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AIBU?

ex husband is a knob

37 replies

wannabestressfree · 09/10/2011 21:35

Need to vent am so cross........
my two ds' came back from their dads today and I have the following to moan about

They slept on the floor at new gf's house and not in the bunkbeds they have [this is for the third consecutive weekend}
No uniform washed
No breakfast today
ds2 left to look after gf's daughter for two hours in a rugby club whilst they both trained. Didn't even bother to check on them.
Spent rest of day in another rugby club where they did their homework.
No food all day.
No lunchboxes sent back.

I know I cannot control what someone else does and to be honest its no different to how he would of behaved when we were married except I would have had the children. What annoys me is that he will moan about only having them four nights a month and then not really look after them! grrrrrrr

I did moan to him about this tonight and he basically told me what he did in his own time was none of my business and that he was the fun parent and I am always busy at work [ I have to he doesn't work}

So what I am asking is do I tell him to grow up or they aren't going [they would be devastated] or suck it up?

OP posts:

Report

troisgarcons · 09/10/2011 21:36

Did they enjoy their time though?

blackeyedsusan · 09/10/2011 21:41

how old are the ds's? are they old enough to be responsible for their own lunch boxes? get them £1 ones from asda or something for the friday before dads house.

sleeping on the floor or on matresses on the floor?

what did they eat? what time did they get home? (eg before tea?)

ChildofIsis · 09/10/2011 21:43

Are you sure they would be devastated?

I don't know many kids who'd jump at the chance to sleep on a floor, have very little food and be ignored whilst used as a babysitting service.

Maybe it's time to re-evaluate the way he sees the kids.
He's right that his private life is just that, however when it concerns the kids it is your concern too.
Does it have to be overnight?
Does it have to be during the weekend, he could have them during the week in the holidays.

He sounds like an immature twat who needs to grow up and put his kids first for once.

wannabestressfree · 09/10/2011 21:46

They adore him tbh. And he is a 'disney' dad. All guns blazing and will play lego for five hours but won't do any actual parenting.......
They are 7 and 10. I will get new ones on the way to school in the morning.
One sleeps on a sofa and one on a mattress on the floor. I cooked them tea at half six when we got in tonight as they were starving....... exh did admit to not feeding them!

I know I am moaning........... they are just overtired and I am fed up of having to get them back on track after a dad weekend.

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 09/10/2011 21:47

I'd give them lunch in a bag actually, how many pounds are you going to spend on lunchboxes over the year?

Tell your boys to tell their father they are hungry when meal times approach, then tell him he needs to provide them with three meals a day.

The food thing you cannot back down on, it's not good for childrens health not to be fed.

Sleeping on the floor, if the boys are happy to do it, theres not much to be said I suppose altho I certainly would be very ticked off about that too.

Just repeat ad nauseaum about meals tho, calmly and dont rise ot the bait, infact email him, politely as in just ot let you know the boys have to be fed breakfast lunch and dinner.

IF this ocntinues tho you will need to speak to someone.

squeakytoy · 09/10/2011 21:50

Insist that the come home from school to you on a friday so that you have the uniform at your your house ready to wash.

Why did the gf not feed them? surely she must have fed her own child.

wannabestressfree · 09/10/2011 21:50

Thanks for advice......... what gets my goat is that when you have children with someone you generally agree on parenting..... this seems to have gone out the window. They are up very late, dad is more a mate so they think he is fabulous. So when they come back and I go back to our routine [bed etc] I am the wicked witch of the west. It annoys me...........

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 09/10/2011 21:54

Apparently they got up late. To be honest I have never spoken to her. Ds's said they didn't eat and exhusband admitted to not giving them breakfast and thought they must have had a bag of crisps at club this afternoon....

OP posts:

blackeyedsusan · 09/10/2011 21:59

no food til 6.30 that is awful. i think email him a reminder to feed them as the boys/he has told you they were not fed. (make sure that is in the email too) what did the "adults" eat?

like the lunch in a bag idea even better.

why the hell can't the girlfriend stay at his house?

and for goodness sake feeding them is a basic requirement. can they not help themselves to something to eat if they have not been fed? (bit late if at the rugby club though) how old is the daughter?

blackeyedsusan · 09/10/2011 22:02

getting up late is not an excuse and a bag of crisps is not adequate lunch when you have had no breakfast.

if not feeding the kids is a regular occurance you must speak to someone.

