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AIBU to set these conditions for my husband?

(38 Posts)
svetateitelbaum Mon 10-Oct-11 13:42:42

Regular poster but have namechanged so certain details don't out me.

I live abroad with Dh and DS 4 and DD 20 months. I moved to DH's country 8 years ago. My husband returns today from 2 week fishing holiday. I do not know why I ever agreed to it. I am totally knackered and the last 3 days I have been keeping going using Red Bull. His family live closeby but offer very little help. My MIL came for 2 hours one evening so I could run some errands. She brought a friend and they literally just sat, watched tv and made sure the kids didn't kill themselves. I still had to feed, bath and bed them when I came home. I do have friends here but my location makes me quite isolated. Apart from phone calls I haven't spoken to anýone for 5 days. I hate the fact that I have been such a rubbish mum over the last week. So tired and ratty with the kids.
I love them but I just want some peace. I have put on a dvd but just trying to type this far I have had about 10 requests, squabbles, interruptions already. I am so tired and frazzled I can't think straight and although I have had an idea I don't know if this is straight thinking or the product of an overtired and emotional mind.

I cannot do this anymore. My husband has promised there will be no more trips like this but I also want him to cut back on his weekend trips. In addition I just want to welcome him home and then go straight out the door, for a walk, soem fresh air just anything. I want to say that if in 6 months he's not home more often we should move back to the UK where I would have good support from my family.

What do you think?

Slacking9to5 Mon 10-Oct-11 13:44:10

I think you are perfectly reasonable and a bloody saint.

loveglove Mon 10-Oct-11 13:46:54

YANBU at all. You can't go on like this.

Arachnophobic Mon 10-Oct-11 13:47:55

Two weeks holiday!!! YADNBU. I personally think that for a chap with family he should not go on a trip for such a long time, it's totally unreasonable. And you shouldn't let him. As you did YWBU.

I let my partner go away on a lads weekend yearly. I guess if he asked to do two weekends a year I would agree to that. But to be away for longer than a weekend, no bloody way.

Why is he happy to be away from his family for so long? For me the fact that he wants to be away for so long is odd.

Put your foot down, for yours and your kids sake.

Someone said on here recently that they think a SAHM should have a day out to herself fortnightly, to stay sane. I think that was good advice.

TheTenantOfWildfellHall Mon 10-Oct-11 13:48:13

Presumably you get weekend trips and 2 week holidays of your own. hmm

He's a husband and a father, not a single man. If he'd wanted this level of freedom, he should have thought about it before he married and had children!

YANBU.

spooktrain Mon 10-Oct-11 13:48:37

weekend trips?
I don't like the sound of that either, quite apart from the 2 week fishing holiday (which in my family would just never have happened)

HE is BVVVU

BeeMyBaby Mon 10-Oct-11 13:49:02

YANBU

WitchesBrewIsMyFriend Mon 10-Oct-11 13:49:40

Do you not have any kind of help at all? Would you husband be happy to stay at home and look after DC for a few days so you can go and relax by yourself for a while?

Why is he going away for 2 weeks on holiday and at weekends without you and the children?

PhilipJFry Mon 10-Oct-11 13:49:53

A two week fishing holiday?!?

You are not being unreasonable in any way, shape or form to want him around more. He needs to do more to help raise HIS children rather than dancing off on trips all the time. You deserve more time for yourself and right now it sounds like you get very little.

WitchesBrewIsMyFriend Mon 10-Oct-11 13:50:11

oh and YANBU in the slightest.

GooseyLoosey Mon 10-Oct-11 13:50:28

YANBU and need to tell your DH that you need some time off too (which you clearly do).

CailinDana Mon 10-Oct-11 13:52:39

Gosh I don't know how you're still standing you poor thing. Two days alone with just my DS absolutely knackers me, I don't know how you've managed with two for two weeks with no help! How on earth did your DH think it would be a good idea to abandon you for so long? Given that you have young children, absences of more than a day should happen at most once a year.

When are you getting your two week holiday?

TheTenantOfWildfellHall Mon 10-Oct-11 13:52:39

Perhaps he thinks you're happy with the situation because you've got the children to keep you occupied. He sounds like a bit of a tit tbh. Why does he want to spend so much time away from you all?

