his dad for the past year after not seeing him for three years prior to this. Over the last few months I have had to make it clear that we are not a couple and I dont want him coming round the house. Last night I was subjected to a torrent of abusive texts as he now thinks Im seeing someone else! Im not but Im not sure what its has to do with him anyway! I can guarantee he will now cut
off contact with his son again and probably the maintenence will stop as well. I feel I cant move on how would you deal with this as its driving me mad. Some of the texts last nite were awful and as Im not the most confident of people they really upset me

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 10-Oct-11 13:52:25

YANBU... And it's precisely because he knows you're not a confident person that he sent the bullying messages. It's a way to keep you under control. Well done for maintaining your home as your personal space - because if he started popping round all the time it would, no doubt, give him more opportunities to upset you. If he cuts off contact or maintenance, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. I wouldn't want my DS having someone like that as a role model... Treat this as a spur to move on and ignore him. Bullies only get satisfaction if they think they're having an effect. Good luck

TheRealMrsHannigan Mon 10-Oct-11 13:55:14

I think you need to have a chat with him, away from your son, and set some ground rules. Be firm, confident and sure of what you are going to say, something along the lines of

"It's wonderful that you are building a good relationship with our son, but we are not a couple, my private life and any relationship I may or may not have are really nothing to do with you. I would like to keep things amicable for the sake of DS, so please refrain from questioning me over my private life in future as it makes me very uncomfortable.'

If you fear he may cut contact again, or withdraw financial support for your son, suggest maybe setting up a formal arrangeemnt via the courts so that his visitation rights etc are set out clearly for both of you?

cuteboots Mon 10-Oct-11 13:58:29

CogitoErgoSometimes- Thanks for the feedback. I know I need to just ignore him and move on . The upsetting thing is that his son will now suffer again because of this and as hes been seeing him for a year now I think thats what upsets me the most.

PhilipJFry Mon 10-Oct-11 13:58:54

Don't engage with him when he sends you these messages. There's no point in arguing back or trying to defend yourself when he's barraging you with abuse. Just don't send back any messages or give him the response he desires. I would keep all communication limited to your son and nothing else in future, and keep all other conversation firmly off-limits .

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 10-Oct-11 14:02:06

How old is your DS?

cuteboots Mon 10-Oct-11 14:23:44

hes 7

mumsamilitant Mon 10-Oct-11 15:33:48

What a nasty arse he is. I'd do what PhilipJFry suggests. Don't fuel his fire by commenting back, that's what he wants you to do. Only speak to him if its about your DS and if he starts ranting on the phone put it down or just delete the texts messages.

cuteboots Mon 10-Oct-11 16:47:23

mumsamilitant - Its just really boring now and being honest I just want to get on with my life. He goes quiet for a few weeks then crops up again if he doesnt call his son Im not going to call him out it that way!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 10-Oct-11 17:31:16

If your DS is 7 then he will be aware of what's going on. A man like that won't have kept all this to himself. Children are just small... they're not fools. It would be fine to explain that Dad is not very reliable, gets upset & angry easily and that, if he stops calling DS, reassure him that it's not because of anything he's done. Good luck

cuteboots Tue 11-Oct-11 13:58:20

Im now getting lots of text messages from him asking why I dont want to be with him and what has he ever done wrong. Trying not to reply but have just sent one back saying I dont want anything from him please go away. I just want him to go away now. Id never stop him seeing his son but is it worth this hassle and upset it causes..

kelly2000 Tue 11-Oct-11 14:33:06

As for maintainence, I would get that put in place formally by the CSA. I would also not reply to his comments, unless they have something to do with your son. people like that get encouraged even by negativity.
Are you really sure he should be in your sons life, he sounds like he just uses him to get near to you.

sunshineandbooks Tue 11-Oct-11 14:36:20

Do NOT delete the text messages. Save them to a new folder so you don't have to see them, but keep them. If he's sending you messages like this four years (at least) after you split, he is a serious nutcase and you may well need all the evidence you can get to make him desist in future.

The only way to handle this is to hit back hard. You CANNOT engage on a reasonable basis with someone who is UNreasonable. The only language someone like that understands is a brick wall that refuses to budge.

I'd send one reply similar to the advice given above, saying: "I'm really pleased that you are trying to build a relationship with our son, and I will help facilitate it as appropriate. However, my personal life is none of your business and I will not engage in any discussions about it. If you persist in harassing me or stalking me by text, I will have no option but to involve the police."

And be prepared to follow that through. Once you've sent that message, only respond to texts/calls about your DS.

Do NOT be worried about him stopping maintenance or failing to see your DS as a result. If he does that then it is clear that he has only ever seen your DS as a tool to get to you anyway, so your DS is infinitely better off without him. And you can enforce maintenance through the CSA.

Good luck. Don't let him drag you down. You and your DS deserve better. smile

cestlavielife Tue 11-Oct-11 14:36:28

send him a text saying
"I have said repeatedly that I do not want to be with you and will consider any further texts on the subject harrassment and I will be reporting this to the police" ..

then keep all texts and if he send one more then do go to police.
it is harassment.

abendbrot Tue 11-Oct-11 14:44:02

If he is deliberately cutting off contact with DS that is psychological abuse as well and proves that he is prepared to hurt his own son's feelings in order to get at you. I'm not sure whether it comes under child abuse, but it's the lowest of the low IMO.

cuteboots Wed 12-Oct-11 12:19:56

abendbrot- he hasnt spoken to his son since Sunday and normally calls him every evening before he goes to bed so he has again made this all about me. The £30 a week was a great help but is it worth going through this? Im not that horrid that I would stop him seeing his son but not being the worlds most confident of people this is making me a bit unwell and Ive started having panic attacks about leaving the house to do the school run. My little boy hasnt asked about his dad but its just heartbreaking when hes spent the last year getting to know him and then he gets treated like this!!

cuteboots Wed 12-Oct-11 12:20:56

sunshineandbooks- Thank you

cuteboots Wed 12-Oct-11 12:24:29

kelly2000-He didnt see his son for about 3 years as he was a total nighmare but I relented as he made out he had changed! being honest Im not sure the £30 per week is worth this and I think he only reappeared as the CSA were threatening the baliffs and they did go to his sisters house. Ive never regretted haing my little boy but the father is another matter : (

abendbrot Fri 14-Oct-11 18:22:38

cuteboots have you checked out the links on the emotional abuse thread?

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