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Expect hubby to help

(17 Posts)
Rogers1 Mon 10-Oct-11 07:36:56

Sorry for early morning rant! Since DS was born 16 months ago...DH has been a regular on the sofa...avoiding night feeds...etc. Same happened last night...DS has a cough so i was prepared to be up quite a bit. DH didn't even stay in bed an hour before he resorted to the sofa....'I need my sleep' phrase! WHO DOESN'T!??? Spent all night with a very upset DS & am absolutely shattered & bruised (DS headbutted me in his sleep!) DH casually wakes up...bright as a blood is boiling!! Am I being unreasonable by expectrinf him to help...especially when it's me who cares for DS 24/7?

Sirzy Mon 10-Oct-11 07:38:21

Course your not being unreasonable. Next time go and wake him up and say "your turn" before going back to bed!

Gay40 Mon 10-Oct-11 07:41:55

The problem started when you classed him as "helping" with his own child. He's 50% responsible and that needs to be made clear from day 1.
Real men do not help with their own children, they are as involved.
Silly sackless tossers occasionally lend a hand.
On the other hand, if he has work in the morning and you don't.....

Rogers1 Mon 10-Oct-11 07:48:07

DH does work full-time & does the renovations on our home at a weekend...but he still manages 'free time' both in the week & at a weekend. As I do not. I would love a lie-in at least once a month but this has never happened-even after giving birth. DH will bath & play with DS as that's all he ha time for when he comes home at night.

hairylights Mon 10-Oct-11 07:50:10

What has been his reaction when you've sat down and discussed this rationally as a couple?

Rogers1 Mon 10-Oct-11 07:53:05

Hairylights....DH has said he does as much as he can...working & renovations...
This I understand but as he has 'free time' & I don't (without DS) i get resentful. Weekends though...I feel should be equal

Squitten Mon 10-Oct-11 07:54:32


Sounds like there is a general issue with the equality of free time and rest in your house. However, I suspect that while your DH is off having a lie-in if out and about, you are silently puffing and puffing in the background rather than tackling him head-on?

Speak to him and demand some fairness!

Squitten Mon 10-Oct-11 07:55:24


slavetofilofax Mon 10-Oct-11 07:57:18

I think if he is working full time and you are not, he could help at the weekends. But that's all.

Does your ds usually sleep through when he's not ill?

Rogers1 Mon 10-Oct-11 08:06:19

I definitely agree about the huffing & puffing! And that I need to resolve it with a talk on fairness. My DS sleeps fairly well so I get reasonable sleep but the last few week have been plagued with teething etc.
I don't mean to make my DH sound bad as he is a loving dad & DH..this is the only downfall but to me it's a big one!

Robotindisguise Mon 10-Oct-11 08:12:53

Don't ask, tell. In my case it's complicated by DH doing a lot of driving, but even so - this morning DD was up at 5. She was singing to herself until 5.30 but when he started getting grumpy, I told DH I was getting up with her now but I needed him downstairs at 6, and I would then go back to bed until 6.30 (when the alarm clock goes off)

Similarly, when DD was tiny, we would work out shifts for tough nights. Clearly if he's working and you're at home, you will need to do more because you're able to nap when your DS naps, but if he sleeps badly you should be able to go to bed at 9, and he have him until midnight, or alternatively be up with him at 5, while you catch up until 7.

You should also be getting a lie in one day of the weekend.

Confuzzeled Mon 10-Oct-11 08:17:24

You need to tell him that your rest and free time are as important as his, otherwise you'll end up resenting him. I think the main issue is that he doesn't realise what hard work it is looking after a baby and running a household. Maybe he thinks every day is a day off for you, while he works and does renovations. Why don't you tell him your having a day off (at a weekend), leave him a list of things you normally do and your ds. That way he'll see what your life is like and you'll get a day off. If he moans, tell him you really need it as your beginning to feel angry at him and you don't want it to be the thing that breaks down your relationship.

Rogers1 Mon 10-Oct-11 08:21:02

Confuzzled & Robot...I agree with you both 100%. We used to 'compete' over who had had the hardest day when DS was a baby.. I would often feel I thought/thinks work is easier as I could nap when DS does...which I never have. I definitely will talk to him have all been great with your advice....especially so early in a Monday morning.

Bossybritches22 Mon 10-Oct-11 08:26:49

yanbu but the longer you put up with it the more he will think you're OK with it & coping!

Men need these things spelling out occasionally grin

Tell him to leave the renovations this w/e & have some family need some sleep.

callmemrs Mon 10-Oct-11 08:27:12

You should each get a lie in at the weekend. During the week, if he's working full time and you're a SAHM then its reasonable for you to do night times. You can then have 'down times' during the day, when your dc plays at home, or even 'better', naps. Your dh can't do that if he's at work. But yeap he's definitely being unreasonable about weekends

KatAndKit Mon 10-Oct-11 11:07:37

It isn't called "helping" it is called "being a parent" and he needs to do more of that because it is his responsibility as a father, not because he is doing you some sort of "favour" by "helping"

Rogers1 Mon 10-Oct-11 12:36:53

As suggested by many of u lovely lot this & DH have discussed our situation,schedules etc while he was on lunch. The ideas I received today really helped with what I wanted to say so I found expressing this much easier.

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