Doesn't he miss you all?

My DH and I occasionally stop overnight at friends houses if we go out with a group of friends individually, but we always miss each other/the children and can't wait to get home again!

KiwiJean Mon 10-Oct-11 13:53:04

I can only empathise with you, it sounds like a very hard time. And you sound completely reasonable to me.

pozzled Mon 10-Oct-11 13:53:27

This bit struck me: "I also want him to cut back on his weekend trips. "

How often does he go away? And when was the last time that you went away overnight without the kids? How often do you have an evening or afternoon to yourself to go to the gym, see a film or whatever helps you to relax?

IMO, in a relationship you should get roughly the same amount of 'me-time'. So if he expects to be away for one weekend a month, he should be happy for you to do the same, or for you to have a couple of evenings off each week, so that it evens out in the end.

svetateitelbaum Mon 10-Oct-11 13:57:30

Such quick responses! I was stupid to have agreed to this trip I know. I didn't get how hard it would be. i feel totally empty. as if you put your foot on the gas and there is nothing there. I am angry at his mum and dad too. they talk such a good game about being close at hand and devoted grandpartents. but in reality do nothing. sorry typing with child on knee

Arachnophobic Mon 10-Oct-11 13:58:53

In-laws as good as chocolate teapots! I feel for you. Book yourself a spa weekend pronto and see how DH likes it!

How many times has he looked after the kids all on his own for more than a couple of hours? I suspect he has no idea of the sheer relentlessness of looking after kids day in day out.

Could you book yourself into a spa for a day or have a day out shopping and cinema so he starts to get a sense of what its like?

As others have said he is not a single man now. In my view, each parent should have an equal right to time off / me time irrespective of working status; do you have equal time off with him?

CailinDana Mon 10-Oct-11 14:00:23

A serious talk with DH is needed I think sveta. What do you think his reaction will be?

Oh and definitely as soon as he get in the door hand him the kids and run.

x post with pozzled and arachnophobic

OP can you see a theme developing here wink

You are being perfectly reasonable. What you need to do now is book yourself into a spa for a couple of weeks and leave DH to it.

WoeIsMeAgain Mon 10-Oct-11 14:03:55

She brought a friend and they literally just sat, watched tv and made sure the kids didn't kill themselves. I still had to feed, bath and bed them when I came home.

did you ask them to do anything, or were you hoping they would bring the old crystal ball. Dont you know that if MILs help without being asked, thats interfering. If they dont help, thats lazy.

Lovethesea Mon 10-Oct-11 14:06:06

I guess a lot depends on work, housing and other possibly complicating factors in relocating again. But this can't go on because it will break you.

Is there accessible childcare you could use to get regular breaks for a start? So you are not reliant on the goodwill of others who don't seem to realise you need a break.

You moved to this country 8 years ago, what's changed? The sheer exhaustion of two competing kids rather than just one? Was it ok with just one? Does DH take more time away now?

What are schools like there? Lifestyle? Are there positive things that took you out there in the first place that you would really miss if you came back to the UK?

It sounds really tough. Perhaps write down the pros and cons of staying there and coming back? Be as objective as you can on the reality of what support you would and wouldn't have back in the UK, whether things will improve as school starts for your oldest etc.

Your DH sounds like he is having a lovely time, but you sound utterly exhausted, down and understandably so.

svetateitelbaum Mon 10-Oct-11 14:06:20

the irony is that when he is here. he is fully equitable. i cook and am home during the day, he cleans, does laundry, and equal childcare in the evening. i go out 2 nights a week, once with friends and once for an evening course and he goes out once a week to fishing club. It was him that encouraged me to take my evening course when he saw an advert for it. I did have a weekend away last month actually with friends. The main issue is the fishing trips at weekends.

TheTenantOfWildfellHall Mon 10-Oct-11 14:06:57

I don't think the OP was having a go at her MIL, WoeIsMeAgain. I think she was just explaining that even though her MIL had come over to sit with the children, she still hadn't had a break. She was trying to give a clear picture of the circumstances.

Clearly the issue is with her DH.

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