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 22:02

I feel your frustration

wannabestressfree · 09/10/2011 22:04

They would have moaned if they were at home... they moan a lot
She has two daughters. One would have been playing, she is 8 and 4 [who ds2 was minding]
My exh has a two bed flat and she has a four bed house. I don't have an objection to them staying there but then move the beds if that's the place they will be sleeping in!!! Will email him he just shouts otherwise and I never get anywhere.

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MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 09/10/2011 22:04

Unfortunately you won't win on the washing/sleeping on sofa or mattress etc. The food thing is totally stupid though. I'd focus on that. Because your children not being fed is your business.

wannabestressfree · 09/10/2011 22:09

I find it frustrating that because I am no longer with somebody the person I have children with can 'parent' anyway they like and its just ok.

Its just not but I have a feeling it may be a losing battle....

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droves · 09/10/2011 22:11

give your oldest £10 and instructions that he is to phone a takeaway for himself and your younger dc only...if hid dad does not feed him. . . its shit , but at least they`d be able to get a pizza or something to eat.

Op , im glad that ville man is your ex ...youve had a lucky escape , but there is no excuse for his neglect of his kids .

wannabestressfree · 09/10/2011 22:21

I count my blessings everyday droves

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redexpat · 09/10/2011 22:50

I'd keep a diary of all correspondance and crap parenting. Keep wording as neutral as possible.

Tell him in written form (email) that he needs to wash their uniforms, send lunchboxes back, feed them, send them to bed at a reasonable time etc. It may piss him off but it is what is in your children's best interests. Again keep wording neutral as possible.

If the crapness continues you'll have a stronger case should you need to go to the courts.

hiddenhome · 09/10/2011 22:57

Sounds fairly representative of a visit to a 'good time dad'

My ExP is similiar, apart from he doesn't supply the good times I have to send food down with ds1 and also books/games because his father is too mean to provide any entertainment apart from wall to wall football on the tv (which ds1 hates). ds1 has to sleep with his father because his wife's daughter has the other bedroom.

I feel for you.

I agree with keeping a diary, but don't expect any court to be on your side. They always favour contact with the other parent, no matter how bad that parent might be

CowboysGal · 09/10/2011 23:14

Are these visits by mutual agreement or have you been through the court process already?

NorfolkBroad · 09/10/2011 23:21

Feel for you OP, what an incredibly upsetting situation. I can't believe he didn't feed his kids?! Definitely take him to task on that at the least!

MSDP · 09/10/2011 23:28

TBH I would be fuming if someone didn't feed my children, the rest of the stuff I would probably quietly seethe about.

But what did the girlfriends children eat, were they also not fed or was it just your kids? I personally wouldn't want to deal with hungry children they get pretty ratty so can't understand why if the girlfriend is comfortable enough to have your children stay the night why she can't provide some food

YellowDave · 09/10/2011 23:29

I agree with concentrating on the food - the rest pales into insignificance.

If he is not feeding them thats neglect. 'I think they might have had a bag of crisps' is NOT good enough. I am shaking with anger at how I would feel if someone treated my boys like this, and I don't even know you

The washing of uniforms is annoying but presumably they have more than one set - just make sure their other set is clean. The sofa / mattress on the floor - honestly this will be fine.

But don't drop the food issue. I'd email something like 'You say it is not my business how you parent our children when they are with you but when it is affecting their health and wellbeing it becomes my business. Not feeding them all day is not acceptable. Please ensure in the future that they are given 3 proper meals when they are with you.' If he comes back having a pop (or says something implying that this is unreasonable of you) or it happens again I would seek legal advice.

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MSDP · 09/10/2011 23:33

To clarify I don't think it is the girlfriends responsibility, just dont understand how you could see your partner be so neglectful towards his own children.

Focus on the food issue, unfortunately with exes you sometimes have to pick the most important battle even when they are crap in a number of arenas.

wannabestressfree · 10/10/2011 07:57

We have an agreement that he has them every other weekend but he is quite crap. They come back exhausted, grumpy etc. I don't expect his gf to feed them HE should.

I will send an email though but when I tried to talk to him yesterday he was quite abusive and said ' if you don't like it get your solicitor to write me a letter'. Everything is a battle.......... just can do without it at the moment

OP posts:

NikkiC2000 · 10/10/2011 08:02

Kids need routines
So, without going into what he does in his own time with them, just insist that they are still young, need a routine (and feeding) and your willing to forget about sleeping on floor but you insist that they have their beds

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